Venting I don't want to exist anymore.

[voidreverse1982]

I've always been getting bullied ever since I was 4 years old, I've pretty much never had any actual in real life friends nor online friends and my dad is a narcissist. I've had suicidal thoughts ever since I was around 14 years old. Now I am 19, and my opinion of life has not changed at all. In fact, my opinion only got stronger. Life just got rougher and way more boring than it used to the further I get into adulthood, and I don't know how much longer I can carry this for. There are a few moments where I actually feel happiness, but it's nothing in comparson to the burden that there is to live life.

I have my own profile online with a few hints of my true thoughts, and there are a few people who actually notice them and reach out to me to try to "help" me. And they always say that they can handle it and I should let everything out. But, turns out that they can't. And whenever I do vent to them, I end up hurting them, or making them feel really uncomfortable, and they either block or leave me, and it just makes me feel even worse than I already was, knowing I accidentally harmed or traumatized someone. And this pattern has repeated itself for so many times. And thus I never actually told about it to anyone in real life, knowing that I will only ruin my reputation more than it already is, as the world in real life is way different than online, and now I'm tired of it. From now on, I will tell myself, "No matter if its in real life or online, nobody will EVER understand you in a billion years. STOP showing your true side to ANYONE, or else you will only cause harm to yourself and others, like the true monster you are".

I really don't want to live anymore and I really just can't find any true aspects of life that makes it truly worth living, like many claim to. I even think that the world is better without me, as I won't harm anyone anymore. But, at the same time, I don't want to cause more harm than I already did, because I know that if I ctb, my dad and my brother will be really depressed, the news will spread on my city, my whole school will probably be sad, and my mom will want to die too.

I just wish that I never even existed in the first place. I just want to completely delete myself from human kind's history. I really miss the very good old days, when I was non-existent. Life is a cruel place, and death is the key for freedom, the problem is that barely anyone ever notices this, and most want to keep living life meaninglessly, for some reason. They see death as a sad thing, when they should've been happy, knowing that the dead finally reached eternal peace. And I honestly feel insulted when people claim depression to be a "mental illness" and "something to recover from" when it should clearly just be a rational way of thinking. Wanting to die should've been a valid feeling.

 

[halleyscomet]

I'm so sorry you've had to suffer so much. I've been suicidal from a young age too, it's frustrating how it's never taken seriously. Whatever you decide, please look out for yourself. You are not responsible for other people's wellbeing, you shouldn't make this ginormous decision based on the needs of others.

Whatever you decide, I hope you find some peace.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also wish I never existed more than anything and wish I could just erase my existence, existing truly is just meaningless suffering and only those who no longer exist are truly fortunate to me. But anyway best wishes, I hope that you eventually find the freedom from this cruel and undesirable existence you search for.

 

[MarkSmith73]

I've always been getting bullied ever since I was 4 years old, I've pretty much never had any actual in real life friends nor online friends and my dad is a narcissist. I've had suicidal thoughts ever since I was around 14 years old. Now I am 19, and my opinion of life has not changed at all. In fact, my opinion only got stronger. Life just got rougher and way more boring than it used to the further I get into adulthood, and I don't know how much longer I can carry this for. There are a few moments where I actually feel happiness, but it's nothing in comparson to the burden that there is to live life.

I have my own profile online with a few hints of my true thoughts, and there are a few people who actually notice them and reach out to me to try to "help" me. And they always say that they can handle it and I should let everything out. But, turns out that they can't. And whenever I do vent to them, I end up hurting them, or making them feel really uncomfortable, and they either block or leave me, and it just makes me feel even worse than I already was, knowing I accidentally harmed or traumatized someone. And this pattern has repeated itself for so many times. And thus I never actually told about it to anyone in real life, knowing that I will only ruin my reputation more than it already is, as the world in real life is way different than online, and now I'm tired of it. From now on, I will tell myself, "No matter if its in real life or online, nobody will EVER understand you in a billion years. STOP showing your true side to ANYONE, or else you will only cause harm to yourself and others, like the true monster you are".

I really don't want to live anymore and I really just can't find any true aspects of life that makes it truly worth living, like many claim to. I even think that the world is better without me, as I won't harm anyone anymore. But, at the same time, I don't want to cause more harm than I already did, because I know that if I ctb, my dad and my brother will be really depressed, the news will spread on my city, my whole school will probably be sad, and my mom will want to die too.

I just wish that I never even existed in the first place. I just want to completely delete myself from human kind's history. I really miss the very good old days, when I was non-existent. Life is a cruel place, and death is the key for freedom, the problem is that barely anyone ever notices this, and most want to keep living life meaninglessly, for some reason. They see death as a sad thing, when they should've been happy, knowing that the dead finally reached eternal peace. And I honestly feel insulted when people claim depression to be a "mental illness" and "something to recover from" when it should clearly just be a rational way of thinking. Wanting to die should've been a valid feeling.

I get what you're saying. I'm a lot older than you but I agree that life is a cruel and unmerciful place. The hardest thing is we're completely cut off from God and the love of the other side. I was extremely shy and had many social disorders at your age. But I came out of my shell in my 20s and accomplished a lot of things. Alcohol definitely helped though. But due to some difficult life circumstances over the past few years I've kind of reverted to my old dysfunctional self. Life was beautiful before we existed and will be beautiful afterwards. My question is why do we have to learn so many things the hard way and why can't God just let us have the things we want that would make us happy? This video was helpful for me because it took away my fear of death. And the surprising thing is that we actually chose to come to this earth. This life is the ultimate learning experience so just try to keep going and make the best of the circumstances that you're in.

 

[divinemistress36]

I get what you're saying. I'm a lot older than you but I agree that life is a cruel and unmerciful place. The hardest thing is we're completely cut off from God and the love of the other side. I was extremely shy and had many social disorders at your age. But I came out of my shell in my 20s and accomplished a lot of things. Alcohol definitely helped though. But due to some difficult life circumstances over the past few years I've kind of reverted to my old dysfunctional self. Life was beautiful before we existed and will be beautiful afterwards. My question is why do we have to learn so many things the hard way and why can't God just let us have the things we want that would make us happy? This video was helpful for me because it took away my fear of death. And the surprising thing is that we actually chose to come to this earth. This life is the ultimate learning experience so just try to keep going and make the best of the circumstances that you're in.

Life is to hard of a learning realm

 

[MarkSmith73]

Life is to hard of a learning realm

It's extremely hard. We have to go through some of the hardest things imaginable in order to eventually experience true growth and enlightenment. We're completely on our own here with no divine guidance or mercy. It's the ultimate learning experience but it's not our true home here. Just temporary.