Venting I don't want to die

[Sk1rtd4b]

It's a weird thing to say considering how the last month and a half has been crying about how much I hate my life and planning my CTB. I still do both those things and I really don't see a world where I don't CTB this summer but it's like I really want a life where I have friends and I can talk to people and I'm invited to hang out and stuff, but I've been waiting years and things have only gotten worse. I just feel so drawn to the idea of suicide, especially through an opioid overdose which is going to be my method of choice. Now I talk about suicide like it's something that's definitely going to happen and I truly think that it will happen this summer when things get quiet and I'm alone. I have come close to CTBing last week disregarding all my past plans and instead wanting to just end it all as quickly as possible by jumping off something high but I ended up not doing that because I didn't get overcome with SI, but with the desire to OD instead, something about it seems so peaceful just being so out of it and just eventually fading out of existence leaving this miserable life behind to go onto whatever comes next which I don't even care what it is because I just want to be freed of this pain. Every single night I cry and do more research and planning on my CTB plan, but I would never want this for myself. I don't have the common opinion on here that like "I didn't agree to being born" and stuff like that because I genuinely think life COULD be amazing and I really want it to be and I'm sure we all do but it's just not for me, it's quite the opposite, every single day I wish more and more to be out of existence. I feel like this is just my last option at this point. I don't see any more options to escape the pain. I've kind of came to terms with it, I KNOW I will die this summer and it doesn't bother me, I'm almost eager for it because I'll finally just be gone, I won't be able to fuck anything up anymore or experience anything at all. I'm sure I'll be forgotten about in a month and everyone will go back to living their lives and I want nothing more than that right now. I do want to use this site to journal my thoughts in a way because I think it will give closure to anyone seeking it after I disappear.

 

[Kusogaki]

Beautifully written , I understand your point of wanting to live but having nothing or no reason to live for. its bitter sweet, at one end you want a reason an actual life at the other end you know you won't have that so you only choice is to CTB. I am sorry this life isn't meant for you, it truly is harsh. You wish you never existed so you couldn't bring that burden on send if dying , just rather not being alive in the first place. I wish you good luck.