No1RegretsDying
do not demolish my right to independence!
- Apr 17, 2023
- 6
I feel like my entire life purpose was always to kill myself. Ever since I was 5 I remember having the vivid thought, "I need to be dead - nobody likes me, nobody wants me. I don't want to die, but I know I have to."
My entire life has been permeated by the constant urgency to die sooner than later. A strong feeling of "I have overstayed' since singular digits. At this point in my life, there's many people who would be more pleased by my death, than people who would and wouldn't care.
My life is defined by severe dissociation and panic. I don't think I am human. Being alive is too hard, and too difficult.
I have Autism, CPTSD and severe chronic depression, and probably an intellectual disability - where I lay on the autism spectrum is high enough to be considered high functioning, but I'm probably borderline low functioning to be honest. I can barely hold down a job, I struggle with very simple instructions, I can't do basic tasks and sometimes I literally have to ask how to use basic kitchen appliances....
At this point, I have no friends and my entire family hates me. I had CPS involved my entire teenage years, then my final move they were the worst out of them all... the severe verbal abuse, and physical abuse I received. At this point in my life, telling people makes them think it's boy crying wolf... but this is just what people like me are susceptible to.
Other people with severe trauma like I do, know what the feeling of having an energetic 'X' sign is like.
Soon, I'm gonna be homeless. I don't live in my home country, I'm far more screwed here than there but honestly I think my life has reached its ultimate climax. I need to die, and I'm gonna do it soon. I'm gonna kill myself next month, I finally now have the excuse to. After many years of suicidal fantasies and half hearted attempts.. I'm going to finally do it. My life mission.. this is Paidi Chans Demise.
My entire life has been permeated by the constant urgency to die sooner than later. A strong feeling of "I have overstayed' since singular digits. At this point in my life, there's many people who would be more pleased by my death, than people who would and wouldn't care.
My life is defined by severe dissociation and panic. I don't think I am human. Being alive is too hard, and too difficult.
I have Autism, CPTSD and severe chronic depression, and probably an intellectual disability - where I lay on the autism spectrum is high enough to be considered high functioning, but I'm probably borderline low functioning to be honest. I can barely hold down a job, I struggle with very simple instructions, I can't do basic tasks and sometimes I literally have to ask how to use basic kitchen appliances....
At this point, I have no friends and my entire family hates me. I had CPS involved my entire teenage years, then my final move they were the worst out of them all... the severe verbal abuse, and physical abuse I received. At this point in my life, telling people makes them think it's boy crying wolf... but this is just what people like me are susceptible to.
Other people with severe trauma like I do, know what the feeling of having an energetic 'X' sign is like.
Soon, I'm gonna be homeless. I don't live in my home country, I'm far more screwed here than there but honestly I think my life has reached its ultimate climax. I need to die, and I'm gonna do it soon. I'm gonna kill myself next month, I finally now have the excuse to. After many years of suicidal fantasies and half hearted attempts.. I'm going to finally do it. My life mission.. this is Paidi Chans Demise.
