Venting I don't want to be saved

[goggleboxers]

My son has just told me that I am the greatest mum on the universe although there is room for improvement.!
Improvement in what way I asked , I could give him more money.! But other than that I was the best.
I adore our boy but hate my thoughts and impulsiveness which can be very dangerous.I know it's wrong and take on your comments.Thankyou

Just keep taking then comments on board please we know how dark it is out there

 

[Lara Francis]

I choose to be admitted as a voluntary patient a while back.i did this so my boy still had a mum and yet my thoughts have not moved on.it will be my husband birthday in a few weeks,then the second year anniversary in September.I am fearing them both.on the first anniversary I seriously self harmed and the police were involved so I dread what will happen this year if I even reach it.!..many professional people are involved with me and I think they are starting to believe that I am incapable of making decisions and I feel a hospital stay is imminent probably via sectioning.it's very very distressing to feel this way.we brought our boy into this world out of love,joy and happiness and that will never change.i cried happy tears when I found out I was pregnant.god I hate myself and what depression is doing to me and what it is making me think and want to do.

 

[Lara Francis]

Its good that you use this forum to share your thoughts, however dark they are. I hope you find the strength to recover. And if not, that you can fight your dark impulses regarding your son. Being a mother must be unimaginably hard. You wouldn't want your son to die if you had a deadly accident or disease, he deserves a chance no matter what.
Thank you for sharing, I hope you don't mind me commenting.

No.thankyou.

 

[goggleboxers]

I choose to be admitted as a voluntary patient a while back.i did this so my boy still had a mum and yet my thoughts have not moved on.it will be my husband birthday in a few weeks,then the second year anniversary in September.I am fearing them both.on the first anniversary I seriously self harmed and the police were involved so I dread what will happen this year if I even reach it.!..many professional people are involved with me and I think they are starting to believe that I am incapable of making decisions and I feel a hospital stay is imminent probably via sectioning.it's very very distressing to feel this way.we brought our boy into this world out of love,joy and happiness and that will never change.i cried happy tears when I found out I was pregnant.god I hate myself and what depression is doing to me and what it is making me think and want to do.

Choose to be admitted voluntarily again as soon as any thoughts of harming your son come into your mind remember your husband loved that son it's both yours and his precious bundle of joy and he's going to grow up one day and get a girlfriend get married and have kids and you your going to let him do that ok your a good mum you already said apart from not giving him enough money :)

 

[ReleaseMe]

This is very sad and I am so sorry for you. It is a terrible situation.
You need a way out but despite writing this on Sanctioned Suicide, Im inclined to think your way out right now should not be to kill yourself. Perhaps go to hospital voluntarily again? Doing it voluntarily also might help to make this more bearable.

 

[goggleboxers]

god I hate myself and what depression is doing to me and what it is making me think and want to do.

Remember .. it's not your fault

 

[Lara Francis]

As a voluntary patient, the idea is you should be able to come and go ,but no! I tried to discharge myself but was refused because I was a danger to myself.it's like being in a prison but it would save our sons life and it is the only time and place in feel safe.

 

[goggleboxers]

As a voluntary patient, the idea is you should be able to come and go ,but no! I tried to discharge myself but was refused because I was a danger to myself.it's like being in a prison but it would save our sons life and it is the only time and place in feel safe.

Did they make you take medication ? I nearly got sectioned about three years back but there was no where near local - I was in a bad place and didn't know what I was agreeing to but glad they didn't although I wasn't a danger to myself so imagine I would have been one free to come and go but just the thought of others controlling your life

 

[Lara Francis]

I had agreed to take medication and did.They just wanted to have me on the ward whilst I stabilised.

 

[goggleboxers]

I had agreed to take medication and did.They just wanted to have me on the ward whilst I stabilised.

So you think you stabilised ? Couldn't you then stabilise again ? Apart from the nightmare of sadly losing your husband in tragic circumstances you have your son I don't have children would have loved too can't you stabilise for him ? I saw on another post you said you were with him today how did that make you feel?

 

[Lara Francis]

So you think you stabilised ? Couldn't you then stabilise again ? Apart from the nightmare of sadly losing your husband in tragic circumstances you have your son I don't have children would have loved too can't you stabilise for him ? I saw on another post you said you were with him today how did that make you feel?

I did stabilise on meds but social services did something to upset me and I felt as if no matter how hard I tried,even taking Meds when I didn't really want to , they are never happy so this sent me into other spiral of despair and now I don't take them as I have given up.

 

[Karenbaker]

Couldn't you just take social services out of the equation and ignore them and your feelings towards them ?? If the pills did you done good say fuck it to social services and carry on taking them - Id love to see you live for your son

 

[Lara Francis]

I am being baby sat this weekend and it is ment to be helping!
My boy is being good and has enjoyed an afternoon playing laser quest.
My mind is a scrambled mess.my mum was showing my son pictures of me as a child and all I could think was ,how next time the album will be out,i will be gone and only pictures will remain. mum suggested visiting an old family friend on the way home.The family included a lady and her disabled daughter.Disabled from birth due to spina bifida.they lost their husband and father some time ago.The mum has suffered I'll health recently and the daughter is needing more and more care which is proving difficult to provide.The mum is a very genuine and a caring mum.
I felt humbled to be with her when she fights so hard.my husband always liked them as a family.when I left ,my first thought was to tell my hubby that I had seen them but I forgot he has died.There was a case of a lady jumping of beachy head with her disabled son.I admire her ability to cope and carry on and so wish I could have this strength.I am so confused and pathetic.

 

[Lara Francis]

Couldn't you just take social services out of the equation and ignore them and your feelings towards them ?? If the pills did you done good say fuck it to social services and carry on taking them - Id love to see you live for your son

Thankyou .people are being very kind to me.x