Venting I don't want to be lied to out of pity anymore

[Cherry_BB]

(please excuse the messiness of my rant. I wrote this to understand my feelings and to get some advice on CTB)

I've come to terms with the fact that I'm unlovable, but it still sucks to watch everyone I've ever known find their significant other. Although, I am happy for them. I don't want to live in a world where I am met with the constant reminder of how shitty I am. I don't want to wake up in the morning and smell like shit because I can't find the energy to have basic fucking hygiene. I want to blow my brains out so maybe someone will "wish that I hadn't gone through with it" or "wish they had noticed sooner". I don't know how many "you'll find the right persons" I can hear before my organs are strewn across the pavement. I have found myself unable to believe any "good" thing said about me. I don't believe that there is ANY possibility of a person to like me, let alone want to spend their whole LIFE with. If I somehow find someone, I don't want to make them feel forced to deal with me. Eventually, they will see who I really am and feel forced to stay with me so I don't kill myself. I don't want to put ANYONE in that position. Although, I would love for a person to see me and still like me, even to have a real friend. I don't like thinking this way. I don't want to be selfish anymore. After years of people feeling trapped being my friend, I am going to do them a favor by CTB.
After I inevitably go through with CTB, I want to give my cat to my brother. I just want my cat to be happy. My brother would love the company (he loves cats) and my cat wouldn't have to be stuck with a borderline walking corpse. I use whatever motivation I have to care for my cat so she doesn't suffer due to my incompetence. If there's anyone out there who actually read this, can you dm me some effective CTB methods? I am thinking of hanging (complete suspension for 100% success) or shooting myself. I would also appreciate some conformation about myself. I can't keep hearing the same "it'll get better" shit. I want someone to remind me that I will never amount to anything. I don't want to be happy, I want to be dead. Being alive is only torturing everyone I interact with, so please, help me find the motivation to CTB. I need to for the sake of my cat, my family, and the people that are forced to be my friend due to how pathetic I am. Please help me find the courage to CTB.

 

[Proxycake]

I think you are lovely.

 

[Cherry_BB]

I think you are lovely.

haha I appreciate the gesture, but you're mistaken. I hope you have a good day/night though!

 

[druggedonsurvival]

It's your decision whether to CTB or not and I don't think anyone has the right to tell you what to do. Frankly we don't know who you are, you could have plenty of reasons to live, or maybe you don't. But it's your responsibility to make that decision, for better or for worse.

I know how you feel with being unlovable, though. I don't have any friends and no significant other either. It sucks feeling so alone and feeling like a burden.

 

[Cherry_BB]

It's your decision whether to CTB or not and I don't think anyone has the right to tell you what to do. Frankly we don't know who you are, you could have plenty of reasons to live, or maybe you don't. But it's your responsibility to make that decision, for better or for worse.

I'm not looking for people to tell me what to do, rather I'm looking for people who aren't forced to say nice things to tell me how it is. I understand that it is my responsibility to make the decision whether or not to CTB as well. I just need something to push me over the edge so I can stop being such a pain to others around me. I don't know why people keep pretending that it's ok for me to keep getting in the way and I feel that the people around me have to constantly walk on eggshells just to exist around me. I don't know how that isn't enough motivation for me to CTB, so I am just looking for some help to push me over the edge, yk?

I know how you feel with being unlovable, though. I don't have any friends and no significant other either. It sucks feeling so alone and feeling like a burden.

I'm sorry you feel the same way, but thank you for letting me know that I'm not the only one who has to deal with this.