Venting I don't want to be ignored anymore

[HorfPill]

2 days ago I spontaneously told my best friend that maybe it would be best if we stopped being friends, because I have a feeling that some sort of higher power wants us to seperate. I didn't tell her but a large reason I asked to seperate is that I have serious issues around jealousy of her and her gf, OCD causes me to have a ton of intrusive thoughts of hurting her in one way or another, and my BPD/abandonment issues causes these awful mood swings where I swear that I hate her and want her dead. I'm deathly afraid that one of these days, I won't be able to mask these feelings anymore and I'll lash out in a bad way. She's expressed a lot of sympathy and understanding around my symptoms, and I'm sure she would forgive me no matter what, but I really don't want to get there in the first place.

Another reason I'm swearing off contact with her is that I just want to see that she cares. I hate always being the one to initiate contact, or being left on read. I kind of want to force her hand to make some sort of gesture, like showing up to my house unannounced or some shit. I understand that's manipulative, but I just can't take being ignored anymore.

My main fear in all this is that she's going to assume that I want space, and not that I'm making a cry for help.

Bleghhhhh it all makes me so upset...... i love her so much, and it hurts knowing that i love her so much more than she loves me

｡･(つд`｡)･｡

 

[maki]

the manipulative stuff is such a mood

 

[bl33ding_heart]

Have you had any form of treatment for your bpd and ocd?