I don’t want to anymore? But I keep getting thoughts

[four_walls_girl]

I made this account last November will the full intention to willingly ctb, but now I'm not so sure I want that anymore.

I still think I deserve it, and my brain still convinces me I can't go past 30, but I also want to live to do things despite being a burden on the family.

I get thoughts about it daily though, almost constantly. Visual thoughts about cutting my arm open, or catching myself daydreaming wondering if I should just try out hanging with a bathrobe or dog lead now or how I would travel to the nearest highest bridge, I also still have some desire to buy sn "just in case".

Sometimes I'll be having just a pretty normal day and I'll remember this site, or I'll hear about a method someone used in the news and search on here if it there's any high success stories in it, then I'll kinda have to shake myself out of it and move on before I do something stupid.

idk, I've not been active on here in months, but now it's getting close to November again I can sorta feel myself getting back into that depression I was first in. Got the desire to get absolutely worse for the last months of the year, starve myself to my desired weight and rot away and then turn it around suddenly in 2026, maybe as test on if I'm actually capable of discipline.

 

[pogostick]

What makes you think that you deserve it?
I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. I understand feeling like you want to get worse and that it can feel like a cycle if you always come back to wanting to ctb, even when you thought you were fine,
I'm here to to talk if you need.

 

[MrHappyFace]

Hm. What kind of relationship do you have with yourself? I think every morning is a bit different then others. I always have to figure out what kind of roles would best suit me to get through the day. Sometimes, I think I am a video game character playing different roles in it.