Venting I dont understand why, it always comes back

[£v£1yn]

I feel fucking amazing, life has been so good, im loving it but then just a few hours ago, i was hit with the need, the urge to suffer, to feel bad, i dont think i deserve most things, i feel like good people deserve good things but considering my past, i deserve nothing. Currently, i feel the need to isolate myself from everyone else and i feel like im getting into a dark place again after all my work of trying to feel better. Realistically, im glad im feeling this way again because this is how i should be, i should have to feel this, as i deserve this after all but, i thought the suffering was over? I dont know how this has happened again, ive suffered nearly my whole life so far. Is that not it? Do i not get a break? Does it not end? I thought it was finished but its back, a very familiar feeling.