Venting i don't think i really want to die but i don't want to live as myself and that leaves me with no choice

[fleurdelune]

it feels like killing myself or at least dying early is my only option. i wouldn't be able to bear living in my ugly body with my defective brain for an entire lifetime. it's just odd because there are things about the world that i think are nice or beautiful (like nature, animals, autumn, the rare instances where people are really kind to one another, and probably a few other things). it's just not enough to keep me wanting to be alive when we live in a world that seems to have more bad than good or neutral (and much of the bad is our fault because humanity is selfish and terrible). at a fundamental level i'm too stupid and sensitive and incompetent for life as we're expected to live it, but i think even if i lived in the woods eating plants and chilling i would feel empty like i do now because of how i'm wired. living is too much work and i'm not up for the challenge.

i guess where i was initially going to go with this post is that i don't think i'd mind if i were reincarnated as someone else as long as i'd have a "normal" brain. i would be able to ignore the painful things i fixate on now (??) and i wouldn't find life so tiring that i'd rather end it. i would derive pleasure from things, i'd be interested in doing stuff, and the gaping hole in me wouldn't be infinite or maybe wouldn't exist at all. i've just about always wondered what it would be like to be cut out for life.

i'd be totally fine with death being nothingness too, though, and a spiteful part of me doesn't want to live even as someone else. i don't want to participate in this whole society thing in any body :P

idk... i'm probably not making very much sense, but maybe someone relates even a little bit? thank you for reading my rant :***) this forum has been a social outlet and a comfort for me lately as my mental health is declining steeply and i'm really grateful to everyone on here for fostering an environment where people can talk about their struggles relatively openly

also it's a shame i don't care for Type O Negative because "I Don't Wanna Be Me" fits quite well here lol

 

[lastappleonearth]

it feels like killing myself or at least dying early is my only option. i wouldn't be able to bear living in my ugly body with my defective brain for an entire lifetime. it's just odd because there are things about the world that i think are nice or beautiful (like nature, animals, autumn, the rare instances where people are really kind to one another, and probably a few other things). it's just not enough to keep me wanting to be alive when we live in a world that seems to have more bad than good or neutral (and much of the bad is our fault because humanity is selfish and terrible). at a fundamental level i'm too stupid and sensitive and incompetent for life as we're expected to live it, but i think even if i lived in the woods eating plants and chilling i would feel empty like i do now because of how i'm wired. living is too much work and i'm not up for the challenge.

i guess where i was initially going to go with this post is that i don't think i'd mind if i were reincarnated as someone else as long as i'd have a "normal" brain. i would be able to ignore the painful things i fixate on now (??) and i wouldn't find life so tiring that i'd rather end it. i would derive pleasure from things, i'd be interested in doing stuff, and the gaping hole in me wouldn't be infinite or maybe wouldn't exist at all. i've just about always wondered what it would be like to be cut out for life.

i'd be totally fine with death being nothingness too, though, and a spiteful part of me doesn't want to live even as someone else. i don't want to participate in this whole society thing in any body :P

idk... i'm probably not making very much sense, but maybe someone relates even a little bit? thank you for reading my rant :***) this forum has been a social outlet and a comfort for me lately as my mental health is declining steeply and i'm really grateful to everyone on here for fostering an environment where people can talk about their struggles relatively openly

also it's a shame i don't care for Type O Negative because "I Don't Wanna Be Me" fits quite well here lol

I think you make sense, I can relate in some ways. There are nice things in this world, a lot of them actually created by us, though a lot of them also not. There are I guess experiences worth living through, but I do kind of feel the same in the sense that it's just not enough. Sure I can go for a walk in the forest and I'm grateful for that, but this unfortunately doesn't fix anything, it doesn't make my loneliness go away. I honestly wish I was still a kid.
Well anyway I'm glad you're comfortable sharing your thoughts here, I wish you all the best

 

[rootbeer400]

I also understand where you're coming from, i think. I feel as though human existence is peak absurdity. It doesn't matter if your existence is as a caveman or a modern-day person when its all based on the bullshit expectations of living. Personally, I hope for nothing when i'm dead.

I hope you're able to enjoy this years Autumn season, look forward to the changing colours of the leaves. :)

 

[pickedmyctbdate]

Makes total sense to me! I've been having second thoughts about my ctb date. Patly, because I can't source what I need to do it, but also because I'm not sure I really want to "die," I just don't want to live as "me."

Except I do NOT want to be reincarnated! Once is bad enough! The thought of coming back again and again sounds like my idea of hell!

I don't necessarily want to die and the thought of sitting there with that cup and actually pouring is really scary. Like a the moment where I'm on the precipice and this is it and there's no taking it back. Do I really want to die? If I'm honest, not really. I just want to stop being a rejected failure at life.

And I'm too old to change that I've already completely failed at life. Fucked things up beyond all recognition. So I'm pretty much just waiting until my ex doesn't want to support me anymore, and then I'll be homeless and won't have the means to do it myself. I'm just waiting to die right now anyway, and SN or N would be about as peaceful a way to go as there is. I have a lot of physical health problems, so natural death is unlikely to be very pleasant for me.

I'm one of those people (and many are not suicidal) who thinks it's cruel that we can give our pets a peaceful, painless death, but very few people live someplace where they can obtain that for themselves. And even in those states, you have to be terminally ill----not just terminally bad at life.

 

[fleurdelune]

Makes total sense to me! I've been having second thoughts about my ctb date. Patly, because I can't source what I need to do it, but also because I'm not sure I really want to "die," I just don't want to live as "me."

Except I do NOT want to be reincarnated! Once is bad enough! The thought of coming back again and again sounds like my idea of hell!

I don't necessarily want to die and the thought of sitting there with that cup and actually pouring is really scary. Like a the moment where I'm on the precipice and this is it and there's no taking it back. Do I really want to die? If I'm honest, not really. I just want to stop being a rejected failure at life.

And I'm too old to change that I've already completely failed at life. Fucked things up beyond all recognition. So I'm pretty much just waiting until my ex doesn't want to support me anymore, and then I'll be homeless and won't have the means to do it myself. I'm just waiting to die right now anyway, and SN or N would be about as peaceful a way to go as there is. I have a lot of physical health problems, so natural death is unlikely to be very pleasant for me.

I'm one of those people (and many are not suicidal) who thinks it's cruel that we can give our pets a peaceful, painless death, but very few people live someplace where they can obtain that for themselves. And even in those states, you have to be terminally ill----not just terminally bad at life.

lol about the reincarnation part, the thought of coming back freaks me out too but in theory if you were to come back as a normal person it wouldn't be hell, or at least not to the extent it is for us on this site. from what i can tell, life for normal people (for lack of a better term) doesn't equal constant suffering like it does for us :'))) i can't conceive of that in my mind but that's because i'm not meant to, i guess.

i'm sorry you feel stuck in this waiting-to-die state :( i feel like i'm in limbo or purgatory too, like i've overstayed my welcome on earth but i'm stuck here due to Stuff and Things and it's awkward. i feel clumsy as i attempt to move through life like i'm a zombie relearning how to walk after being resurrected for some reason, except i just never actually got the hang of walking and never will. sigh

i hope you're able to stay as comfortable as possible in the meantime. i don't know your reasons for saying you've "failed" at life, but from what you've shared here it doesn't sound like you've failed at all -- you've presumably lived into adulthood, you've had a serious relationship, you have an ex who is willing to support you... all successes in my book, for whatever that's worth (i'm 21 and i've seen very little of the world). i do genuinely feel that some people simply aren't meant for life in ~society~, but you might not necessarily be one of those people, even though it may feel like you are right now.

and yeah, i wish physician-assisted suicide were allowed for people who are chronically ill (but not terminally ill) or chronically suicidal too :( i am by no means against euthanasia for animals when it spares them suffering, but it's kinda ironic how in most jurisdictions euthanasia of a consenting human isn't allowed, but euthanasia of other animals who can't consent is fine. why can't we respect a person's informed decision to die??? it's frustrating.

sorry for writing a whole novel; i'm lonely :**) but i hope you're able to find peace in some form.

 

[Passenger4224]

idk... i'm probably not making very much sense, but maybe someone relates even a little bit?

I relate a lot, not just a little bit. You aren't alone with this issue. It always upsets me how this cruel world forces people to live as someone they don't want to be.

 

[ShiroNoKitsune]

I've had long rolling discussions about reincarnation in my head for a while.

I think one of the reasons I don't commit to this, is because I don't know what's on the other side.

If I could go on in a new life regardless of the circumstances. Knowing I could always come back as something or someone else would make me happy.

I don't want a void on the other side of this. I want my suffering to mean something, in the grand scheme of it all. Not just mine, but others too.

What if time is a flat circle and my death results in my birth, back into this life, over and over again? If that's the case it means I should live this to the fullest, right?

 

[delinquentsandwich]

I relate a lot

existence isn't an issue with me; life has its beauty
I love nature: the flowers blooming into life, the wind blowing on the grass and the leaves, the torrential rain..
the few people with kind souls that you occasionally meet- the ones who can put a smile on my face
hobbies like art.. specifically music
that's all I can really think of.. my brain fog is really bad..

I flip flop between wanting reincarnation and not
I'd need to be, normal as you said, to even consider it

I wish that my life hadn't come to this..

 

[pickedmyctbdate]

lol about the reincarnation part, the thought of coming back freaks me out too but in theory if you were to come back as a normal person it wouldn't be hell, or at least not to the extent it is for us on this site. from what i can tell, life for normal people (for lack of a better term) doesn't equal constant suffering like it does for us :'))) i can't conceive of that in my mind but that's because i'm not meant to, i guess.

i'm sorry you feel stuck in this waiting-to-die state :( i feel like i'm in limbo or purgatory too, like i've overstayed my welcome on earth but i'm stuck here due to Stuff and Things and it's awkward. i feel clumsy as i attempt to move through life like i'm a zombie relearning how to walk after being resurrected for some reason, except i just never actually got the hang of walking and never will. sigh

i hope you're able to stay as comfortable as possible in the meantime. i don't know your reasons for saying you've "failed" at life, but from what you've shared here it doesn't sound like you've failed at all -- you've presumably lived into adulthood, you've had a serious relationship, you have an ex who is willing to support you... all successes in my book, for whatever that's worth (i'm 21 and i've seen very little of the world). i do genuinely feel that some people simply aren't meant for life in ~society~, but you might not necessarily be one of those people, even though it may feel like you are right now.

and yeah, i wish physician-assisted suicide were allowed for people who are chronically ill (but not terminally ill) or chronically suicidal too :( i am by no means against euthanasia for animals when it spares them suffering, but it's kinda ironic how in most jurisdictions euthanasia of a consenting human isn't allowed, but euthanasia of other animals who can't consent is fine. why can't we respect a person's informed decision to die??? it's frustrating.

sorry for writing a whole novel; i'm lonely :**) but i hope you're able to find peace in some form.

Funny, how to me, it's seems completely the opposite. At 21, there's still time to turn things around. There's still decades too find love or a fulfilling career doing something you enjoy----but I remember having suicidal thoughts at 21 too. I never would have acted on them as long as my mother was alive. Because she was awesome and she loved me, and I loved her.

Now I'm old enough I could BE your mom and there isn't the time left to turn things around. Yes, my ex is great for helping me not be homeless. He's a good man. I fucked that up. I fucked up my career---and no one hires a 55-year-old woman. Maybe not even a 55-year-old man. I'm nearly retirement age and I have Social Security. I'm just completely fucked.


This is not me trying to dissuade you, but I think it is worth keeping in mind that the frontal lobe of the brain doesn't finish fully developing until about age 25. I did a lot of shit before about 25 that I would not have done in my 30s and later. (More so when I was a teenager, but even at 20 and 21, I was pretty impulsive). Just food for thought.