(Warning: Very long rants and kind of pointless lol)
I think I have some kind of personality disorder. I've felt it for as long as I can remember. I feel like I am the person in this quote: "You can't save someone who doesn't want saving"
I don't want saving I just want it to be over. I've been very privileged and given up or simply didn't take the opportunities I was given. Wasted hours and years just doing nothing. I can never get that time back. I can never get those opportunities back. I can never take back the countless times I've embarrassed myself and been looked down on by others. Lost their respect when I couldn't keep the facade up.
Also, this anger I experience is just unbearable. I've never been in a real relationship (possibly for the best) because I know I would eventually abuse the person I was with. The only difference now is I acknowledge and agree I have these issues, but I refuse to do the work necessary. Idk everything about me just feels off and wrong.
I know if I don't end it soon, I will just continue to stagnate and do nothing. I REFUSE TO ENTER MY 20'S LIKE THIS. Either I do the work (Which I won't) even just thinking about doing it makes my blood boil. Or I end it. I've listened to many arguments against suicide and none of them really work. (ignoring the religious ones though..)
1. Suicide is the coward's way out and only losers choose this option
Me: Don't think most people who die by suicide are, but in my case yeah, I agree with you. I am a total coward and loser. My ego is already completely destroyed, and this only allows me to pity myself even more. What a pathetic existence I am! Only thing left to do is end it! :)
2. Your parent(s), relatives, and friends will be left destroyed
Me: I honestly don't care. I like your attempt at guilt tripping me though lol. Also, I don't have any friends I pushed away the very few I had quite a whiles ago. This is my choice. If I didn't have any say in being born in this crazy world then I should AT THE VERY LEAST have the last say of when I want to go.
3. It gets better
Me: Maybe, but I myself don't see it getting better. The only times was when I was manic and I know I was never in a clear state of mind when having those thoughts. Also fuck people who say this, ya'll are the same peoples that repeat your "pull yourself by the bootstraps" mantra. Ah, what is that thing you always tell us?
"YOU THINK LIFE IS HARD? DEAL WITH IT, BE A MAN! LIFE ISN'T ABOUT LIVING ITS ABOUT SURVIVING!"
Funny you say this, but when the person is suicidal you say the exact opposite...
"LIFE IS HARD, BUT IT GETS BETTER" You are just manipulating me to continue living when you yourself is miserable half the time, playing mental gymnastics to keep living.
Conclusion:
I'm weak, pathetic, and useless. No skills whatsoever, my mere existence is an embarrassment. Never achieved anything in my life. Got awful grades I don't even understand how I passed my classes. I don't know what else to say, everything about me is just wrong... I just can't get myself to help myself.
Simply, I'd rather be known as the guy that recently died and quickly forgotten about than be a man child, used as an example for other kids of what not to do and be.
Also, the more I think about it, life in general is just shitty. I'm sorry to put it bluntly, but if you miss your milestones its EXTREMELY difficult to catch up. And observing just how much mental and physical stress people go through is pretty terrifying. It's terrifying knowing just how far a human being can suffer.
I kind of think of life like how humans build trust with each other. It's very difficult to gain someone's trust, but very easy to break it. Like that its tough to build a decent life for yourself yet its so easy to destroy it all, sometimes it breaks through no fault of your own. It doesn't seem worth it at all.
I will acknowledge maybe a small part of me wants to live, I do question this part of myself though. Who knows maybe when I do attempt suicide I will survive and have this ~life altering experience~ and forever be motivated to be the best person I can be
)) however that seems like la la la land and I doubt It. But I will admit I have no idea what the future holds for me. Maybe I will succeed and that will be that or I won't. I really don't know.
