i don't relate to any1 at all

[flkywch]

small drunken rant, only sasu would care to read it and comment esp when i say the shit i'm abt to say which comes off extremely cold. prob gna be a mess as well.

all i've ever craved in life is a feeling of connection to other people. i remember probably 11 years ago when i was fairly young writing a large thread on the sanctionedsuicide subreddit abt how i can't feel connected to anybody at all and it was genuinely ruining my life. i didn't feel human back then and i still don't. i'm only in my early 20s but still.. i didn't give a single fuck about family/friends at all. they could die tomorrow and i don't think i'd shed a tear. i would use them to occupy my mind to distract myself. i would ignore calls/texts bcs it felt like filling in a spreadsheet metaphorically.

i had a group of people that would invite me out a couple yrs ago and i appreciate them a lot for that, but it got to the point of me not caring that they literally started emailing me. now i've lost them and i think i idolise what i had while realising if i had that again i genuinely wouldn't give af. while i had that group i tried mdma and i felt an entirely new feeling, i kid you not i had never felt real human connection in my life until i took mdma. it was like a blind person being able to see. i drink a lot nowadays bcs it feels like i get a glimpse of that feeling when talking to people on alcohol on random games where ppl drink. but i need to be fucking wasted.

i have zero problems conversing with people and in fact most ppl come to like me, but caring about them enough to reply past a few days or weeks is impossible. it is insanely depressing. i see people with best friends and i wonder how they keep up the care for them for years on end. i find that rly cute.

even got into the habit of using girls because i would also get small bursts of love/connection from this, and also it distracted me from any bad thoughts but i hurt a lottt of people. admittedly this was an insanely good coping mechanism however i can't bring myself to do this anymore because of guilt.

now it feels like i've reached an end stage where i genuinely don't know what to do as all my coping mechanisms are catching up with me. i can't find anybody to relate to on this either. it feels like ppl on sasu or elsewhere are struggling to keep people when people are struggling to keep me when i don't want to disconnect so easily.

i just want to care abt someone genuinely, because i know what it feels like and it completes my human experience. i don't think i am even that depressed. i don't think i truly want to die esp if i could fix this issue. however it certainly is making me suicidal

my mind marks off 99% of the human race immediately

it finds nearly everyone cringe

used to think i was schizoid because i have a schizo dad, no. i definitely crave connection. however i do struggle from intense apathy

it's horrible, i used to accept it, however so much introspection has made me realise us humans are social animals and i can't isolate any longer and close off that part of my instinct. however even after yrs of instrospection i can't tell if this is an intensely deeprooted train of thought or some sort of inherent lack of oxytocin

anyone relate ? pls keep in mind i don't think this is due to autism or issues speaking to ppl but an innate inability to connect

 

[BlueButterfly111]

Yes I can kind of relate, I struggle to relate and connect with most people and do not feel any connection towards my family, even though I did when I was younger, but it might also be because I've been estranged from them for years. I also don't feel human either, I feel like an alien from a different planet, like my home is somewhere else.

But yeah I can't relate to most people when they talk about loving their family or friends deeply, and I kind of feel bad about it, because I want to feel that way but I just don't.

I eventually just chalked it up to me being autistic and my brain working/functioning differently to most peoples.

The only person I cared about/still care about was my boyfriend who passed away 7 months ago. He was such a unique person, it's hard to explain the connection that I had with him. But now that he's dead, I want to die as well. We had such a short time together, less than a year, and I really miss him a lot. Never felt that way with anyone before I met him, I feel really lonely, but I don't want anyone else except him.

 

[flkywch]

Yes I can kind of relate, I struggle to relate and connect with most people and do not feel any connection towards my family, even though I did when I was younger, but it might also be because I've been estranged from them for years. I also don't feel human either, I feel like an alien from a different planet, like my home is somewhere else.

But yeah I can't relate to most people when they talk about loving their family or friends deeply, and I kind of feel bad about it, because I want to feel that way but I just don't.

I eventually just chalked it up to me being autistic and my brain working/functioning differently to most peoples.

The only person I cared about/still care about was my boyfriend who passed away 7 months ago. He was such a unique person, it's hard to explain the connection that I had with him. But now that he's dead, I want to die as well. We had such a short time together, less than a year, and I really miss him a lot. Never felt that way with anyone before I met him, I feel really lonely, but I don't want anyone else except him.

thanks for your comment and it's nice to know you relate. feeling inhuman seems to be a side effect of feeling zero connection with humanity. i have also met "unique" ppl not necessarily ill/autistic people but people just with lots of personality/emotional intelligence who i can connect with for longer but it eventually fades. sorry to hear about your boyfriend but it was nice to know you had someone even if it was for a short amount of time.

 

[BlueButterfly111]

thanks for your comment and it's nice to know you relate. feeling inhuman seems to be a side effect of feeling zero connection with humanity. i have also met "unique" ppl not necessarily ill/autistic people but people just with lots of personality/emotional intelligence who i can connect with for longer but it eventually fades. sorry to hear about your boyfriend but it was nice to know you had someone even if it was for a short amount of time.

Thank you so much! Yeah I've felt that way as well, like the only time I've felt drawn to a person was if they were unique. I think the difference between you and I though is that you said that people felt drawn to you. I think one reason I can't connect with most people is because I was bullied and outcasted a lot throughout my life, so this makes me not even want to connect with most people to begin with. And yes, I'm grateful that at least I got to experience that. Hopefully it'll be my turn to die soon.