Venting i don’t know why im here or my purpose

[afka]

I just don't get why I'm here. I wake up every morning asking myself this. I'm a complete useless being of a human and don't contribute to anything. I can't do anything right, can't make anyone happy, can't make myself happy, jobless, not in school, can't bring myself to do anything for a living. My whole family complains about me being lazy when I genuinely cannot bring myself to do anything. And even when I do, they still complain that I didn't do it right. I hate myself and so do others. I complain about being isolated, but even in social situations I am very avoidant and keep to myself. I don't understand why I even still complain about being alone yet self-sabotage. I have very few friends and have hung out with them occasionally only to find the social situations unbearable and leave home early to, you guessed it (my landfill mess of a room to complain about how isolated I am online again). I don't know why I avoid every single thing in my life. Why am I so avoidant and careless? As far as taking my own life, trust me, I've tried. I tried overdosing a couple of times but the most it's done is make me shake, and I wake up the next morning. I've also tried other methods, such as hanging myself, but I tested how it would feel before kicking the chair and found it to be too painful. I'm so pathetic even something as taking my own life to free myself from this miserable life is something I cannot do. Pussy I truly am

 

[tonicer]

Welcome to the club buddy.

I feel the exact same. I studied and am searching for a job but nobody is hiring me. I soon turn 43 and have achieved nothing except my Computer Science degree which does nothing for me. Wasted years and wasted nerves learning all that stuff. I love computer shit but no IT company wants me for some reason. I guess it's my ugly face or maybe they can see my curse?! I am going to jump of a skyscraper after my parents are gone. I can't do it while they are still around because they were always fair to me and my mother even loves me. I could never overdose or hang myself but i think i could jump. Just close my eyes and jump forward into nothingness. I however want to make sure i don't land on someone else or close to someone else and traumatize them. This curse cannot jump to another person.

 

[egyptian_baddie]

Nothing about what you just wrote sounds like "useless" or "pathetic." It sounds like someone who is severely depressed, avoidantand exhausted.When you say you "can't bring yourself to do anything" that's not laziness. Laziness is "I don't feel like it." What you're describing is paralysis. What you are describing is not a character flaw , that's a nervous system that's fried.
I am also in a similar avoidance situation where
I avoid social situations → because i feel inadequate.
I leave early → because my brain is scanning for rejection.
I go home → because it's the only place where i can be depressed wth mysekf.
Then i feel lonely → because isolation hurts.
It feels like my anxiety and shame ade playing ping pong.

 

[afka]

Welcome to the club buddy.

I feel the exact same. I studied and am searching for a job but nobody is hiring me. I soon turn 43 and have achieved nothing except my Computer Science degree which does nothing for me. Wasted years and wasted nerves learning all that stuff. I love computer shit but no IT company wants me for some reason. I guess it's my ugly face or maybe they can see my curse?! I am going to jump of a skyscraper after my parents are gone. I can't do it while they are still around because they were always fair to me and my mother even loves me. I could never overdose or hang myself but i think i could jump. Just close my eyes and jump forward into nothingness. I however want to make sure i don't land on someone else or close to someone else and traumatize them. This curse cannot jump to another person.

The world is really unfair. I can't imagine what it must feel like for you to suffer for that long. It's always eye-opening to hear people older than me going through the same thing I am going through. It gives me a sense that I probably should change my life around for the better, as I am still very young, 18 going on 19, but I find it impossible. It's tough out here...it's tough to find the motivation to change...let alone a purpose to keep going. nothing makes me happy

Nothing about what you just wrote sounds like "useless" or "pathetic." It sounds like someone who is severely depressed, avoidantand exhausted.When you say you "can't bring yourself to do anything" that's not laziness. Laziness is "I don't feel like it." What you're describing is paralysis. What you are describing is not a character flaw , that's a nervous system that's fried.
I am also in a similar avoidance situation where
I avoid social situations → because i feel inadequate.
I leave early → because my brain is scanning for rejection.
I go home → because it's the only place where i can be depressed wth mysekf.
Then i feel lonely → because isolation hurts.
It feels like my anxiety and shame ade playing ping pong

I always give myself grace and tell myself it isn't laziness, but my family (especially my grandparents) always tell me that my aunts and uncles who are around my age range accomplished more than I have. They know I am clinically depressed, but have never acknowledged that my lack of motivation is from it. It's always that I'm lazy or don't want to. My grandma has a habit of complaining to my parents or threatening to kick me out if I don't start doing things. I'm just in an environment where depression is invalidated. I'm feeling myself being manipulated into their words, that maybe I am just lazy. And I feel a bit comforted to know that I'm not the only one dealing with such confusing social dynamics

 

[SummerTrip]

The only purpose we have is to become ourselves. Nothing less, nothing more. Don't be so hard on yourself. This world isn't made for everyone. Think of it as a forge. You became yourself. That's the only purpose it has.

Luck is what determines whether you succeed or not. You can study, work, whatever 24/7 and get nowhere simply because you weren't at the right place at the right time, or missed something that seemed unimportant. Anyway, success is just a construct generated by the time you live in. Try to think about what would make you happy, not what society thinks makes people happy.

You aren't a pussy. Survival instinct is a bitch all of us have to deal with. It really is an ugly bitch and I wish it wasn't here in the first place but it is and there is nothing we can do but either overcome it and end our existence in here or subside and "move forward". The latter, as it seems to me, is a way to give yourself some time to actually fight SI. It's not a weakness, just a human condition.

Try to relax, rationalize your stance in this world, think about what is possible for you, even if it requires tons of work, and what isn't. Do you have something you want to achieve with what you have at the moment or you truly feel nothing about everything? If it is the former and you still have desires for something, just go for it. Don't waste your time. If it's the latter, give yourself some space and time to prepare, calm down and do what's right for you.

You aren't weak. You are just a human being.

 

[tonicer]

The world is really unfair. I can't imagine what it must feel like for you to suffer for that long. It's always eye-opening to hear people older than me going through the same thing I am going through. It gives me a sense that I probably should change my life around for the better, as I am still very young, 18 going on 19, but I find it impossible. It's tough out here...it's tough to find the motivation to change...let alone a purpose to keep going. nothing makes me happy

I had no idea you're that young. You still have a chance to make something out of yourself. Don't waste that chance. I wish i had. I could have maybe broken my curse back then but i was severely limited at the time.

 

[itsgone2]

I soon turn 43 and have achieved nothing except my Computer Science degree which does nothing for me. Wasted years and wasted nerves learning all that stuff. I love computer shit but no IT company wants me for some reason.

A great betrayal. We were told to enter this field only to see jobs sent off to cheap labor. IT should be safe and instead what you are seeing is the norm.

 

[tonicer]

A great betrayal. We were told to enter this field only to see jobs sent off to cheap labor. IT should be safe and instead what you are seeing is the norm.

Yeah. I have no hate for the foreigners that get the jobs in my country but for the companies that rather hire foreigners instead of natives.