hipsnake

hipsnake

bpd freak
May 20, 2023
19
Hi, I've posted two things about my situation. One about guilt and another about wanting to push my friends away, and I'm back again. You see it's not that I want to die, but that I don't want to live, as it's undesirable to me to live in such a world. I planned to kill myself after the summer ends, so that I can at least have some time to be happy and spend time with family before I go.
This never caused any issues with me hesitating, as I'm very set on my decision. But, my plan to enjoy my final days isn't working at all. I'm really trying to be happy while I can but I just feel more miserable. Why is it that I'm not happy but just counting the days down? I'm not in a rush to die. If I can't even enjoy these final days I have left, then I'm planning on killing myself sooner so I don't have to continue feeling so miserable. I really don't want to so I can spend time with family, but this seems to be what's going to happen if this continues.
Does anyone have any knowledge on why I could be feeling this way or advice?
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: (¥), Praestat_Mori, Illidan77 and 3 others
The anhedonic one

The anhedonic one

Dead inside
May 20, 2023
1,070
Hi, I've posted two things about my situation. One about guilt and another about wanting to push my friends away, and I'm back again. You see it's not that I want to die, but that I don't want to live, as it's undesirable to me to live in such a world. I planned to kill myself after the summer ends, so that I can at least have some time to be happy and spend time with family before I go.
This never caused any issues with me hesitating, as I'm very set on my decision. But, my plan to enjoy my final days isn't working at all. I'm really trying to be happy while I can but I just feel more miserable. Why is it that I'm not happy but just counting the days down? I'm not in a rush to die. If I can't even enjoy these final days I have left, then I'm planning on killing myself sooner so I don't have to continue feeling so miserable. I really don't want to so I can spend time with family, but this seems to be what's going to happen if this continues.
Does anyone have any knowledge on why I could be feeling this way or advice?
Pushing friends and family away when suffering from mental illnesses and suicidal thoughts is perfectly normal, so please don't feel guilty about it.
Yet of course it's only natural to feel saddened by this.

I'm definitely CTB at the beginning Autumn, when I will have enough money to go to Mexico for N.
Yet I am definitely not enjoying my last days.
I am suffering from Anhedonia and existential crisis, so enjoying anything is virtually impossible.
Do you suffer from these things too ?

I also don't really want to die, but I have to because it is impossible for my situation to improve.
Only suffering upon suffering lies ahead.
So sorry you are going through this.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: Praestat_Mori and LoiteringClouds
hipsnake

hipsnake

bpd freak
May 20, 2023
19
Pushing friends and family away when suffering from mental illnesses and suicidal thoughts is perfectly normal, so please don't feel guilty about it.
Yet of course it's only natural to feel saddened by this.

I'm definitely CTB at the beginning Autumn, when I will have enough money to go to Mexico for N.
Yet I am definitely not enjoying my last days.
I am suffering from Anhedonia and existential crisis, so enjoying anything is virtually impossible.
Do you suffer from these things too ?

I also don't really want to die, but I have to because it is impossible for my situation to improve.
Only suffering upon suffering lies ahead.
So sorry you are going through this.
I have very bad physical and mental health. It's difficult for me to move sometimes without being in pain. A lot of my issues are genetic so I feel like I was set up for this..
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: Praestat_Mori, LoiteringClouds and The anhedonic one
The anhedonic one

The anhedonic one

Dead inside
May 20, 2023
1,070
I have very bad physical and mental health. It's difficult for me to move sometimes without being in pain. A lot of my issues are genetic so I feel like I was set up for this..
Yes, I feel you on this.
I was diagnosed with clinical
depression aged 7.
Mental illness runs in my family.
It has ruined my life.
 
Elysion

Elysion

Member
Jun 12, 2023
63
Suffering and sadness or happiness and peace, both are among human emotions, both of these will never exist together, except for one of them. Only those suffering from hypomanic depression can be happy and sad at the same time. You can get help from medicine and doctor to be happy or improve your relationship with family and find new friends. The only way to get the feeling of happiness and peace is to get rid of the feeling of sadness and suffering. You cannot fight for happiness when your intention is suicide. Only those who think of suicide as a sacrifice for something can feel happiness from the last days of their life.
 
FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
38,856
To me it makes a lot of sense feeling so miserable as existing here undeniably is dreadful, there really is no real relief from suffering as long as one is trapped here. It does sound awful and tiring what you go through, it's such a horrible world we exist in where people suffer all through no fault of their own. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.
 
  • Like
Reactions: The anhedonic one
The anhedonic one

The anhedonic one

Dead inside
May 20, 2023
1,070
To me it makes a lot of sense feeling so miserable as existing here undeniably is dreadful, there really is no real relief from suffering as long as one is trapped here. It does sound awful and tiring what you go through, it's such a horrible world we exist in where people suffer all through no fault of their own. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.
Yes, Happiness is an illusion for the deluded.
 

Similar threads

dqngerous
Replies
0
Views
137
Suicide Discussion
dqngerous
dqngerous
ren4215
Replies
1
Views
164
Suicide Discussion
Plutopolis
P
toxicjester
Replies
10
Views
489
Suicide Discussion
toxicjester
toxicjester
A
Replies
4
Views
332
Suicide Discussion
DeadManLiving
DeadManLiving
lavenderlilylies
Replies
5
Views
220
Suicide Discussion
lavenderlilylies
lavenderlilylies