Venting i dont know what to do anymore

[autonecrotic]

i cant bear a single more day on this fucking earth anymore. every night the thought of having to wake up the next day is so crushing i wish i could just sleep forever. i hate that good people care about me because they have to deal with this fucked up awful selfish person i am because i want to die. i want to die so fucking badly. i dont care about anything in my life other than staying as high as possible any time i am awake so i dont have to face the crushing reality of how fucking worthless i am and always have been. i cant be forced to do this anymore. ive worked for so many years to recover from how much i have ruined my life through addiction and dealing with my mental illness since a teenager. and i dont even give a fuck anymore. i STILL want to throw it all away. nothing ever fucking changes. i will be stuck in this cycle until i finally close my eyes for good. i dont see any other way out. i feel guilty for even opening my eyes and breathing air every day. im wasting everybody's time who cares about me, hoping i will get better when i know in the back of my head it is useless to care for someone like me who will ultimately end my own life sooner rather than later. i wish there were easier methods to ctb because i would in a heart beat. im so tired of trying to figure out the most acccessible way when every method seems like its almost near impossible to be lethal enough to ctb unless its with a firearm or jumping from a bridge and im too much of a pussy to jump. though in the back of my head that always has been my ultimate if nothing else works out. but i just want to go peacefully and quietly in the comfort of my bed. why is that so hard and why is that so much to ask for??

 

[brokennsad]

U r right, every method seems almost impossible. Even the freaking co is too hard to pull off. Although 4 me the argon gas research i did seems the best. It's just i have to calculate when to receive it bc it could be delivered when my stupid ass brother is over n I have to sign 4 it bc its considered hazmat.its not flammable or anything but its gas under pressure. He'll be like what's that. Tank in 1 bx n regulator/n tubing in a other bx.
I shouldn't have listened to a few dudes on here n ordered it anyway. I would have gotten it thur or yesterday n he didn't come over either day. Could have filled the bathroom n ctb Thursday night or last night bc he didn't check in via text until today at 1. There's 1 case online where the dude used argon with a plastic bag overhead, he only was exposed 4 less than an hr bc his parents came home n found him unconscious. They he didnt die bc they think its bc the gas leaked out of bottom of bag bc its denser than air. Which is why 4 me laying on floor in enclosed bathroom with it released is imo n documented other incidents the method that would work 4 me bc there's many doc cases of merely enclosed unventilated small space for a length of time n its fatal