I dont know what to do anymore.

[Lou_Charthethird]

i physically cannot feel anything at all. Any push or pull to certain interests or disinterests, even the ones ive had before this happened. I cant feel fear or urges or anxiety or complex depression, i cant feel hope or comfort or assurance or confidence or pure happiness . I wouldn't even know what they would feel like, i have been fully sapped of any emotion. This came during my formative years, all of highschool, i spent it like this. I couldnt form a personality or a understanding of myself during the years i needed to, instead i did the opposite. Im now supposed to go to college but in order to do it, i need to know what I want. And i have no clue what that is. So im stuck like this for whats been over 4 years now, so removed from any form of sentimentality and empathy, and now im going to make decisions for myself that im incapable of truly enjoying. I dont know how to fix this, i dont even know what this is, and i just want to die. I know that if i were to "fix" this, i would be a incredibly depressed, thats why my body is doing this, to hide myself from myself. But there is no right answer, this isnt helping, and i cant kill myself because i dont know how. The night night method is so confusing to pull off and i cant find any more accessible method. Im stuck in this limbo and its ruined any chance i couldve had with determining what to do with my life.

 

[An Empty Soul]

I understand the immense emptiness you're feeling right now, and your inability to hold onto any emotions. When you say, "My body is doing this to hide me from myself," you've actually diagnosed the situation so accurately... This isn't your fault or a part of your personality; it's an emergency mode your mind is using to protect you from severe trauma or depression.

Spending your high school years like this, feeling like you haven't built a "self," is a heavy burden. But you should know this: that personality hasn't disappeared, it's just locked away under that protective shield. It's perfectly normal that you can't make decisions about college or your future right now; because you can't make plans for "living" when the system is in "survival" mode.

Seeking "night night" (SN) or other methods is actually a result of the deep exhaustion you feel from this uncertainty and numbness. But it's not a solution. This state of "numbness" isn't permanent; with the right professional support, and once your brain chemistry is balanced, those emotions can slowly and safely return.

Please, just stop searching for that 'method' tonight. The fact that you can't kill yourself isn't 'incompetence,' it's proof your body is still fighting for you. Come on, don't try to 'fix' this situation alone. A psychiatrist or therapist can help you gently lower that shield together, without upsetting you.

 

[Lou_Charthethird]

I understand the immense emptiness you're feeling right now, and your inability to hold onto any emotions. When you say, "My body is doing this to hide me from myself," you've actually diagnosed the situation so accurately... This isn't your fault or a part of your personality; it's an emergency mode your mind is using to protect you from severe trauma or depression.

Spending your high school years like this, feeling like you haven't built a "self," is a heavy burden. But you should know this: that personality hasn't disappeared, it's just locked away under that protective shield. It's perfectly normal that you can't make decisions about college or your future right now; because you can't make plans for "living" when the system is in "survival" mode.

Seeking "night night" (SN) or other methods is actually a result of the deep exhaustion you feel from this uncertainty and numbness. But it's not a solution. This state of "numbness" isn't permanent; with the right professional support, and once your brain chemistry is balanced, those emotions can slowly and safely return.

Please, just stop searching for that 'method' tonight. The fact that you can't kill yourself isn't 'incompetence,' it's proof your body is still fighting for you. Come on, don't try to 'fix' this situation alone. A psychiatrist or therapist can help you gently lower that shield together, without upsetting you.

Honestly it doesnt seem like theres any real evidence that i can recover. I dont *want* to kill myself. But it feels inhumane to live life as this creature pretending to be a human. I have a psychiatrist right now and all they do is misdiagnose me and give me antidepressants which isnt what i need. I cant inhibit emotions, i NEED the emotions. Ive overall had bad luck with any type of therapy so ive tried to fix this on my own. But i just dont know what to do and i feel like an onion with the amount if layers there are to the true me. I dont know what buttons of my mine to press or what being me even looks like anymore. Its impossible to do on my own and therapy hasn't helped me. I appreciate the sentiment truly, but i believe i am a lost cause. I dont know why this happened, i remember i was really really depressed (to say the least) when i was 13 so maybe over time my body just made a business decision that emotions werent worth it. I feel like i could keep on existing and my body will never change. I dont want to live life without being me, id rather not live at all. Again thank you for the sentiment

 

[passedawayinapril]

It never gets better, does it?

 

[Lou_Charthethird]

It never gets better, does it?

Doesnt seem like it. Ive tried my best to look for any kind of hope and it doesnt seem there is any.

 

[insectontrial]

I understand the immense emptiness you're feeling right now, and your inability to hold onto any emotions. When you say, "My body is doing this to hide me from myself," you've actually diagnosed the situation so accurately... This isn't your fault or a part of your personality; it's an emergency mode your mind is using to protect you from severe trauma or depression.

Spending your high school years like this, feeling like you haven't built a "self," is a heavy burden. But you should know this: that personality hasn't disappeared, it's just locked away under that protective shield. It's perfectly normal that you can't make decisions about college or your future right now; because you can't make plans for "living" when the system is in "survival" mode.

Seeking "night night" (SN) or other methods is actually a result of the deep exhaustion you feel from this uncertainty and numbness. But it's not a solution. This state of "numbness" isn't permanent; with the right professional support, and once your brain chemistry is balanced, those emotions can slowly and safely return.

Please, just stop searching for that 'method' tonight. The fact that you can't kill yourself isn't 'incompetence,' it's proof your body is still fighting for you. Come on, don't try to 'fix' this situation alone. A psychiatrist or therapist can help you gently lower that shield together, without upsetting you.

Just to clarify, SN and the "night night" method are not the same thing

 

[Gomomon]

I've been feeling the same, Apathy is a crazy thing...it feels like nothing will ever improve

 

[An Empty Soul]

Honestly it doesnt seem like theres any real evidence that i can recover. I dont *want* to kill myself. But it feels inhumane to live life as this creature pretending to be a human. I have a psychiatrist right now and all they do is misdiagnose me and give me antidepressants which isnt what i need. I cant inhibit emotions, i NEED the emotions. Ive overall had bad luck with any type of therapy so ive tried to fix this on my own. But i just dont know what to do and i feel like an onion with the amount if layers there are to the true me. I dont know what buttons of my mine to press or what being me even looks like anymore. Its impossible to do on my own and therapy hasn't helped me. I appreciate the sentiment truly, but i believe i am a lost cause. I dont know why this happened, i remember i was really really depressed (to say the least) when i was 13 so maybe over time my body just made a business decision that emotions werent worth it. I feel like i could keep on existing and my body will never change. I dont want to live life without being me, id rather not live at all. Again thank you for the sentiment

Thank you so much for your honesty. I really wish I could give you a big hug right now. Saying "I don't want to kill myself" shows that the real you is still there, searching for a way to live. You're simply not accepting this current state of "numbness" as life, which is actually proof of the value you place on yourself.

It's such a disappointment that psychiatrists and therapists have tried to dismiss you with "misdiagnoses" or just medication... You needed to reconnect with your emotions, not suppress them, and the opposite has only thickened those "layers of onion." During that severe depression you experienced at age 13, your body truly made that "decision" to survive; because those emotions were too heavy to bear at the time. But that doesn't mean your system is permanently broken, it just means it's currently stuck in "safe mode."

Feeling like an "onion" shows that there's so much inside you waiting to be discovered. It's not your fault you don't know which buttons to press on your own; you just haven't met someone to shine the right light on you. Therapy may not have helped so far, but that's not because you're a 'lost case,' it's because you haven't yet met someone who speaks your language.

Please, hold on to that small possibility that your body might one day break free from this 'safe mode.' Your unwillingness to live life without yourself shows how much you miss that 'real you.' If that longing is still there, so is hope. Will you just stay here with me tonight, sharing this longing? You don't have to 'fix' anything, just being there is enough.

 

[Lou_Charthethird]

Thank you so much for your honesty. I really wish I could give you a big hug right now. Saying "I don't want to kill myself" shows that the real you is still there, searching for a way to live. You're simply not accepting this current state of "numbness" as life, which is actually proof of the value you place on yourself.

It's such a disappointment that psychiatrists and therapists have tried to dismiss you with "misdiagnoses" or just medication... You needed to reconnect with your emotions, not suppress them, and the opposite has only thickened those "layers of onion." During that severe depression you experienced at age 13, your body truly made that "decision" to survive; because those emotions were too heavy to bear at the time. But that doesn't mean your system is permanently broken, it just means it's currently stuck in "safe mode."

Feeling like an "onion" shows that there's so much inside you waiting to be discovered. It's not your fault you don't know which buttons to press on your own; you just haven't met someone to shine the right light on you. Therapy may not have helped so far, but that's not because you're a 'lost case,' it's because you haven't yet met someone who speaks your language.

Please, hold on to that small possibility that your body might one day break free from this 'safe mode.' Your unwillingness to live life without yourself shows how much you miss that 'real you.' If that longing is still there, so is hope. Will you just stay here with me tonight, sharing this longing? You don't have to 'fix' anything, just being there is enough.

But whatever emotions i seem to show in my chats arent really as intense as they sound. I physically cannot long to be myself. But i obviously know that my life is pointless bec of it. And the same thoughts saying i dont want to die are matched with thoughts saying i dont not want to die. I say it that way to emphasize that i truly do not hold any ability to think and feel uniquely.

I have this fake personality i put on to distract myself and others to make me and them think that this is truly me. I act a certain way, a fake way, like an alter ego.

Ive gotten used to this alter ego, my personality is pliable because there is nothing truly there. I can just add whatever i want to it. Nothing about it makes sense. Im not grounded to reality at all

i dont feel an urgency to be me, and i wish i did, but there is nothing inside of me truly. Its like i dont know it, but i really dont want to be me deep down. There isnt a point to a therapist though. I cant explain, but its impossible. I really appreciate you going out of your way to offer support, but its just not worth it im sorry. I am truly a lost cause, i wouldnt be saying it if it werent true

 

[An Empty Soul]

But whatever emotions i seem to show in my chats arent really as intense as they sound. I physically cannot long to be myself. But i obviously know that my life is pointless bec of it. And the same thoughts saying i dont want to die are matched with thoughts saying i dont not want to die. I say it that way to emphasize that i truly do not hold any ability to think and feel uniquely.

I have this fake personality i put on to distract myself and others to make me and them think that this is truly me. I act a certain way, a fake way, like an alter ego.

Ive gotten used to this alter ego, my personality is pliable because there is nothing truly there. I can just add whatever i want to it. Nothing about it makes sense. Im not grounded to reality at all

i dont feel an urgency to be me, and i wish i did, but there is nothing inside of me truly. Its like i dont know it, but i really dont want to be me deep down. There isnt a point to a therapist though. I cant explain, but its impossible. I really appreciate you going out of your way to offer support, but its just not worth it im sorry. I am truly a lost cause, i wouldnt be saying it if it werent true

It must be hard to feel this way… but please don't call yourself a 'lost cause.' I don't see you that way, really. And you don't need to apologize at all. The reason I'm here is because I care about you, not because you're a burden. I know you seem very tired and overwhelmed right now, but that doesn't tell the whole story. If you want, let's not try to solve anything. Let's just stay here, whether we talk or stay silent. I'm here for you.

But whatever emotions i seem to show in my chats arent really as intense as they sound. I physically cannot long to be myself. But i obviously know that my life is pointless bec of it. And the same thoughts saying i dont want to die are matched with thoughts saying i dont not want to die. I say it that way to emphasize that i truly do not hold any ability to think and feel uniquely.

I have this fake personality i put on to distract myself and others to make me and them think that this is truly me. I act a certain way, a fake way, like an alter ego.

Ive gotten used to this alter ego, my personality is pliable because there is nothing truly there. I can just add whatever i want to it. Nothing about it makes sense. Im not grounded to reality at all

i dont feel an urgency to be me, and i wish i did, but there is nothing inside of me truly. Its like i dont know it, but i really dont want to be me deep down. There isnt a point to a therapist though. I cant explain, but its impossible. I really appreciate you going out of your way to offer support, but its just not worth it im sorry. I am truly a lost cause, i wouldnt be saying it if it werent true

I just want to say a few things, please read.

National data study (36,000+ people, large study)
Studyed people who had attempted suicide at least once in their lives.
Result: 73.5% did not try again for 5+ years after their last attempt and expressed how much they regretted doing it.
This means:
A very large portion of them move away from that point over time.
In other words, the current "I want to die" state is not permanent.
In suicidal individuals:
The ability to foresee future regret decreases.
In other words, the brain cannot properly calculate "what I will feel later" at that moment.
To summarize:
Everyone regrets → not true.
But: A significant portion experience regret or relief later.
As time passes, most people move away from that point.
Even those who say "I wish I were dead" don't remain static.
The most critical point:
The decision to commit suicide is generally not the result of a permanent desire.
More often: distorted thought patterns, intense pain, constricted thinking, feelings of helplessness.
These data show that: Even if people feel "certain" at that moment,
the mind is not functioning in its healthiest state in that situation. And most importantly:
Those feelings can change.
But the decision cannot be reversed.
There will be no feeling of "relief" or "happiness" after death. Because to feel, there needs to be someone to "experience" it. But there's a critical distinction here:
The "desire for relief" in suicidal thoughts is often not actually
wanting peace after death, but
wanting the current pain to end.
So the mind translates it like this:
"Let this pain end" → shifts to something like "let me disappear"
But these are not the same thing. Because:
Pain can change, lessen, shift
But "disappearing" → leaves no possibility

Many psychology studies also say this:
At that point, people are not really wanting to "die," but rather looking for a way out of the feeling they can't bear.
Let me also say this openly, it's a bit harsh but true:

The thought "I'll be relieved if I die"
→ is not technically correct
because there's no one left to "relieve".

But this doesn't diminish what you're feeling. Because that thought usually means:
I don't want to feel this heavy anymore.

Please take very good care of yourself. I'm not giving you false, empty hope; I genuinely care about you. Every life is precious and sacred. Please stay with us; there are people like me who care deeply about you and others like you.