grimfox
product of a broken home
- Jul 7, 2023
- 2
I am depressed and socially anxious since I was 9. Relentless bullying, mental and physical abuse really took a number on me, sounds pathetic, I know. Getting beaten up by my peers or shouted at by them or pushed by my teachers for not answering fearing I would say something idiotic were every day things back then. My language teacher snapped my pen in half because I was afraid to answer her question in front of the whole class in grade 5 or 6. I spent my schooldays sitting at the back of class thinking and daydreaming about a better situation yet people singled me out for shits and giggles I guess. When they didn't make fun of me as a person they targeted my obvious mental Health issues. I get it, I used to put a massive target on my back for people to exploit and laugh at - which is, and was my fault whether I like it or not - it's like these people felt like it's their duty to fuck my days up even more for God knows why. And this is all I remember from that part of my life. I know a lot more has happened but I just can't remember. All I feel is pain when I try to sum these barely existing memories up.
I Never had anyone in my life who I could talk to about my feelings our thoughts in general, ever. My mother dismissed my feelings most of the time or simply told me to bottle them up since nothing can help me anyway. My personal favorite line of hers was "I've been through a hell of a lot worse than you, kid." Which is kinda true. She had it worse than me when she was young. My semen donor left me and my mom before I turned 1. He chose the alcohol over us. I guess he knew (or guessed, I dunno) that I was a lost cause the moment I was born so he left a bit later. I contacted him here and there, I don't even know why. I knew all along I'm probably bothering him - or he simply doesn't care - by reaching out and I stopped after a while. It's been a few years since we talked when I realized a phone works both ways but he never bothered to text me or give me a call. He promised he would but I guess he forgot or simply didn't care.
And this sums up a few things that still haunt and bother me to this day. I hate it so fucking much here. I've been planning to end it all but I don't have the balls to actually do it yet, and I honestly don't know why. There's nothing for me to live for, I'm just existing without a cause rotting in bed when I can or daydreaming when I have to go out for a reason or another. Sorry for my meaningless rambling and thanks for reading
I Never had anyone in my life who I could talk to about my feelings our thoughts in general, ever. My mother dismissed my feelings most of the time or simply told me to bottle them up since nothing can help me anyway. My personal favorite line of hers was "I've been through a hell of a lot worse than you, kid." Which is kinda true. She had it worse than me when she was young. My semen donor left me and my mom before I turned 1. He chose the alcohol over us. I guess he knew (or guessed, I dunno) that I was a lost cause the moment I was born so he left a bit later. I contacted him here and there, I don't even know why. I knew all along I'm probably bothering him - or he simply doesn't care - by reaching out and I stopped after a while. It's been a few years since we talked when I realized a phone works both ways but he never bothered to text me or give me a call. He promised he would but I guess he forgot or simply didn't care.
And this sums up a few things that still haunt and bother me to this day. I hate it so fucking much here. I've been planning to end it all but I don't have the balls to actually do it yet, and I honestly don't know why. There's nothing for me to live for, I'm just existing without a cause rotting in bed when I can or daydreaming when I have to go out for a reason or another. Sorry for my meaningless rambling and thanks for reading
