Venting I don’t know what I want.

[Rugnificent]

I don't know what I want. I can't imagine myself happy no matter what. I have a lot ahead of me, my adult life has just started. I see no point in wasting a potentially good life, but at the same time I'm not sure if I would be happy. I figured why not keep going, the most I've got to lose is my life, which I'd lose anyways if I committed. But the longer I go the more I realize how unwanted I am in everyone's life. For 12 years I've been a nuisance. I want to cease existing, I want to stop hurting, I want to end it but at the same time I want to love, I want to have friends, I want a future. I don't see any of that happening, not now or ever. Every time I get close to something that makes me happy it gets ripped from me for outside reasons. No matter what I do or how i plan or how I act or how much I give them gift and or money wise it never works. I'm unfucking like able. I sometimes use the tourniquet or partial hanging to almost knock myself out and each time I have to stop myself from letting my vision go completely black. I feel a huge sense of relief when I do it, and regret when I stop. My survival instinct isn't really there as much. I'm just so fucking lost guys, fuck. :(

 

[pole]

I know how you feel. To expect, but to not recieve. To want, but to not get. My biggest mistakes were expecting good things to happen, expecting happiness, to want someone, to love someone. Wanting and expecting led to my heartbreak really.

But it's different for everyone. Maybe you just haven't gotten a taste of it yet because it isn't the right time for you, maybe there's a better time for you coming soon? Maybe a change of scenario will help. You want to CTB, but you also want to live and love. A part of you doesn't wanna let yourself succumb to death, but live and feel what others feel, to be loved and to give love, to live; it seems cheesy, but just keep fighting. Good awaits. If you ever need anyone to talk to, im always here. Ventings a great way, just getting everything off your damn chest helps immensely, instead of holding it in.

 

[262653]

I sometimes use the tourniquet or partial hanging to almost knock myself out and each time I have to stop myself from letting my vision go completely black. I feel a huge sense of relief when I do it, and regret when I stop. My survival instinct isn't really there as much.

Why do you feel relieved from strangling yourself?

 

[SinisterKid]

You will never get the chance to taste any of the things you mention if you are dead. So whenever there is doubt in your mind, do nothing. You need to be certain that you wish to die and exit this life.

Happiness and satisfaction, like most things in this life are not given, you need to go and find them because everyones definition of happiness and what satisfies them is different. If you want to love and be loved, you need to find someone to share that with and you cant do that, if like me, you sit all day in your room posting crap on forums. But then, I am great at giving advice but not great at taking my own.

I hope that whatever happens, you manage to find some peace.

 

[pole]

Why do you feel relieved from strangling yourself?

Same way as people do when they cut themselves or endure some sort of pain through an action of some sort; physical acts such as cutting to mental acts such as eating disorders and drowning in sadness and sorrow. Cutting and the pain you feel. The pain you feel from physical acts diffuses the negative emotion that you're feeling and theres a calm and relief, a sense of release of pressure. Which is why its so addictive. Same with purging, when people have eating disorders. Maybe the person feels that way through a strangulation method, to know you can knock yourself out and be away and gone temporarily from you're sad reality and life, and away from your emotions and pain your feeling just by doing this little method. And doing so just gives you that sigh of relief.