Venting Regret making pact with my sister and don’t know what to do

[hopeless08]

Hey guys, I haven't posted anything in while, haven't had the strength. You know those times where you're in so much emotional pain that it's hard to breathe and can't Munster the strength to get a word out, that's how I've been.
I'm in a lot of pain and just need to vent I'm so sensitive I can't stop crying.
I've posted a thread about my suicide pact with my sister for those who read it,
this is where I'm at right now.
We had originally said when we have the method and the pain is too much we'll do it but now sometimes when she's in excruciating physical pain she tells me please let's just do it now but when her pains subside she doesn't really talk about it and I don't want to force the issue/ decision on her, I feel like I'm applying pressure on her and I feel absolutely horrible for that.
Today I brought the discussion up with her and she told me that she wants to wait until my mom passes and I didn't really know what to say because as much as I agree with her I absolutely don't want to make my mom who loves us so incredibly much, suffer the agony that she will for sure be in, actually knowing my mom I don't think she'll survive it , meaning that upon hearing the news I think her heart will stop. Omg it's killing me just thinking about it, I'm hurting so bad right now. I feel like I've gotten myself into such a mess, I can't leave my sister behind cause we're very close and the thought of what she will feel even for one second if I were to go is unbelievably painful to me and sane with my mom.
But the thing is this is another issue as crazy as this may sound and extremely selfish, I will not be able to stand one minute of the pain I'll feel when my mother passes. I won't be able to stand it just thinking about her passing scares the hell out of me so in a way I say to myself I have to pass before she does cause I don't want to be around to see that.
However if I pass she's going to go through that same pain and again the thought kills me. I know it's very selfish but firstly I don't think I can bear my pain until then and I also don't want to be around for her passing. I don't know if I'm making any sense at all cause I'm just a mess right now. So now I have to think about my sister not being ready and the immense pain she'll feel if I go but it seems like she's kind of backing out.
I understand her 1000% cause I feel the same way not wanting to put my mom through not only losing one daughter but 2 at the same time. We are her life but guys I'm in so much pain I just want to go and I'm feeling so many mixed emotions, and facing so many obstacles I can't even think straight. I don't know what the hell to do I just really really want to go, it hurts to breathe and makes it so much more difficult to have this feeling of pressure that I'm putting on myself. I really don't know what to do. I wish they didn't love me so much so I could go without making them suffer it would be so much easier.
I know it's an extremely complicated situation but any words of advice I would really appreciate it and just having you guys listen to me and read this will help me. I need to let everything out.
I'm sorry you guys I don't want to be annoying but I'm suffering so much, feel so alone and wanted to post this just for you guys to listen

 

[Tobacco]

I'm very sorry. I wish I could advice something but I'm appalled by the ammount of suffering that exists in this world.

Probably I will have to ctb soon if it's true that I'm getting dementia. I haven't told my psychiatrist but I've been forgetting more stuff these last 6 months. He tried to comfort me before and tell me it's normal but it's been getting worse and I'm really scared that I'll have to choose a method like jumping or hanging.

 

[allthatimsaying]

I would recommend doing it as soon as you're ready, even if your mother is still alive.
It's your pain and only you know how long you can endure it.

You should only care that much for what comes after your death if that doesn't affect your state of being now.
But it's affecting. As you say, you're in so much pain now, and can't take it any longer.
If you were in a relatively good mental state, you could plan it so that your mother wouldn't feel very much, but that's not the case.

Prioritize you. You seem like a good person, and you shouldn't deserve to pass on any of this.

 

[Linda]

Making a pact just complicates things. It's probably better if you and your sister make your decisions independently.

 

[hopeless08]

I'm very sorry. I wish I could advice something but I'm appalled by the ammount of suffering that exists in this world.

Probably I will have to ctb soon if it's true that I'm getting dementia. I haven't told my psychiatrist but I've been forgetting more stuff these last 6 months. He tried to comfort me before and tell me it's normal but it's been getting worse and I'm really scared that I'll have to choose a method like jumping or hanging.

Thank you, why don't you get procedures done to determine if you do have dementia, I looked it up and I there are various testing procedures that will determine it because now you're suffering and thinking about ctb and you might not have it, I'm sure knowing that will change everything for you.

 

[Unicr0n]

Thank you, why don't you get procedures done to determine if you do have dementia, I looked it up and I there are various testing procedures that will determine it because now you're suffering and thinking about ctb and you might not have it, I'm sure knowing that will change everything for you.

Yes. It is imperative that you get an official diagnosis of dementia rather than you thinking you have worsening memory [which could be due to getting older... even I'm forgetting more and I'm not even halfway through life].

 

[FireFox]

I'm very sorry. I wish I could advice something but I'm appalled by the ammount of suffering that exists in this world.

Probably I will have to ctb soon if it's true that I'm getting dementia. I haven't told my psychiatrist but I've been forgetting more stuff these last 6 months. He tried to comfort me before and tell me it's normal but it's been getting worse and I'm really scared that I'll have to choose a method like jumping or hanging.

@Tobacco Forgetting things can also be caused by other illnesses ie Undiagnosed brain tumour, Multiple Scleorsis or a neurological condition of some kind.

Get a diagnosis first to confirm if you do have dementia.

I wish you well and hope you peace.

 

[divinemistress36]

Depression causes memory loss . If your depression is getting worse your memory and cognitive skills will also get worse

 

[Umua]

Ooh that's bad