Venting I don’t know how much more I can take.

[AkaRed]

So I just got an opportunity recently— but it means I have to wait until Feburary next year to CTB. BUT I will be home alone for the entire month, which is an entire month I can mentally prepare, practice and enact without any worry of anyone stopping me.

But it's so fucking far away.

I genuinely don't know how many more days I can fucking take of waking up, working, going home, being alone, sleeping, and then repeating. It's too much.

I feel a constant weight in my chest, and can bring myself into a breakdown instantly if I just sliiightly think about reality.
Sometimes it happens and it's completely subconscious.

I have literally no reason left to be here— like actually nothing.

I have nobody around me and I am completely and utterly alone. I can't fucking do this anymore.

Nothing has ever come of me trying to improve. Anything that happens leaves quicker than it comes, and I am left alone again for months- even years- with nothing.

I'm isolated physically in my area, I have no friends, I have nothing to do and nowhere to go.

Therapy is just a fucking joke so I won't even bother with that again :/

I think my nightmare scenario is failing and being put in a ward. That's going to be an absolute shitstorm.
That or continuing this useless existence.

Not even my ED is bringing me goddamn comfort right now I think I just really want to get this over and done with— but I've got to arrange things first. ;;

Anyways if anyone's secretly an assassin I am a free kill I would pay anyone to shoot me through the eye please please please please

<3

 

[TotallyTerrible]

you're not alone in any of those feelings, it's unbearable but, i don't have the motivation resources or even the courage right now to make it happen... you just have to have hope thatthe actions outside your own mind have meaning, and that you can reach freedom if you really work for it, i don't know, that's just how I rationalize things

 

[Dark-Knight]

I don't think I can take much of this life anymore, I've had enough, I'm tired of everything. If I knew exactly how to kill myself so that I have a fast death and I don't survive then I would have probably killed myself by now but many methods are either complicated for me, hard to access or painful and risky

 

[AkaRed]

literally like can it be done already I dont want to be here

 

[DEATH IS FREEDOM]

I am pretty much in the same situation. If it is only temporary does not really matter but if it is permanent, everything changes. If someone is young and healthy, things can get better, but if someone is old and chronically sick, things will be the other way around.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand feeling so tired of suffering in this cruel existence, I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for as I get that it's so dreadful feeling trapped here when you just wish to be gone.

 

[AkaRed]

I am pretty much in the same situation. If it is only temporary does not really matter but if it is permanent, everything changes. If someone is young and healthy, things can get better, but if someone is old and chronically sick, things will be the other way around.

Even if I'm in the "young and healthy" category, it doesn't make life any more worth living. Nothing has gone well, and it's all come to a complete halt. I've waited long enough and honestly there isn't any escape.

Any moments of hope of change that I've had only have three ends:

(a) disaster
(b) dwindling away regardless of the effort
(c) not working out to begin with

There really is nothing that can be done.

<3