Venting i don't know how to relax when i feel constantly stressed out and in a bad mood

[eggsausagerice]

some days my chest feels tight and like i have to be quiet to avoid saying something passive aggressive or mean because i can't control how bad of a mood i'm in. i flip between grindr, shopping apps, discord, playing games and listening to youtube for hours to try to dissociate. it's hard to shake the fear and dread of knowing that i'm going to do it.

the person that brought me the most comfort started making me so stressed i felt suicidal because all i wanted was to be around him. he's not in my life anymore, so i guess i feel anxious and scared trying to navigate my last days knowing i can't text him even though i always thought he pitied me for having no friends and no job. i'm just nervous that i might hurt the remaining people in my life because i'm always on edge and afraid everyone hates me.

i don't know what to do with the feeling/thought that i need to stay quiet in order to not cause problems with others. i don't want to talk about my depression and i just want to seem normal to others even if i can't hide when i'm not in a good mood. i think being a buzzkill may be worse than being dead. i feel embarrassed that i can't mask well compared to others. i can't stop frowning. i want to seem happier so that people like me and don't leave me by myself. the anxiety makes me restless and too tired to want to move from my bed or chair. i stopped wanting to jerk off because that honestly makes my anxiety worse. i feel like no one's going to want to be around me anymore if i'm always anxious.

 

[crimsonpeaked]

I have several bad habits (gore seeking, jerking off to porn, self harm) that I turn to when in situations like these.
I recommend just doing whatever it is you need to do to shut the noise out. Get away from them. They might be friends* or they are family, doesn't matter. If your head is consistently being clamoured with thoughts about OPINIONS; They are useless opinions . . .
They are poignant like needles until there become too many of them they are as dull as pressing your hand upon a bundle of toothpicks... No Point Whatsoever...

So get AWAY from those who have caused you Emotional and Mental damage they are NOT WORTHY of your attention.
This is what has helped me. Now, in the moment it does not matter of course. When I get overwhelmed, nothing I ACTUALLY want to do Like Games, Drawing, Music seems to do diddly squat for my Brain..

However; In retrospect each and everytime, I find that no matter what vice I turn to, the sooner I'm out of the shithole those people have created for me, the better! So that's my 2'Cents if it is of any use Remember This: "Those are their opinions, Not Mine, I do not need to Stab/Stick/Prick myself with their nonsense any longer!" & Bless You You Always Deserve More Than Better, You Deserve Best! Peace Surround You!