Help I dont know how Im going to survive until my sister's wedding

[Maormer]

ive been seriously considering suicide for a few months, at this point i think i actually will be attempting to CTB. The issue is that my sister just got proposed to. Ive always made it a top priority for any plan to hurt as few people as possible, and this threw a wrench in that idea. She asked me to be a brides maid for her, and i really do love my sister, she's a great person and im really happy for her. If i kill myself now her wedding will be tainted by my absence. I cant have people thinking about her dead sister on her wedding day. I cant even do it the day after because i dont want her anniversary to become associated with my passing. If I wait two months so the dates are far apart and not close to any important annual events for my loved ones that means i need to survive until at least May 11th.

Over a year, i need to survive for over a year. I dont know how to do it. Im crying constantly, im not eating, im not sleeping, my derealization issues are back, im not taking care of my health, my grades are awful, and last night i learned that if you cry hard enough youll vomit, so thats fun. I cant keep living like this I keep thinking "why not just do it tonight, why wait?" The urge to just grab a rope and do it is so strong. I keep talking myself down "you havent written a note left, who would find you? do you think theyd be able to handle that? what about your dog? you should at least clean your room first." but i cant do this every night. it will kill me. I dont want to ruin my sister's wedding but i dont know how to survive that long

 

[Subhumano]

Just endure it, Im waiting a few years too for a few things to happen first so I dont hurt my mother so much

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I know how you feel. Have you tried any meds for depression?

 

[stormrOzzy]

Does your sister know about the situation you are going through? My sister is my biggest source of energy to keep me in this world and I am hers, we are only here because of our friendship, she doesn't give up and neither do I, because we know that if one goes the other will and that will sink the entire family.

 

[Maormer]

I know how you feel. Have you tried any meds for depression?

i have used prozac, Lexapro, mirtazapine, and there was a 4th one but i dont remember because it was years ago when i was little. mirtazapine was the best not because it was effective but because it was th e only one with out negative side effects, plus it was good for my appetite and sleep. Even so i still had an attempt on it. I like mirtazapine best tho

Does your sister know about the situation you are going through? My sister is my biggest source of energy to keep me in this world and I am hers, we are only here because of our friendship, she doesn't give up and neither do I, because we know that if one goes the other will and that will sink the entire family.

she knows im prone to mental illness but i do not want her to know the full extent of my condition, she would worry too much and i dont want her to be anxious about me when she has more important things going on.

 

[bankai]

Trust me, it isn't easy. Survival instinct is very strong. I've put that noose around my neck multiple Times Now and the terror I feel is overwhelming.I'm not sure if you've actually been in that position, but Yeah, it ain't easy.It's a hard thing to overcome. it's going to take a lot of determination and guts.