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viljalauss

viljalauss

he/they 21
Aug 22, 2023
167
and kinda resent it a little. which is kinda rich considering it's coming from the one person that not only supports me but is so devoted to doing so.

maybe i'm just not used to the fact, and find it weird, that anyone would plan to make sure i live, while not only not treating my ctb as a close option, but also not as an option at all. and i appreciate it and love him so so dearly independent of this in ways that mean if i have to stay alive it would be forever with him. but )): not having ctb as an option is so scary ): and i honestly think the date i'd planned would be a good time. straight after exams but before results, so i don't have to be around to see when/if my family learn i've failed (even like 2:2 or below.. it's looking very, very likely :/ ). not having to say i'm not moving back home and deal with the fallout. never having to come out to my parents again and break them again. i don't know what difference it makes ctbing on the date i planned and waiting to move in with him, which while it would be so so beautiful i would still have to come out to my parents eventually and the real, real risk of hurting them irreparably will never change, not a month, not a year down the line. i can't even 'compromise' by not trying medical transition because i really need top surgery and that's hard to hide. i really do say the same thing all the time ad nauseam but that doesn't stop it being true and it's what i keep ruminating on and i don't deserve to kill them (real risk btw) to be 'happy' (transitioning fully really would make me happy i think but alongside that there are things i need to recover from. and doing that is expensive and i don't deserve it), and for something that does feel like a shot in the dark sometimes (even though i can see how much good social transition does, from itself and from the effects of its inverse).

i wasn't meant to get this far and i don't really have any aspirations, maybe never will. almost anything i could do to make things better - therapy, trans surgery, even just living away from my parents - costs recurring or immense amounts of money, or both. it is not just feeling like a burden - i demonstrably am and it seems like i have to be just to keep myself afloat, without being able to give back to anyone. i don't want that.

and again i feel like i have no real viable option past that date (minus, say, in the same week but yea). like, my bf and i live with friends right now (and of course i have booked a hotel room) - after we've moved away from there together, how could i in good conscience ctb when those friends (or probably most people we know) are not physically present? how will i with good conscience carry the sn with me along with the other things i need to pack (not to mention unpack it and hide it somewhere discreet)? how will i with good conscience ctb after my bf getting me through this time is just for a moment able to rest and think that the worst is over? not a single person has found it easy to love me, and i see why.

i think for a while i really did think that, with all the thought i have put into ctb up to now, it was still a sort of last resort. i don't know if that's true anymore ): but in any case it was always a preventative measure for a future with horrors i don't want to fathom, and if people don't get that that future is inevitable, we lose touch and maybe they lose sympathy. but that's another reason why i should ctb that early. before my bf realises he has given me everything he can and i'm still not better.

idk where i was going with this <3 i just. have realised i genuinely do trust in the date i chose to ctb but now it feels like i don't have the right to anymore. and it's quite uncomfortable.

ok gonna go finally do the task i was putting off for 2 hours
 
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