Venting I don't even know what I want out of life anymore

[scary]

I don't think I had any true goals in life for what I wanted to do. I liked drawing when I was younger, sure, but I never thought it would get me anywhere. It was just a hobby, a hobby that distracted me from all the things that were happening in my life. All of my memories are of me wanting a way out, whether it be a way out of my life into something better or suicide.

I fantasized about typical things, having my own house and being married, now I don't really care about anything. I'm apathetic over every damn thing and I don't even know if I want to die at this point. It would be ideal because I know the things I used to want are out of reach, but sometimes deep down a little part of me wishes things could be better, that I didn't have to resort to this. Would things even be better if I died? part of me wants reincarnation, the other part wants complete peace and nothingness.

I used to think having a partner would fix all of this, but now that I really think about it it most likely won't. I was very much the type where I thought having someone who'd just sweep me off me feet would fix me, fix everything about my life and that I'd finally be happy. I'd have someone who loves me after all, and isn't that a good indication that life is going well? Maybe in another life I'll finally be happy

I bought a sketchbook online, because some part in me thinks I'll get back into drawing (maybe because of boredom). I haven't done so in years and I know that if I don't get back into it ill just feel the guilt of using what little money I have on meaningless things instead of something that will kill me. Why buy that crap when I could've just bought a rope by now? I'm still waiting for it to ship but I hope I have a bit of motivation to draw something, even if its just sketches, something to take my mind off all of this. I'm tired of my brain being a maelstrom.

 

[difficvltmachineryy]

Last year february i also bought a sketchbook, i think it was the last year i felt somewhat motivated and happy about life, then autumn came, my grandma died and now i wanna die too. I dont want reincarnation, i fully wholeheartedly belive death is like your life before being born. Nothingness is better than suffering over and over again. Hope u find peace ❤

 

[SoverignDreamer97]

The only thing I desire is rest, which isn't found here.

But whatever the case, Suncha Ferriera from the Victus Group always said, "you cannot please everyone; control the things you can control, one step at a time."

And so, I will have my rest.