eggsausagerice
last chance for cake!
- Apr 21, 2025
- 1,235
the issue is how hard it is to die. naturally, i'm going to be risk adverse because i don't want to become disabled or get caught and sent to a psych ward, then make my parents pay 700 out of pocket again. i pretty much wanted to kill myself all over again looking at the price.
it just feels burdensome to know that i can't just hang myself/jump off a bridge/slash my wrists/take pills in a super impulsive way because while doing these things can kill you, some are more effective and there's a risk of survival for all of them if you do them wrong. cutting just can't work as a method because you need to hit an artery and they're under a bunch of muscle and tissue. pills just damage your organs. hanging and jumping are more serious methods but you can back out of them at any time. i only just started researching jumping today since i picked a bridge, but knowing i'd have to walk to the highest point of the bridge while up against the guard rail made me realize that it's actually pretty hard to do. i can't just say, "i'm going to kill myself" and then be dead tonight or dead tomorrow. things aren't that easy. i wish it was easy.
i'm the only one that can make sure i die before january. everyone will keep on making excuses for me, saying i'm too young, that i can see if things get better next year, but i just don't care. i just don't care if my life gets better, because i want to be dead. i want to keep making progress towards me dying but the only thing i can work on is getting my license. whenever i wake up in the middle of the night or before bed i just think about how this could be the last night i'm alive and i wouldn't mind at all. death is the only thing that's certain. i'm scared of how i can't determine anything else in my life happening. i always feel like i'm screwing everything up. i'm tired of fighting the good fight because i think i lose by existing. it doesn't feel good to wake up, search for meaning, and find nothing besides your phone and your laptop.
it just feels burdensome to know that i can't just hang myself/jump off a bridge/slash my wrists/take pills in a super impulsive way because while doing these things can kill you, some are more effective and there's a risk of survival for all of them if you do them wrong. cutting just can't work as a method because you need to hit an artery and they're under a bunch of muscle and tissue. pills just damage your organs. hanging and jumping are more serious methods but you can back out of them at any time. i only just started researching jumping today since i picked a bridge, but knowing i'd have to walk to the highest point of the bridge while up against the guard rail made me realize that it's actually pretty hard to do. i can't just say, "i'm going to kill myself" and then be dead tonight or dead tomorrow. things aren't that easy. i wish it was easy.
i'm the only one that can make sure i die before january. everyone will keep on making excuses for me, saying i'm too young, that i can see if things get better next year, but i just don't care. i just don't care if my life gets better, because i want to be dead. i want to keep making progress towards me dying but the only thing i can work on is getting my license. whenever i wake up in the middle of the night or before bed i just think about how this could be the last night i'm alive and i wouldn't mind at all. death is the only thing that's certain. i'm scared of how i can't determine anything else in my life happening. i always feel like i'm screwing everything up. i'm tired of fighting the good fight because i think i lose by existing. it doesn't feel good to wake up, search for meaning, and find nothing besides your phone and your laptop.
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