Venting I deserve to die

[restingplace]

I hate myself so much, my ed is getting worse, as is self harm and it my depression doesn't seem to be getting any better either. Today itself is a really hard day, I haven't really talked about this anywhere especially not anywhere online but I lost someone I loved on this day a few years back and I haven't coped well with it at all, the pain still feels just as bad and I can't continue to live with it, the pain is constant. I also hurt my best friends and girlfriend because of my ctb attempt, my best friends found me and my girlfriend got told the details a day after. They're all hurting so much and traumatised because of me, that further proves why I should just do it again but this time with SN or something. I will never forgive myself for what I did to the people I love most, I'm not sure if they'll see this, I'm hoping not because I promised them I'd leave sasu. It hurts being on here sometimes because it helps me communicate my thoughts but I don't want to encourage others.

i honestly believe it'll be a matter of time before i try again, i have extremely strong chemicals in the house so i guess we'll see how that goes

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry you are suffering so much. I wish you could be kinder to yourself though. It isn't exactly your fault that life became so overwhelming that you felt you couldn't cope with it anymore.

I don't think you should hate yourself for hurting. It's natural to feel hurt about things in life. Sadly, we can end up adopting less than helpful coping mechanisms that then become compulsions that are in themselves, very hard to then break but again, I wish you could be kinder to yourself. I think the path to things like eating disorders and self harm isn't exactly a willing and happy lifestyle choice.

As to death being deserved, I'd say more that we all deserve it as a reward rather than a punishment. We all deserve to achieve peace and I think a lot of us can't see any other way- sadly. I hate to say it and don't mean to guilt trip you but I doubt it's something other people think you deserve as a punishment. You may have hurt them but I suspect on some level, they do sympathise with you.

I have to respect your decision- like anyone here but, please don't do something that would likely make things even worse for yourself. I would definitely recommend researching a method before trying it. I don't know how reliable household chemicals are. I hope you get through this period and make peace with whatever decision you come to.

 

[Ash]

I'm so sorry that you're in so much pain but please, don't do anything with the household products. You'll just end up extremely unwell, possibly cause long term damage, and make your situation worse.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

First of all neither you nor anybody else deserves to die. It's the circumstances that drive someone to suicide when no other options can solve a personal problem.

It hurts being on here sometimes because it helps me communicate my thoughts but I don't want to encourage others.

You can communicate here with others and exchange your thoughts without encouraging anyone! That's the nature of SaSu it's a place for everyone to speak and discuss freely about personal issues that can't be discussed with most other out there.

Feel free to vent more if u want to, or PM if you prefer that