Venting i cut myself for the first time saturday

[Leonard_Bangley39]

i sas scrolling through discord at night and all of a sudden something just triggered an episode and my head started flooding with tons of dark thoughts about what im going to do in my future and all the shit ive done and how much i hate myself to the point that i ended up self harming for the first time.

I grabbed one of the cheap disposable razors i keep in my nightstand for shaving, took it into the bathroom with me, ripped it open, took out one of the razors and cut myself on my left forearm probably over a dozen times.

at first i was kinda scared and hesitant, but after a few lines i just kept going. i didnt go too deep, just enough for a little beads of blood to show up in each line. it stung at first, but it also felt really calming. it was kinda like it grounded me in the situation right then and there.

after that i dabbed my arm with some toilet paper, rinsed it in the sink, changed into a long sleeve shirt and crawled into bed and started scrolling discord. shortly after that i ended up crashing out and having another episode in my server and falling asleep.

the next night on sunday, i cut myself again in the bathroom. i was a little less hesitant than last time. i had already felt what it felt like so i wasnt scared. if anything, i focused on the stinging and it calmed me down again.

earlier today i was scrolling discord after avoiding it a bit and i got hit with another wave of self loathing. i reeeeeally want to cut myself right now but i left my razor in my dorm room and i cant go back there until class is over at the end of the day.

i fucking hate this, i cant stand it. as soon as i get back to my room im cutting myself and then im hiding the razor in my phone case so i can cut tomorrow too.

 

[Leonard_Bangley39]

i don't know why but i like looking at and feeling an the red cut lines on my left arm.

 

[deeprootdisease]

im really sorry you're going through this, i really hope it gets better.
the cicle of sh is terrible the more you do it the worse pain you want to cause you start with superficial ones then suddenly you're hitting the fat layer causally just like that.

 

[Riven]

ive been cutting for a while. i definitely love how it looks and feels, it helps me a lot(especially now that ive lost access to alcohol). its probably best if you dont cut, but if you continue to do so i have some tips. id recommend not using TP for cleaning wounds, it leaves a lot of little pieces. Try paper towels, thats what i use. Also if you can its a good idea to sanitize blades (i use isopropyl alcohol) to prevent infection, it just causes more itchiness and discomfort. bandages are also helpful if you cut deep enough that it starts bleeding when walking around or whatever (i cut on my legs so thats something i have to deal with a lot).

 

[Leonard_Bangley39]

I just got back to my dorm room maybe half an hour ago and as soon as i set my stuff down i grabbed my razor and cut myself again in the bathroom.i did maybe a dozen lines on my left forearm, maybe more. there were tons of little droplets of blood beading up pretty quickly. i feel slightly better. i like the initial sting when i cut, its something i can just focus on in the moment. and i like the lingering sting afterwards too, whenever i stretch or move my arm and i can still feel it. it almost grounds me in the moment and helps me forget about things. i like looking at it too. after i cut a few times i like to just sit there and stare at it, all the red lines and beads of blood. its such a weird sight, not something i thought i would ever see in real life, on myself no less. its hard to describe my thoughts in that moment. mostly just things like, this is real. this moment right now is real, this is what my life is right now. this blood is mine.

 

[woofwag]

Welcome to the life of self-harm. With the amount you've already done it, I'm sorry to say that it'll likely take a while to quit. Me personally, I've found a way to balance it out where I only cut one massive cut every 3-6 months. You do what you gotta do to survive those episodes. I'm sorry you felt the need to do this. I truly hope things can feel better for you