Venting I crave physical affection

[iw2begone]

But I'm scared of it now. I have been taken advantage of many times - because I'm weak. I don't stand up for myself properly, and I trust too much that the other person is safe, and then they aren't. It's my fault, I don't set clear enough boundaries, but I also just want to be cuddled or hugged. I want my hair stroked, with unconditional love, where there is no ulterior motive. Someone with kind eyes and gentle hands.

I crave it, but in my life experience so far, my relationships and my friends, I was unable to feel that for long, if at all, before it went wrong. Surviving the day to day is so hard, I'm finding it so difficult to do this on my own, and I don't think I can for much longer. I've been on my limit for gosh knows how long now.

 

[SilentVelvet]

I think everyone longs for that, but unfortunately, most people don't really have the best intentions

 

[whorror]

It's only natural to want to be loved and cared for. I'm also on the naive side as I don't generally go out there thinking that people are there to hurt me, but it happens more often than not so I get your feeling.

We need to find our own people, but how and where? And when?

 

[iw2begone]

It's only natural to want to be loved and cared for. I'm also on the naive side as I don't generally go out there thinking that people are there to hurt me, but it happens more often than not so I get your feeling.

We need to find our own people, but how and where? And when?

If I had the answer I would share, it really feels impossible. Part of why I feel like I will CTB soon is not because I don't think I can be happy - it's that I've lost the motivation to keep trying for it. I've been let down so many times, and doing one last push feels immensely out of reach.

I like to believe most people do have good intentions at heart, and that way more people than we think struggle at how to communicate them. We are all here struggling together, and yet we get hurt by each other anyway. I can't wait to become on with the void and not feel these things anymore.

 

[avalanche.]

god i relate to this too much.
everytime i feel that i could just lay my head on their chest, they violate me so badly that i wish i never existed. i want someone to love me and for someone to care about me. i don't want to be raped forever.

 

[discernment]

I definitely relate to this a lot. I don't remember the last time I had a hug from someone. I'm traumatised from things that have happened in the past and I don't really know how to move forward from this but I crave intimacy so badly

 

[FF777]

there definitely needs to be some better way to find people that you might get along with.. all the friend-finder apps suck and so we are still left to just hope we randomly run in to people that we are compatible with.. but yeah i mean, like even if a person seems cool at first you maybe don't know what they are going to be like in all situations i guess..

lot of people have what i call "black spots" in their personality, where they might have some negative qualities (that might not be obvious at first) like maybe they pout, or lie, or get angry, or abuse you or just what ever.. and of course they aren't going to show that side of their self to you at first.. but i think you can see signs of it some times.. like if they get unnecessarily angry at the waiter in a restaurant or some thing, then that means they could get angry at you for some thing later for some thing trivial.. or you can see how they treat other people some times too..

i used to have some black spots in my personality and over time i ended up hating it.. i used to pout really bad at my friends when some thing would go wrong and i would stop talking to them for a while or do other annoying stuff back at them, but it always resulted in both of us being hurt and i finally realized "i don't want to be like this any more, this is stupid" and also thought "does EVERY person have to have stupid traits like this in their personality?!? why can't i try to be some one that doesn't have these stupid dark spots in their stupid personality and maybe i can actually try being a motherfracking decent person for once in my life", and so i slowly changed my self and now when my friends do some thing that annoys me i try to communicate with them about what it is that is bothering me instead of pouting at them and then they are wondering what they did to trigger me again..

it's also kind of lame in general how like, every one wants affection like you are talking about, but then to actually find that you have to trudge through alll these obstacles of like: finding some one, then seeing if they want a relationship, then hoping they don't have too many negative personality quirks, and hoping they are being honest about every thing, and hoping their personality clicks with your's, and so it's all kind of a big mess of hoping all of these things work out, even though both of the people want love and affection.. it's sad that it has to be complicated, but i guess it boils down to the fact that each spirit is very unique and some times it's hard to find an other soul that matches well enough to have a relationship with them i guess..

 

[iw2begone]

there definitely needs to be some better way to find people that you might get along with.. all the friend-finder apps suck and so we are still left to just hope we randomly run in to people that we are compatible with.. but yeah i mean, like even if a person seems cool at first you maybe don't know what they are going to be like in all situations i guess..

lot of people have what i call "black spots" in their personality, where they might have some negative qualities (that might not be obvious at first) like maybe they pout, or lie, or get angry, or abuse you or just what ever.. and of course they aren't going to show that side of their self to you at first.. but i think you can see signs of it some times.. like if they get unnecessarily angry at the waiter in a restaurant or some thing, then that means they could get angry at you for some thing later for some thing trivial.. or you can see how they treat other people some times too..

i used to have some black spots in my personality and over time i ended up hating it.. i used to pout really bad at my friends when some thing would go wrong and i would stop talking to them for a while or do other annoying stuff back at them, but it always resulted in both of us being hurt and i finally realized "i don't want to be like this any more, this is stupid" and also thought "does EVERY person have to have stupid traits like this in their personality?!? why can't i try to be some one that doesn't have these stupid dark spots in their stupid personality and maybe i can actually try being a motherfracking decent person for once in my life", and so i slowly changed my self and now when my friends do some thing that annoys me i try to communicate with them about what it is that is bothering me instead of pouting at them and then they are wondering what they did to trigger me again..

it's also kind of lame in general how like, every one wants affection like you are talking about, but then to actually find that you have to trudge through alll these obstacles of like: finding some one, then seeing if they want a relationship, then hoping they don't have too many negative personality quirks, and hoping they are being honest about every thing, and hoping their personality clicks with your's, and so it's all kind of a big mess of hoping all of these things work out, even though both of the people want love and affection.. it's sad that it has to be complicated, but i guess it boils down to the fact that each spirit is very unique and some times it's hard to find an other soul that matches well enough to have a relationship with them i guess..

I really don't know how people manage long term relationships, my longest one was 6 years but it felt like I was kind of just going with the motions you know? There were good parts but ultimately it was kind of just convenient.

It really is awful that we're all thrown here and suffer from black spots that conflict with one another and stop us being happy. I feel like a lot of people don't do the introspection necessary to minimise their black spots, and so you end up both suffering from them. I hate having to be responsible for other people's feelings on top of my own sometimes, it is so exhausting and means I can't feel safe around them.

 

[watergun88]

as a naive person my self, i kind of realize whats went wrong, the naiveites and ignorant killed me.

Family is the fortress we HAVE to build to protect ourself, but i was too naive or have been blind by the peaceful time, i was so naive i don't see why the need of family,
(because family mean you have to endure their 'black spot')
until the wolves and reality locks on the door, if you got no one when you fall, its over .

- For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up- Ecclesiastes 4:10

at the end of my life, i understand the ultimate weapon for all these is forgiveness, and mercy. just like Jesus's love...

please forgive me..

 

[FF777]

I really don't know how people manage long term relationships

i think some thing like long-term marriage becomes a different beast.. i think pretty much in all long-term marriage cases (maybe some times exceptions) it isn't going to feel wonderful and exciting with allure like the relationship did in the beginning years.. the relationship (to survive in to long-term marriage) has to kind of metamorph in to more like a team mentality where they are kind of working together as a team to try to make the best of their lives and every thing.. and i guess having kids might help them have an other big shared goal.. although of course the more compatible you are with some one the longer the relationship/marriage can last.. but also i think at a certain point in the marriage, even if you hypothetically get sort of tired of being with the same person for so many years/decades, you don't really have the energy or youth or time to start completely over with some one new, and so that's an other factor that keeps the marriage together..

longest i was in a relationship for was 9 years with some girl.. she was dorky and lighthearted (matches my own energy) and it was a lot of fun, but eventually in the last year of it i kind of got bored of being with her but i didn't know how to tell her that, so i just kept staying with her in the relationship.. but then like a year after that she ended up cheating with one of my "friends", and i took that as a sign that she must be getting bored of the relationship too, so when she finally told me she was dating my friend i told her like "oh okay, that's fine" and so we ended the relationship but still kept talking to each other on the internet some times until that friend decided she wasn't allowed to talk to me any more and so she obeyed him and stopped talking to me.. oh well, not my problem..

i guess i'll also say that people in general (but not always) tend to mellow out as they get older.. and so negative traits that they might have harbored in the past might have been subdued a little over time, hopefully any way..