Venting I could've done it yesterday

[lostangel]

I was so close to my jumping spot. I was right behind the barrier I could climb over. All I needed to do was leap over it. I drove 3 hours thinking this would be my last time and then I drove for 3 hours home in shame. I was kicking myself so hard when I walked away from it.

I was emotional and angry leading up to yesterday. I fully thought I was going to do it but when I got up there I felt calm, I wasn't angry or upset about the things that were making me suicidal. I felt in the moment and at peace I had no urge to jump. I think it's because I have never felt at peace or secure in a long time until I was up there I felt powerful as I could have jumped and ended everything.

Those two factors combined hindered me from jumping. I think I'm going to go up there again eventually. I haven't given up on jumping I now know what to expect. I never expected the intense winds they were very strong as in I couldn't walk forward for a second. I've been thinking on going there again but this closing my eyes and doing it.

 

[edsin78]

Good luck with your choice, I think you are right, the peace you felt i think is something I've been trying to find and the peace people find once they have secured a sure way to ctb. I wish I could drive 3 hours to an unsecure jumping spot (public accessible) (can't drive or find a spot with public access).
Pm me if you know any sure full public access and access from bus/ trains. Preferably in wisconsin or neighboring states.

 

[FuneralCry]

I really do envy and admire the courage of those who managed to ctb that way, but at least to me jumping does sound like such a difficult method to actually go through with, I think that many who succeeded were likely very desperate. But I do understand why you would feel calm at knowing that you could just end it all right there. I hope that when the time is right for you to leave, you find the freedom that you wish for.

 

[reverse03]

I was emotional and angry leading up to yesterday. I fully thought I was going to do it but when I got up there I felt calm, I wasn't angry or upset about the things that were making me suicidal. I felt in the moment and at peace I had no urge to jump. I think it's because I have never felt at peace or secure in a long time until I was up there I felt powerful as I could have jumped and ended everything.

I felt the same when I went to Niagara falls for my plan to jump. The incredible peace and power when you know can do it there and finished it all. It is an incredible feeling. I can clearly see how powerful the water and the wind is. I can say that it is really beautiful. But SI kicked in and mind played a trick again saying I still have hope even though it is a false hope. Back out at that moment and now felt more down and suicidal. But I still believe a moment will come for us to have the full courage to end it all.

 

[edsin78]

I think of jumping like a one action method. It's the hardest because there is no return but the easiest because there is no return. I would definitely entertain other options if I had any, but as this is becoming my only option, I would welcome the peace of knowing where I can have a sure unobstructed jump as you have.

I really do envy and admire the courage of those who managed to ctb that way, but at least to me jumping does sound like such a difficult method to actually go through with, I think that many who succeeded were likely very desperate. But I do understand why you would feel calm at knowing that you could just end it all right there. I hope that when the time is right for you to leave, you find the freedom that you wish for.