I could be saved and nobody's willing to do it.

[brassicasaur]

Since last time I posted on here, I had attempted to tie off my testicles with an elastrator band. Long story short, it was too painful, I was taken to the emergency room, and the doctors cut the bands off my testicles. No lasting damage.
Afterwards, I went out and tried to buy some scissors. My mum called the police on me. They took me to a mental hospital, where I was sectioned for two weeks. Nurses there were lovely. It was absolutely fine.

One thing nobody acknowledges is the why. I tried to destroy my testicles because (A) I want to be a girl and (B) I consider myself a sexual threat to other people.
I've been forced to publicly detransition, because my mum threw out my estrogen and will call the police on me again if I order more, and my doctor specifically asked me to stop taking hormones until "I feel better" because I apparently can't make "big life-changing decisions" when I'm "not thinking rationally".

They think I'm not thinking rationally, because I tried to kill my balls. Apparently, trying to kill my balls is the sign that I'm not mentally competent to be trans, even though being trans was precisely the reason why I tried to kill my balls in the first place.

People could help me.
Society says I'm a "pedo" because I make the "wrong" cartoon characters kiss.
Society says "pedos" should be castrated.
Society won't let me castrate myself.
Society says I'm dangerous and I have anger issues.
Society won't let me remove the parts of my body that produce testosterone and in turn anger.
They want me to be "in a better mental state" before I can transition.
They don't realise that transitioning would be a better mental state for me.

All this shit makes me feel suicidal.
At the same time, the British government, which refuses to help me although it could, actively censors places like this where you can talk about feeling suicidal.

What do they want from me?
To stew in testosterone and facial hair and rage until I kill myself?
Oh, no, because suicide is bad, and you shouldn't do suicide, even though the same people telling me this are the ones driving me towards suicide in the first place.
They want me to stay alive, while actively preventing me from reaching the state where I would want to stay alive.

I don't want to kill myself. I want to be a girl who studies marine biology, art and Japanese. I want to live a calm life. I want to go back to my jobs. I want purpose. I want friends.

The system is forcing my hand, though. "Don't take medication that would make you feel not suicidal but don't kill yourself", the hell do they want?

 

[gomer1978]

Time to refer yourself to your doctor again. Or call the crisis line. You can be helped but you need to kick up a fuss.

 

[brassicasaur]

Been on the crisis line before, and if I tried again, they'd either give me platitudes or call the cops. Referring myself to the doctor would just result in the same situation ("don't do anything to yourself or take anything until you feel better"), despite the fact that I will not feel better if I'm stuck like this. As a result, I've been thinking about ways to injure myself in such a way that would force doctors to amputate my testicles, but not kill me.

 

[Lycoris]

Since last time I posted on here, I had attempted to tie off my testicles with an elastrator band. Long story short, it was too painful, I was taken to the emergency room, and the doctors cut the bands off my testicles. No lasting damage.
Afterwards, I went out and tried to buy some scissors. My mum called the police on me. They took me to a mental hospital, where I was sectioned for two weeks. Nurses there were lovely. It was absolutely fine.

One thing nobody acknowledges is the why. I tried to destroy my testicles because (A) I want to be a girl and (B) I consider myself a sexual threat to other people.
I've been forced to publicly detransition, because my mum threw out my estrogen and will call the police on me again if I order more, and my doctor specifically asked me to stop taking hormones until "I feel better" because I apparently can't make "big life-changing decisions" when I'm "not thinking rationally".

They think I'm not thinking rationally, because I tried to kill my balls. Apparently, trying to kill my balls is the sign that I'm not mentally competent to be trans, even though being trans was precisely the reason why I tried to kill my balls in the first place.

People could help me.
Society says I'm a "pedo" because I make the "wrong" cartoon characters kiss.
Society says "pedos" should be castrated.
Society won't let me castrate myself.
Society says I'm dangerous and I have anger issues.
Society won't let me remove the parts of my body that produce testosterone and in turn anger.
They want me to be "in a better mental state" before I can transition.
They don't realise that transitioning would be a better mental state for me.

All this shit makes me feel suicidal.
At the same time, the British government, which refuses to help me although it could, actively censors places like this where you can talk about feeling suicidal.

What do they want from me?
To stew in testosterone and facial hair and rage until I kill myself?
Oh, no, because suicide is bad, and you shouldn't do suicide, even though the same people telling me this are the ones driving me towards suicide in the first place.
They want me to stay alive, while actively preventing me from reaching the state where I would want to stay alive.

I don't want to kill myself. I want to be a girl who studies marine biology, art and Japanese. I want to live a calm life. I want to go back to my jobs. I want purpose. I want friends.

The system is forcing my hand, though. "Don't take medication that would make you feel not suicidal but don't kill yourself", the hell do they want?

First of all, I'm so sorry that so many people have failed you both systematically and as a support system. Its honestly heartbreaking to see how not a single person in your life cared to even listen to the why. I do want to ask why you see yourself as a sexual threat to other people if youre okay with answering though? I don't understand how making cartoon characters kiss makes you a pedo at all.

 

[brassicasaur]

First of all, I'm so sorry that so many people have failed you both systematically and as a support system. Its honestly heartbreaking to see how not a single person in your life cared to even listen to the why. I do want to ask why you see yourself as a sexual threat to other people if youre okay with answering though? I don't understand how making cartoon characters kiss makes you a pedo at all.

I'm what the youth call a "proshipper"; that is to say I'm into "problematic" fictional relationships.
I constantly think about rape, for no reason.
These things, plus an incident where I hugged someone too hard and got accused of sexual assault, have convinced me in my own mind (even if it's certainly not true) that I am some kind of monstrous child-rapist.

see my intro post for more details i guess

Life story leading me to here.

Hi. I'm a British guy (not a guy, a trans girl, really, but nobody takes it seriously) in my 20s. I'm "moderate functioning" autistic. That means I can speak, but I have no concept whatsoever of "social skills" or "tact". I was in school until I was about 8 years old. My mum, she took me out of...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[Lycoris]

I'm what the youth call a "proshipper"; that is to say I'm into "problematic" fictional relationships.
I constantly think about rape, for no reason.
These things, plus an incident where I hugged someone too hard and got accused of sexual assault, have convinced me in my own mind (even if it's certainly not true) that I am some kind of monstrous child-rapist.

see my intro post for more details i guess

Life story leading me to here.

Hi. I'm a British guy (not a guy, a trans girl, really, but nobody takes it seriously) in my 20s. I'm "moderate functioning" autistic. That means I can speak, but I have no concept whatsoever of "social skills" or "tact". I was in school until I was about 8 years old. My mum, she took me out of...

sanctioned-suicide.net

This is honestly why I sometimes am wary of NT people because it's terrible that you have to deal with that guilt just because some people exaggerated your behavior to hurt you. Thinking about those things dont automatically make you some sort of criminal and hard kinks or other things along those lines are actually pretty common in SA support groups that i've been in. I hate how much this obsession with purity has made people feel so dirty for very real and natural thoughts people have. I grew up in a cult and it hurts to see even non religious people make arguments like that. I hope you can speak with more reasonable people that can help you realize you arent broken for any of that and it's more concerning how fast those people instantly jumped to conclusions.

 

[Unlucked]

Hi, im trans and went throigh a similar situation you can dm me if youd like. But honestly you should get a job move out and d.i.y.

Orchi would be a god send if you could pay for it out of pocket. My mental healyh is so good after mine.

 

[brassicasaur]

I live in the UK, so it's illegal for me to get orchi without a recommendation from a doctor (and no doctor will even believe I'm trans).