Help I caught my bf watching p0rn

[That one weird girl]

A couple of weeks ago I accidentally caught my boyfriend watching p0rn. Well not while he was doing it but we were on his phone and I wanted to open up a new tab in Google Chrome and one tab was up with a bunch of videos of girls mastuebating.

I feel so... invalidated. For context he said it was because he one night wanted to do it but it was really really late and i was super tired. Also I'm on anti depressants so I'm not always in the mood however I 9 out of 10 times give it up for him. Then to relieve himself he went into the bathroom and did what he needed to be done to relax again which I can kind of relate to I guess? But at the same time not really. I'm a woman so I don't enjoy that overly exposed and (in my opinion) obnoxious kind of p0rn. I like sudelty and taste. I like to read and imagine me and my boyfriend in that situation and if I ever watch p0rn, it's like a close up of some 3d characters doing it (stupid I know)

it just made me feel... disgusting in some way because I do not look like any of these women. I've gained so much weight due to my deppresion and I have such a hard time losing it again to the point where I kind of just want to accept that this is what my body looks like at the moment however I feel like everywhere I look I'm told that it's unattractive.

I just don't like the fact that he feels the need to see other women that way... looking at their breasts and private parts... I feel like I never want to expose myself to him like that ever again...

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Sorry to hear this. I think it's fair to say the majority of young men look at some type of porn and it's invariably going to be graphic.

It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you and I doubt it's anything against you personally. It's just that a lot of men derive pleasure from sexual variation and in our modern world we've kind of gotten used to having both real + fantasy. At least, that's how it's been for me.

Please don't feel inadequate or like you must now lose the weight again or anything, because chances are it has nothing to do with that. And while I understand the feelings of disgust, it's probably more helpful to acknowledge this is all pretty normal, albeit far from ideal from your standpoint.

Hope you feel better soon.

 

[Bianka]

What's the problem? You also engage in pornography. Most people do. It doesn't mean you are not attracted to each other. Is it affecting your relationship in any way? Or it's just bothering you because he watches other things than you? We're different

 

[The Schizoid]

This is the 21st century. Most men wank and most of the time it's to porn. If he's not getting sex as often as he wants, he has no right to pressure you, but he has no switch to turn off his penis.

 

[Little_Suzy]

Avoid looking at your boyfriend's tech if you don't want to see his pornography.

While masturbating, why watch porn? Boosts excitement and accelerates the climax!

Consult your doctor because most antidepressants cause weight gain, dryness, and frigidity. Try Lamictal.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

i think she made it clear what she doesn't have a problem with i.e. sudelty and taste. the 'too-exposed' kinda porn is sick, if you know what kind of fantasies arise from over consumption of such porn, you wouldn't defend that shit. consumption of porn is okay. but as she stated, she watches it and imagines herself in those moments along with her " bf ". on the other hand, it's near to impossible that the guy would be looking at his porn the same way. both of their ways of exposing themselves to pornography have a difference equal to that between passion and horniness.

First off, you don't need to watch the "too-exposed" type of porn to develop weird fantasies. Smutty fanfics and novels do a great job at highlighting this. In reality, sick and weird sexual fanatsies can develop due to a variety of reasons outisde of porn. Sick fanatsies are fine so long as they are kept to one's self and are not acted out on others, especially without their consent.

Secondly, how is it near-impossible for a guy to be looking at his porn in the same way? Also, why would that matter? At the end of day, any pleasure dervived from the porn is mainly through the actions being performed, not the people in it. The actors and actresses are treated more like objects to vicouriously pleasure yourself through rather than as people. It's only a specific subset of people who form a parasocial relationship with those involved and most of those people are usually single.

While I do understand that the OP's boyfriend watching porn makes her feel insecure it kind of feels like this issue has more to do with the OP and her own insecurities rather than it really having anything to do with the bf. Unless there is evidence of him saying or doing something that implies otherwise, it seems like he's just really horny and is just using porn to help release some of that energy. It's not a bad thing and I've heard plenty of cases of couples, both wives and husbands, doing the same thing. In cases like these, I usually just think of it as them using porn the same way you would use a sex toy or an erotic novel. It's just to help you get off, nothing more, nothing less.

I'd imagine that sex while someone isn't in the mood probably isn't that satifying, so I can understand why he's probably watching porn. I think the OP should just have an open and honest conversation about her insecurities with him and, as @Little_Suzy suggested, also look into changing her antidepressants to see if she can find better ones, and maybe even parttake in watching porn with him.

 

[derpyderpins]

A couple of weeks ago I accidentally caught my boyfriend watching p0rn. Well not while he was doing it but we were on his phone and I wanted to open up a new tab in Google Chrome and one tab was up with a bunch of videos of girls mastuebating.

I feel so... invalidated. For context he said it was because he one night wanted to do it but it was really really late and i was super tired. Also I'm on anti depressants so I'm not always in the mood however I 9 out of 10 times give it up for him. Then to relieve himself he went into the bathroom and did what he needed to be done to relax again which I can kind of relate to I guess? But at the same time not really. I'm a woman so I don't enjoy that overly exposed and (in my opinion) obnoxious kind of p0rn. I like sudelty and taste. I like to read and imagine me and my boyfriend in that situation and if I ever watch p0rn, it's like a close up of some 3d characters doing it (stupid I know)

it just made me feel... disgusting in some way because I do not look like any of these women. I've gained so much weight due to my deppresion and I have such a hard time losing it again to the point where I kind of just want to accept that this is what my body looks like at the moment however I feel like everywhere I look I'm told that it's unattractive.

I just don't like the fact that he feels the need to see other women that way... looking at their breasts and private parts... I feel like I never want to expose myself to him like that ever again...

This is a very difficult topic, and first off I'm sorry it is causing you distress.

From a man's perspective, the world of porn is extremely dangerous, especially these days. No longer do you only have access to a magazine, or have to wait an hour for a video to download, or deal with tons of buffering, or even boot up the frickin' computer. You can open tab after tab after tab of more an more stimulating stuff. For men, who have higher sex drives in general than women, this is incredibly hard to resist. It's like you can try a drug, it feels great, and a stronger version is right there next to it - for free - and then an even stronger one, and so on. It mashes that dopamine/serotonin button endlessly. Then, try to go back to the first version of the drug . . . it will feel like a sugar pill in comparison. Quite frankly, what you're describing here that he was looking at is on the mild end of what's out there.

I wish this was a topic that was more discussed on this site, as I personally struggle with it and feel very guilty sometimes. I'll be honest and say I have a lot of "out-there" interests, and if my partner saw what I use to arouse myself when she's not available, it would be very awkward, to put it mildly. It doesn't even mean that I want that stuff. She is incredibly beautiful to me, even if her body is not as hollywood-sculpted as what I can find online, and I would take her any day. Guys are wild, and are going to have wild fantasies, but that doesn't mean that's what they actually want in their life once they put the screen down.

Your reaction is perfectly natural, and you shouldn't feel guilty for it. I give you this explanation so you can understand (1) his struggle, and (2) that you don't need to take it as a slight on you. The most important thing for a woman to be sexy is her behavior, not her looks. The worst thing you could do is let this destroy your confidence and then close yourself off from him, because that is what will drive him to watch more and more. I would think of it this way: he has seen those women, and he has probably seen women like that for a long time, tbh, but he still prefers you. It sounds like you have a healthy sex life, and he regularly seeks out sex from you. That tells me he would rather have you than look at them. That is all that matters. He may peak sometimes to get himself hard for some relief, but they can't have him. He's yours.

 

[Adûnâi]

For men, who have higher sex drives in general than women, this is incredibly hard to resist. It's like you can try a drug, it feels great, and a stronger version is right there next to it - for free - and then an even stronger one, and so on. It mashes that dopamine/serotonin button endlessly. Then, try to go back to the first version of the drug . . . it will feel like a sugar pill in comparison.

I have always disagreed with this sentiment. There are dozens of kinds of pornography: solo camgirls, JAVs, drawn 2D stills, animated 3D rule34, audio hypno, Chinese photo models from Xiuren, JOIs... They barely have anything in common. And I cannot see how appreciating one kind would lead to another at all.

But then again, I don't understand why people go to great lengths to decensor JAVs - maybe it's my sexual instinct that's broken, and it's the normies who are normal?

As regards the OP - there is a pornographic niche ever growing in popularity called "male chastity". It's about forbidding your bf to get off unless permitted. Of course, it shouldn't be used as a tool to fix real issues, but the idea exists.

he has seen those women, and he has probably seen women like that for a long time, tbh, but he still prefers you.

He just can't access those women xd

 

[That one weird girl]

I'm so sorry to anyone I've made feel less than, or weird for watching pornography. I should've stated that I completely understand that it's normal for men and for alot of women to watch it. I don't have anything against people watching it however I do belive that it is a harmful industry which is why I (the few times) have chosen to watch it, I only watch animated or just drawings of close up situations.

I get that I come off as extremely insecure which you guys are completely wrong in. I'm super secure if you can't tell
No but you're right. Whenever I've been to a psychologist that's been one of the many things I've talked about. I do have severe mommy and daddy issues and I could write paragraphs on day end but this will do.

I feel our choice if porn is different because he dosnt see ME doing those things. Which might also come off as self centered however to me and my china plate feelings its kind of like cheating. (Not that it is but you know). I do not find any other man attractive anymore since I've fallen in love with him. It's fucking crazy I know but no actor or actress makes me go awooga like he does. I will fawn over him in random moments. To me he is just the most beautiful man so that is why I can't get off to other men, and I guess it's stupid to expect the same thing in return because fairytales don't in fact exist and I'm just a hopeless delusional romantic.

However I guess I can't expect him to gogle at me when I never have the energy to do myself up. I can't even brush my teeth so it's quite dumb to expect him to find me attractive... I just kind of wish, he would only want me... :'c

 

[SexyIncél]

I do not find any other man attractive anymore since I've fallen in love with him. It's fucking crazy I know but no actor or actress makes me go awooga like he does. I will fawn over him in random moments. To me he is just the most beautiful man so that is why I can't get off to other men, and I guess it's stupid to expect the same thing in return because fairytales don't in fact exist and I'm just a hopeless delusional romantic.

You sound so far like an excellent gf, and I get the impression your bf's lucky to have you. You do him the favor of preempting whole classes of problems that many other bfs have to deal with

If you'd like to explain his attributes you're so crazy for, I'd be grateful. I like to gather case studies

it just made me feel... disgusting in some way because I do not look like any of these women. I've gained so much weight due to my deppresion and I have such a hard time losing it again to the point where I kind of just want to accept that this is what my body looks like at the moment however I feel like everywhere I look I'm told that it's unattractive.

I just don't like the fact that he feels the need to see other women that way... looking at their breasts and private parts... I feel like I never want to expose myself to him like that ever again...

Ugly secret of men: they generally crave sexual variety. This sounds horrific to women, who, like you, "do not find any other man attractive anymore since I've fallen in love with him". On top of that is maddening hypocrisy: men's territoriality — sexual jealousy & repulsion if YOU'RE attracted to other guys

On the plus side, they can have sex with other gals without emotional attachment. And variety means that the other gals aren't SUPPOSED to look like you

(Such cravings seem biological, as they resist strong cultural & psychological re-programming. To illustrate it, consider the evo-psych mythology — maybe true — that men are wired to spread their DNA around indiscriminately like sneezing)

So it may help to consider why you feel bad. Is it territoriality/competition? Self-image? If you can work with his urges, you can legitimately expect/demand the following:

• he has no emotional attachment to anyone else
• he sees you as the hottest gal ever. You get to enjoy the idea you can steal him from any gal, ever

 

[That one weird girl]

You sound so far like an excellent gf, and I get the impression your bf's lucky to have you. You do him the favor of preempting whole classes of problems that many other bfs have to deal with

If you'd like to explain his attributes you're so crazy for, I'd be grateful. I like to gather case studies


Ugly secret of men: they generally crave sexual variety. This sounds horrific to women, who, like you, "do not find any other man attractive anymore since I've fallen in love with him". On top of that is maddening hypocrisy: men's territoriality — sexual jealousy & repulsion if YOU'RE attracted to other guys

On the plus side, they can have sex with other gals without emotional attachment. And variety means that the other gals aren't SUPPOSED to look like you

(Such cravings seem biological, as they resist strong cultural & psychological re-programming. To illustrate it, consider the evo-psych mythology — maybe true — that men are wired to spread their DNA around indiscriminately like sneezing)

So it may help to consider why you feel bad. Is it territoriality/competition? Self-image? If you can work with his urges, you can legitimately expect/demand the following:

• he has no emotional attachment to anyone else
• he sees you as the hottest gal ever. You get to enjoy the idea you can steal him from any gal, ever

Thank you for this. I feel like this gave me some kind of closure even tho I still feel kind of weird about the fact that men are like that. I wish it wasn't true but it's nature I guess. I remember when we first started dating he tried to put on some lesbian porn and for some reason it just dried me up. I didn't feel like having sex after that even tho I didn't feel jealousy. I just didn't like it.

However if he ever tried to do that now I think I'd have a full blown mental breakdown. I have a hard time even watching intimacy scenes in movies with him just cuz I know I'm so far from the male gaze as you could ever get. At one point I even told him that he could be with other women if he liked, but he refused and said he only wanted me. (Eternally I was obviously joyful over that but I think deep down it wouldve been a way for me to emotionally self harm, which is what I tend to do).

And the reason why I'm so in love with him is the fact that:
▪︎ he loves me no matter what. Even tho I never put effort into my looks or that I'm taking so long to heal ( I usually just stay home and sleep and try to do 2 chores a day along with walking my dog. It dosnt seem as much but i promise you, after that I'm so fucking burnt out).

▪︎ He seems to understand me and my feelings and I've expressed that I'm not to happy with him still texting his ex girlfriend after a long time of trying to live with it and get used to it. (For context it's not just because she's his ex but the things she was texting him about and sharing with him was so personal that it made me so uncomfortable. Things you'd normally just share with your boyfriend which she btw have been unfaithful to and told my boyfriend about. I know I come off as a crazy jealous girlfriend but I just can't help to feel uneasy knowing that she was texting him about going to the gym and taking him to concerts...
They don't seem to text anymore even tho I've said that I want to be ok with it and that I want to work on my feelings which to me seems like he values my feelings more than his relationship with her and that makes me feel happy.

▪︎ We have the same interests, hobbies and humor which means alot to me. Animals, black metal and gaming is all a very big part of my personality and its nice knowing that my best friend is also my boyfriend.

▪︎ He is very emotionally stable. I've been in a couple of relationships with men who've unintentionally abused me because of their past but it seems like he has had the perfect childhood and he is so emotionally mature (he's 32 but there's a shit ton of 32 year old men who still wants a Belle Delphine kind of girl if you catch my drift).

There's probably more but this was at the top of my head. I just feel safe when im with him but lately I've had vivid dreams of him rejecting me or even having sex with other women which means that my insecurities are clearly affecting me.
I really hope you won't think of me as a delusional nut job because I know I have alot of issues to work through.

It's just, I wished we lived in a world where humans could be more like penguins or swans. I want a relationship where if one dies the other would die from heart ache. (Dramatic I know) but I simply want that fairytale life

 

[hikikomorizombie]

yeah i wouldn't tolerate that shit. i value myself above all else, & usually anything that i perceive as disrespect from others ends w me immediately cutting them off. imo, that's basically diet cheating, or @ least would lead me to think he'd be more susceptible to cheating. there's a v thin line btwn virtual & reality. there is some1 out there who will respect ur wishes & won't shit on the sanctity of ur relationship by watching other women masturbate or fuck.

i have a hyperfixation on a fic character, & when the last dude i was talking to told me it made him unhappy to see me reposting thirst trap edits of said character, i stopped. even though i thought it was silly bc the character's not real, i stopped w no argument, bc i valued him & wanted him to feel respected & valued. it's simple.

i can't imagine how disheartening, demoralizing, & dehumanizing that must've felt. esp the fact he went into the bathroom afterwards to jerk off???

 

[SexyIncél]

I know I come off as a crazy jealous girlfriend but I just can't help to feel uneasy knowing that she was texting him about going to the gym and taking him to concerts...
They don't seem to text anymore even tho I've said that I want to be ok with it and that I want to work on my feelings which to me seems like he values my feelings more than his relationship with her and that makes me feel happy.

Some guys like the possessive gf. I'm impressed he made the right choice. I don't see your reaction as crazy at all

There's probably more but this was at the top of my head. I just feel safe when im with him but lately I've had vivid dreams of him rejecting me or even having sex with other women which means that my insecurities are clearly affecting me.
I really hope you won't think of me as a delusional nut job because I know I have alot of issues to work through.

Looping thoughts are certainly common. I imagine it's your unconscious doing threat-detection. (Maybe trying to shape you into a "better" self, or more truly yourself? Self-actualized, the person you wish to be?)

Or maybe it's also a visceral way to perceive him as being more valuable than you

I want a relationship where if one dies the other would die from heart ache. (Dramatic I know) but I simply want that fairytale life

This definitely exists! Take the best couple I know. One of them told me that, if he died, she'd simply commit suicide too. (She's not suicidal, but life would be pointless)

You're quite apologetic, but I consider these entirely normal thoughts! Yes, they can be crippling, due perhaps to previous mistreatment... but tbh I'd be surprised if you didn't experience these things

 

[theboy]

Seriously discuss things with your boyfriend to avoid future misunderstandings.

 

[That one weird girl]

yeah i wouldn't tolerate that shit. i value myself above all else, & usually anything that i perceive as disrespect from others ends w me immediately cutting them off. imo, that's basically diet cheating, or @ least would lead me to think he'd be more susceptible to cheating. there's a v thin line btwn virtual & reality. there is some1 out there who will respect ur wishes & won't shit on the sanctity of ur relationship by watching other women masturbate or fuck.

i have a hyperfixation on a fic character, & when the last dude i was talking to told me it made him unhappy to see me reposting thirst trap edits of said character, i stopped. even though i thought it was silly bc the character's not real, i stopped w no argument, bc i valued him & wanted him to feel respected & valued. it's simple.

i can't imagine how disheartening, demoralizing, & dehumanizing that must've felt. esp the fact he went into the bathroom afterwards to jerk off???

I don't know if I'm glad someone understands my pain or sad that I'm not delusional. I want his behavior to be normal and I want desperately to be wrong. But what if what he did actually was unacceptable

Some guys like the possessive gf. I'm impressed he made the right choice. I don't see your reaction as crazy at all


Looping thoughts are certainly common. I imagine it's your unconscious doing threat-detection. (Maybe trying to shape you into a "better" self, or more truly yourself? Self-actualized, the person you wish to be?)

Or maybe it's also a visceral way to perceive him as being more valuable than you


This definitely exists! Take the best couple I know. One of them told me that, if he died, she'd simply commit suicide too. (She's not suicidal, but life would be pointless)

You're quite apologetic, but I consider these entirely normal thoughts! Yes, they can be crippling, due perhaps to previous mistreatment... but tbh I'd be surprised if you didn't experience these things

Thank you so much for your reply. For context, we live in Denmark which is a very progressive country. Sex and porn is so normalized her which I get but there are also so many issues that comes with this.

I have to be wrong in this scenario. I have to be otherwise ill have a gut wrenching conversation with him and I can't imagine a future without him. We live together and we just got a cat. If we separate I honestly think I'll die

 

[hikikomorizombie]

But what if what he did actually was unacceptable

it's only unacceptable if u deem it as such. just like some ppl accept being cheated on multiple times, or abused, or their kids being abused, or being disrespected, etc. u have to decide & enforce for yourself what u deserve & are willing to tolerate. if u think u deserve a bf who doesn't care enough abt u to not look @ other women sexually, virtual or not, then that is ur choice. if u think u deserve a bf who treasures & prioritizes u + ur relationship enough to not even feel the need to do that, that is ur choice too. i'm sorry, it's always v shitty when some1 disappoints u.

 

[That one weird girl]

It's in the middle of the night. I'm in the kitchen crying my eyes out. I really really don't want to talk to him about this right now. I just want to cry and cry and cry. I want this to be untrue. That he only wants ME. That I'm the one he wants to look at the most. I really hate myself right now. I have no one to call. No one to text. I'm too much of a pussy to self harm. I don't know what to do.

 

[derpyderpins]

I have always disagreed with this sentiment. There are dozens of kinds of pornography: solo camgirls, JAVs, drawn 2D stills, animated 3D rule34, audio hypno, Chinese photo models from Xiuren, JOIs... They barely have anything in common. And I cannot see how appreciating one kind would lead to another at all.

Fine. Instead of it being stronger drugs, it's different drugs. Infinite options. Your point changes the metaphor but doesn't weaken the overall point.

he has seen those women, and he has probably seen women like that for a long time, tbh, but he still prefers you.

He just can't access those women xd

Sex with someone imperfect who you love is infinitely more satisfying than sex with someone hotter who you don't care for. It feels better physically and mentally. It's not a question of access, unless those random pornstars would be equally compatible with him.

 

[SexyIncél]

It's in the middle of the night. I'm in the kitchen crying my eyes out. I really really don't want to talk to him about this right now.

What do you expect will happen if you do talk with him about this?

How would you phrase it, and how do you expect him to respond?

 

[byebyeblondie]

Your feelings aren't wrong. Everyone has different boundaries in their relationships. I do think you should talk to him about how YOU feel and then set yourselves boundaries YOU'RE BOTH comfortable with. It's important to communicate and be open and honest is a relationship. If he doesn't truly understand your feelings on watching porn, he won't understand how/ why he has done anything to upset you.

If you explain your feelings calmly, then he shouldn't break up with you over it. There are plenty of people who feel the same way as you do about porn. If it's a big no for you and he won't stop watching it, then he probably isn't worth your time.

Not sure if this helps with a different perspective of things, but I a woman and I watch porn (quite a lot), even in a relationship I watch porn. I personally don't watch it because I don't love my partner, or because my sex life is missing things. Sometimes I just want to cum without having to think about anyone else or even worrying about how I look or if it feels good for someone else. I have zero attraction/ feelings about the people, it's more the act of what they're doing, if that makes sense. I also think that some of things could be fun to try with my partner.

I hope you're able to work things out and feel happier!