Venting i can't

[leyl]

im open to changing my view

but i just am so so so tired
i've been getting more and more exhausted of life
i should be dead already
i am dead, i've been for a long time
but my body doesn't follow. it refuses to fully acknowledge this reality even tho it's rotting

i keep having violent self harming thoughts
violent recalls of my m*lestation
little me lost all perspective of any regular future, i cry her loss everyday
violent need to tear my skin off
violent need to shut it all off

but i keep it at bay, as much as i can, it's been getting so hard but i still try
because that's the right thing to do for my friends and family
at least for 1 month, that's possible right?

if reincarnation does exist, may the universe let me be a whale this time
floating in the abyss of the vast ocean
in the bliss of the ignorance of all these existential questions

i do not exist anymore here
i can't
the endless suffering around me makes my hearth in such profound ways i can't function anymore
existing is such pain and agony
i wasn't supposed to be here
life is incredible but not for me
not anymore

oh i wish to be a whale
please
let me be a whale