I haven't been able to decide to commit suicide for about 5 years now. I know for sure that I cannot be happy, because I have already turned into a freak, incapable of anything, disgusting and insignificant both for others and for myself. I am 21 years old, I live with my mother, who is a mess, retarded, and also a narcissist. I don't work, I can't even decide to go get a new passport. I spend all my days at home, in between visiting classes at a typical post-Soviet university at the vocational school level. From time to time I catch the incentive to finish everything, I start to starve before taking SN. I delete myself everywhere on the network (after a dozen such antics, I lost my micro YouTube channel, Github, accounts on social networks, friends from the Internet, and much more). In this way I separated myself from a world with which I had never been close. Rather, I lost my last connections on the network, which were mainly due to the TG channels of self-harmists, where teenagers sat.
Every time I try to start a fast before taking SN, I can't achieve the goal. Fear and uncertainty begin to torment me all the time. In this way, I have scheduled my exit more than a dozen times in just these two years. This usually occurs under the influence of some stimulus. But I don't have enough of it to accomplish my plans. I tried to get better, but it didn't work out. As a result, I only realized my insignificance. It's like there's a bar that I can't jump above, and it's very low. I live in a constant feeling of insignificance, mixed with panic. I want this to end someday, but I don't know how to achieve this.
Several times I had to take action, but it was too insignificant. I cut my hands and took a pill. It seems even with the pills it was close, but even then I couldn't eat enough 28 instead of 40. In addition, distant ones: I stood on the windowsill, trying to decide to jump, stood on the railway bridge, deciding to get hit by a train.
Translated via google.
Every time I try to start a fast before taking SN, I can't achieve the goal. Fear and uncertainty begin to torment me all the time. In this way, I have scheduled my exit more than a dozen times in just these two years. This usually occurs under the influence of some stimulus. But I don't have enough of it to accomplish my plans. I tried to get better, but it didn't work out. As a result, I only realized my insignificance. It's like there's a bar that I can't jump above, and it's very low. I live in a constant feeling of insignificance, mixed with panic. I want this to end someday, but I don't know how to achieve this.
Several times I had to take action, but it was too insignificant. I cut my hands and took a pill. It seems even with the pills it was close, but even then I couldn't eat enough 28 instead of 40. In addition, distant ones: I stood on the windowsill, trying to decide to jump, stood on the railway bridge, deciding to get hit by a train.
Translated via google.
