NSFW I can't stop myself

[motel rooms]

I can't stop myself. I need him to start saying no & help me stop myself. I push him too far, this is sick, I'm an addict who uses him as a drug. I want to devour him, penetrate every fucking cell in his body. This need is so much more intense than normal lust, this is a wildfire, this is deranged. It's not the acts themselves, we don't do anything that most other gay men don't do as well, but I lose all control. Does he really want this? How could anyone enjoy hours upon hours of being kissed, edged & fucked by a sex-obsessed ape for two days in a row? Other guys always tell me to stop when they've had enough of me. I'm not a sadist, I swear to fucking God I don't enjoy using & hurting anyone, much less him. He's by no means physically fragile & inexperienced, but then again, he never complains about anything. Fucking never. Does he feel he owes me this for marrying him? I can't tell if I'm crossing the line, I dissociate from reality, maybe I start saying stupid shit & get selfish & rough. No one's ever let me do this to them, I always stop when I'm asked to stop. I can't trust my judgment & I can't trust his either. He keeps saying yes to everything I want with that stupid beautiful melancholy smile on his face. He was too exhausted to even take a shower, we didn't eat, he just fucking passed out. Now that he's asleep, I feel like a disgusting brute & I wanna blow my brains out. Everything always has to end with me feeling like a filthy animal, everything always has to get so fucking ugly.

 

[Silenos]

If he keeps saying yes and you need him to start saying no, you need to help him to do so. It's good to vent, but all of this is exactly what you need to bring up in a serious conversation with him. As with every relationship, communication is key.

 

[thisplaceisaprison]

Good lord as a gay man myself, I've heard of people enjoying much worse acts in the PNP scene which by comparison are inhuman lol. I hope that doesn't sound insensitive, but some guys are just wired to go that way sober or otherwise. I would just ask him if boundaries are being crossed - to me it just sounds like you really love him and like the other person said just communicate you seem really in your head about this when the best person to ask would be him. I don't believe he'd feel as though he owes you anything. Also is any of this site SFW?

 

[Suicidebydeath]

How could anyone enjoy hours upon hours of being kissed, edged & fucked by a sex-obsessed ape for two days in a row?

You called. Just kidding but I personally know at least one person that enjoys this.

As with every relationship, communication is key.

This.

Talk it through. Ask them what they want. And if you need to him to start saying no, ask him if they can do that for your sake, but tell you feel bad about it, maybe they can change your feeling about instead of changing what you do day-to-day, so you can accept it and be happy. I hope for you.

I feel badly for you. I don't think it's an easy thing to talk about at all, when you think the other person just cares for your interest. In my experience, talking resolves it when both are honest about their needs, which seems to be always for me. I wish I wasn't dead tired with insomnia right now to answer your question.

 

[D&D]

I have read a few of your posts. They led me to believe that you are an intelligent and articulate man. This post confirms it further. I also know that being able to articulate the issue in our own minds does not necessarily mean we are able to do so adequately in live conversation. But it is a start. And a great start at that. You are aware of the issue. Aware enough to put it to words. Including ' ... He keeps saying yes to everything I want with that stupid beautiful melancholy smile on his face. He was too exhausted to even take a shower.' You know where 'melancholy smiles' reside. I think you owe to him and yourself to address it in conversation. However uncomfortable it might be. More often than not the level of discomfort is proportional to the level of importance.

Those are just my views and you may use/not use them as you see fit. They are offered in good faith.

 

[motel rooms]

If he keeps saying yes and you need him to start saying no, you need to help him to do so. It's good to vent, but all of this is exactly what you need to bring up in a serious conversation with him. As with every relationship, communication is key.

Yeah, I know, but that's easier said than done. He's the most un-Italian Italian man on the planet, he's not big on expressing his feelings using words. He's more dutiful, self-effacing, polite & conflict-averse than a damn golden retriever, I don't know how he's managed to survive for 28 years. You could stick a kitchen knife in his neck & he wouldn't even make a sound. He's traumatized af, but everything revolves around me & my traumas & breakdowns.
He minimizes everything he's been through (no father, junkie mother, never any food in the house, life on the streets, forced to do sex work, abusive johns, struggling with alcoholism, etc.) & thinks I'm more important than him.

I hate that so much, it makes me feel like I'm using him. It doesn't help that I'm 12 years older than him, that I can't let him penetrate me, that I'm perpetually horny because I have hypersexual disorder & that he's okay with me occasionally having sex with other guys. I just feel so filthy & I really wanna be clean for him. He is a genuinely good young man who deserves so much more than I can give him. I made the mistake of telling him some of that & he started sobbing & repeating that he doesn't deserve me. It's like we're characters in one of Dostoevsky's highbrow Christian soap operas. "No, I'm more sinful & undeserving of your love, Dunyechka, you had to sell your body, you have suffered infinitely more!", cried out Raskolnikov...

 

[summers]

@hotelbeneathground just treat your husband the way you want other people to treat him, with care and respect.

 

[callme]

Yeah, I know, but that's easier said than done. He's the most un-Italian Italian man on the planet, he's not big on expressing his feelings using words. He's more dutiful, self-effacing, polite & conflict-averse than a damn golden retriever, I don't know how he's managed to survive for 28 years. You could stick a kitchen knife in his neck & he wouldn't even make a sound. He's traumatized af, but everything revolves around me & my traumas & breakdowns.
He minimizes everything he's been through (no father, junkie mother, never any food in the house, life on the streets, forced to do sex work, abusive johns, struggling with alcoholism, etc.) & thinks I'm more important than him.

I hate that so much, it makes me feel like I'm using him. It doesn't help that I'm 12 years older than him, that I can't let him penetrate me, that I'm perpetually horny because I have hypersexual disorder & that he's okay with me occasionally having sex with other guys. I just feel so filthy & I really wanna be clean for him. He is a genuinely good young man who deserves so much more than I can give him. I made the mistake of telling him some of that & he started sobbing & repeating that he doesn't deserve me. It's like we're characters in one of Dostoevsky's highbrow Christian soap operas. "No, I'm more sinful & undeserving of your love, Dunyechka, you had to sell your body, you have suffered infinitely more!", cried out Raskolnikov...

Then he likes it. And he likes you. He doesn't see you as abusive

 

[Dot]

Thnk is goin2 b dffclt 2 hve ur partnr st boundrs wth u if partnr ds nt thnk dservs 2. Partnr cld evn b out of tch wth own nds & nt knw hw 2 exprss thm. Dnt knw hw u hve bn communic8ng issu bt if u focs on hw mch u lve hm & u wn2 hve boundrs bc partnr dservs it & th lv & rspct tht cmes wth it. MayB u cld hlp partnr 2 exprss othr feelngs outsde of bedrm 2 gve partnr mre confdnce in doin so. Also lttng partnr knw tht u wll nt leve if partnr sts boundrs. If partnr Cs nt sttng boundrs as crticsm thn wll only gt upst or g/ mre in2 hmslf.

 

[Insomniac]

I'm scared

 

[callme]

Thnk is goin2 b dffclt 2 hve ur partnr st boundrs wth u if partnr ds nt thnk dservs 2. Partnr cld evn b out of tch wth own nds & nt knw hw 2 exprss thm. Dnt knw hw u hve bn communic8ng issu bt if u focs on hw mch u lve hm & u wn2 hve boundrs bc partnr dservs it & th lv & rspct tht cmes wth it. MayB u cld hlp partnr 2 exprss othr feelngs outsde of bedrm 2 gve partnr mre confdnce in doin so. Also lttng partnr knw tht u wll nt leve if partnr sts boundrs. If partnr Cs nt sttng boundrs as crticsm thn wll only gt upst or g/ mre in2 hmslf.

True, but it doesn't sound like his mate is insecure from what he describes. His partner probably likes their relationship already, idk

 

[Cockney_Rebel]

I can't stop myself. I need him to start saying no & help me stop myself. I push him too far, this is sick, I'm an addict who uses him as a drug. I want to devour him, penetrate every fucking cell in his body. This need is so much more intense than normal lust, this is a wildfire, this is deranged. It's not the acts themselves, we don't do anything that most other gay men don't do as well, but I lose all control. Does he really want this? How could anyone enjoy hours upon hours of being kissed, edged & fucked by a sex-obsessed ape for two days in a row? Other guys always tell me to stop when they've had enough of me. I'm not a sadist, I swear to fucking God I don't enjoy using & hurting anyone, much less him. He's by no means physically fragile & inexperienced, but then again, he never complains about anything. Fucking never. Does he feel he owes me this for marrying him? I can't tell if I'm crossing the line, I dissociate from reality, maybe I start saying stupid shit & get selfish & rough. No one's ever let me do this to them, I always stop when I'm asked to stop. I can't trust my judgment & I can't trust his either. He keeps saying yes to everything I want with that stupid beautiful melancholy smile on his face. He was too exhausted to even take a shower, we didn't eat, he just fucking passed out. Now that he's asleep, I feel like a disgusting brute & I wanna blow my brains out. Everything always has to end with me feeling like a filthy animal, everything always has to get so fucking ugly.

It's nice you're still here.

Last message from you (months ago) was a goodbye one, and you requested that no one respond.

With regards to your husband, your lover, your soul mate, try not to think bad.

In most relationships there is the leader, and the follower. You are merely the leader.

I think it would be very helpful for him to read what you have written, then ask him to honestly reflect.

Thinking of you.

 

[Snake of Eden]

This sux because the body has limits especially the human anus. I think you have no choice but to keep it open when you are this insatiable. No one will be able to take bottoming for so frequently and for prolonged period before health problems start to appear. Chances for fistula, haemorrhoids, rectal cancer and throat cancer as well will be much higher.
I would recommend your partner daily Kegal exercises for pelvic floor muscles to combat weakening the sphincter muscles

 

[motel rooms]

No one will be able to take bottoming for so frequently and for prolonged period before health problems start to appear. Chances for fistula, haemorrhoids, rectal cancer and throat cancer as well will be much higher.

I know. We don't have anal sex every day & we certainly don't do it for hours on end, I stay away from the blue pill & we don't do chemsex. I'm actually really into frot & sensual body worship/edging, I'm not obsessed with anal. Wouldn't I notice, I mean, be able to feel it with my fingers & penis if he developed internal hemorrhoids? There'd probably be some bleeding too. As for throat cancer, only a very small number of people who catch oral HPV get it. I think we'd both rather die of throat cancer than stop excessively sucking off each other anyway. :)

 

[Snake of Eden]

I know. We don't have anal sex every day & we certainly don't do it for hours on end, I stay away from the blue pill & we don't do chemsex. I'm actually really into frot & sensual body worship/edging, I'm not obsessed with anal. Wouldn't I notice, I mean, be able to feel it with my fingers & penis if he developed internal hemorrhoids? There'd probably be some bleeding too. As for throat cancer, only a very small number of people who catch oral HPV get it. I think we'd both rather die of throat cancer than stop excessively sucking off each other anyway. :)

i didnt mean to lecture you sorry if it came across that way. I assumed it was like you said. Forget what i said then. I should refrain from commenting about anything with sex or relationship. Mine were mostly with douchebags and I always assume the worst in people. FML

 

[motel rooms]

Good lord as a gay man myself, I've heard of people enjoying much worse acts in the PNP scene which by comparison are inhuman lol.

Chemsex would kill me. I'd probably break into a zoo at night & try to fuck actual bears, otters & wolves.

I would just ask him if boundaries are being crossed - to me it just sounds like you really love him and like the other person said just communicate you seem really in your head about this when the best person to ask would be him.

You're probably right about me being really in my head about this. I was abused as a child & I would never be able to let anyone top me, so I freak out easily when I think I might be hurting a bottom. I can't handle it when guys start squealing & shit. The trouble with my partner is that it's impossible to tell when he's in pain & that he often lies to spare my feelings. I know he enjoys a moderate pounding because he stays hard, but it's anybody's guess if he's really into me getting rough since he loses his boner. Why do I occasionally get rough then? Because he lets me & it feels so right in the moment. Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill, but I'm not terribly rational when it comes to sex.

i didnt mean to lecture you sorry if it came across that way. I assumed it was like you said. Forget what i said then. I should refrain from commenting about anything with sex or relationship. Mine were mostly with douchebags and I always assume the worst in people. FML

No, your input is appreciated, especially now that you're a global mod, sir. XXXmas made me go crazy for 2 days & then Jesus made me pay in guilt & tears for being a pig on his birthday. I know I joke about gay sex all the time & that many members find that obnoxious, but I really do hate the fact that my sex drive is so high & that I often play a controlling douchebag for hot guys because I'm a pathetic addict & they're, well, hot. I'm glad my exterior is still attractive, but I simultaneously feel like nothing but a filthy, stinking piece of meat covered in flies. I may be the loudest person who has to deal with severe sexual compulsivity on here, but I know for a fact I'm not the only one. If some of you envy me/us, you're very foolish.

 

[motel rooms]

I don't think it's an easy thing to talk about at all, when you think the other person just cares for your interest. In my experience, talking resolves it when both are honest about their needs, which seems to be always for me.

To further complicate things, the fact that he cares about me more than himself doesn't just make me feel guilty, it's also sexy af. I don't know if other people get turned on by kindness, but it's hard for me to resist someone so damn sweet.

I have read a few of your posts. They led me to believe that you are an intelligent and articulate man. This post confirms it further. I also know that being able to articulate the issue in our own minds does not necessarily mean we are able to do so adequately in live conversation. But it is a start. And a great start at that. You are aware of the issue. Aware enough to put it to words. Including ' ... He keeps saying yes to everything I want with that stupid beautiful melancholy smile on his face. He was too exhausted to even take a shower.' You know where 'melancholy smiles' reside. I think you owe to him and yourself to address it in conversation. However uncomfortable it might be. More often than not the level of discomfort is proportional to the level of importance.

It isn't hard for me to verbalize anything, I'm anything but tongue-tied, but he refuses to accept that my sex drive isn't normal. There's no getting through to this guy with words. All I can do is sit across from him at the table, take his hands in mine & kiss them, which is what I did an hour ago. The second I said I was sorry for not being able to control myself, he called me crazy for apologizing & told me to kiss him on the mouth. That's how our conversations go.

 

[little helpers]

I can't stop myself. I need him to start saying no & help me stop myself. I push him too far, this is sick, I'm an addict who uses him as a drug. I want to devour him, penetrate every fucking cell in his body. This need is so much more intense than normal lust, this is a wildfire, this is deranged. It's not the acts themselves, we don't do anything that most other gay men don't do as well, but I lose all control. Does he really want this? How could anyone enjoy hours upon hours of being kissed, edged & fucked by a sex-obsessed ape for two days in a row? Other guys always tell me to stop when they've had enough of me. I'm not a sadist, I swear to fucking God I don't enjoy using & hurting anyone, much less him. He's by no means physically fragile & inexperienced, but then again, he never complains about anything. Fucking never. Does he feel he owes me this for marrying him? I can't tell if I'm crossing the line, I dissociate from reality, maybe I start saying stupid shit & get selfish & rough. No one's ever let me do this to them, I always stop when I'm asked to stop. I can't trust my judgment & I can't trust his either. He keeps saying yes to everything I want with that stupid beautiful melancholy smile on his face. He was too exhausted to even take a shower, we didn't eat, he just fucking passed out. Now that he's asleep, I feel like a disgusting brute & I wanna blow my brains out. Everything always has to end with me feeling like a filthy animal, everything always has to get so fucking ugly.

I keep mentioning my ex-gf (I'm nblw/lesbian) over and over on SS and I'm gonna do it for the one hundredth time now. not becuz I wanna confess and dump my own shit onto anyone. but becuz she could've wrote this *exact* post. *and* becuz I love her too damn much and she's last person I'd want to forget.

boundaries are tough to comprehend or to realize, when we have CPTSD. that's me, you, my ex. yeah I recognize you. I like your posted contents a lot. hilarious or ingenious or too goddamn relatable. both me and my ex have history of CSA/SA. and that's alarming enough that sex is gonna be hell. I wouldn't ever say "no". never. I wanted to love her the best way I ever could. she was desperate to wash off the immense shame she feels. tops and penetrates. asked for consent but it was always a "go ahead" from me anyways. I started drinking heavily just to cope with that. the sex. and it wasn't long before she joined in and now we were raiding cheap liqour at Safeway aided by a mutual friend of ours who's over 21. friend thought we had a real nice relationship though. who doesn't think that when it's hugs and smiles and "I love you - I love you too, xoxo"s all the time? smiles. I can smile in the most cunningly imitative way even when I frankly can't feel more terrible. she too, I think. trained at happiness play-pretend since we been kids. and we buy into that shit and go convince ourselves we're doing really good. really happy.

so now you have two motherfuckers in drunken stupor where neither had any capacity to consent to sex. just let it roll and regret the next morning. before chugging a wake-up beer with the coffee, go get our coursework done, and have it happen again by evening when we got inerbinated enough. sex was only tolerable when drunk. tipsy was not hitting the mark. "shriveled liver in a slow cooker". I became an alcoholic poet and a poetic alcoholic. kept alive by a cocktail of drugs. while she miraculously managed to get straight A's off every course. cuz she much more advanced than I was and barely needed to think answering the same exam paper.

but I remember the good times. times we truly enjoyed ourselves. hiking, reading, cooking, horsing around together. we know every single Elliott Smith or Tool song and would sing or drum to them whenever we got bored. and I had times where I felt so loved and supported cuz no one understood my shit better than her. or times where I sat through her 5-hour long political rants being as attentive a drunkard could get, and found them inspiring after we got on with our own lives later.

if only we met each other at a better stage in our lives, one where we had done some healing independently, we might honestly get married. I'd always think to myself like that. 'cept we didn't. and a fond farewell was the best thing we then could give to each other. it was damage control for one another. before she end up genuinely hating me or I her.

so. I don't know if I tired you out with this shit. but I think there is something to gain reading it. I like narratives. prefer it to a concisely summarized answer. you may not feel anything with one like that, feel like you have a reason to do or not do something. but while I'm prolly too young to counsel you, I can always share something. and you're free to take what you find useful.

but maybe I should still say that when a person never ever says "no", that person truly, really, definitely, does NOT have capacity to consent to sex (yet). and this hurts the other person too fucking much. cuz "a yes means nothing when you don't ever say no".

 

[motel rooms]

Think its goin2 be dffclt 2 have ur partnr set boundries wth u if partnr does not think deserves 2.

Yeah, his self-esteem is pretty low.

Partnr could even be out of touch wth own needs & not know how 2 express thm.

Well, he's versatile, so I know he wouldn't mind topping me, but I can't let anyone, not even him, do that. We do pretty much everything else to each other & his orgasms tell me he enjoys it.

MayB u could help partnr 2 express other feelings outside of bedroom 2 give partner more confidence in doing so. Also letting partnr know that u will not leave if partnr sets boundrs. If partnr sees not settng boundrs as criticsm then will only get upset or g/ more in2 hmslf.

I'd never leave him, he knows that. I wouldn't divorce him even if he knocked up a woman.

I'm scared

What? Why? You're not a fit scruffy gay/bi bottom, you have nothing to worry about.

 

[motel rooms]

so. I don't know if I tired you out with this shit. but I think there is something to gain reading it. I like narratives. prefer it to a concisely summarized answer. you may not feel anything with one like that, feel like you have a reason to do or not do something. but while I'm prolly too young to counsel you, I can always share something. and you're free to take what you find useful.

Yes, there's definitely value in narratives. Our lives are way too complex to be concisely summarized.

but maybe I should still say that when a person never ever says "no", that person truly, really, definitely, does NOT have capacity to consent to sex (yet). and this hurts the other person too fucking much. cuz "a yes means nothing when you don't ever say no".

Maybe I should shock hubby by saying that I've changed my mind about fisting & that I now see that scary shit as a beautiful expression of love between two people. If he says he's prepared to let me do that to him, there's truly no hope left for him/us.

 

[Snake of Eden]

Maybe I should shock hubby by saying that I've changed my mind about fisting & that I now see that scary shit as a beautiful expression of love between two people. If he says he's prepared to let me do that to him, there's truly no hope left for him/us.

so fucking romantic

 

[little helpers]

Maybe I should shock hubby by saying that I've changed my mind about fisting & that I now see that scary shit as a beautiful expression of love between two people. If he says he's prepared to let me do that to him, there's truly no hope left for him/us.

rotfl lolololol. sorry, can't help laughing. I don't get y'all fisting kind of people. maybe you meant it sincerely, that case I'm truly sorry. I just hope you didn't. head fucking combusted into fireworks reading that lol.

 

[Snake of Eden]

rotfl lolololol. sorry, can't help laughing. I don't get y'all fisting kind of people. maybe you meant it sincerely, that case I'm truly sorry. I just hope you didn't. head fucking combusted into fireworks reading that lol.

Fisting is so much fun and very intimate

 

[motel rooms]

so fucking romantic

Exactly. C'mon, baby, you know you want me to lovingly shove that huge bouquet I bought you where the sun turns brown.

 

[Dot]

Exactly. C'mon, baby, you know you want me to lovingly shove that huge bouquet I bought you where the sun turns brown.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I don't know if other people get turned on by kindness

I do, I didn't think anyone else did either. Maybe not in the same way, or maybe it is, and we respond to it a little differently, but yeah.
I suppose I'll expand, it makes me want to do stuff for the other person. Yeah, I went there, lol. Since its NSFW but you get me, not just -that- kind of stuff though.
Might explain why people are attracted to me as well and I could never figure out why that is.
If it's not just me turned on by kindness I guess that could explain it.

mild tw - oh not really someone already brought up CPTSD I see now.
I wonder if its related to our conditions. Anyone else around here turned on by kindness?

 

[Snake of Eden]

Anyone else around here turned on by kindness?

Oh yes big time. Unfortunately I almost never been with anyone who is really kind. %98 person of people i been with were douchebag so I dont really have first hand experience what it is like to be with someone who is kind and generous. It is very attractive to be kind

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Chemsex would kill me. I'd probably break into a zoo at night & try to fuck actual bears, otters & wolves.

same but fantasy shit with minotaurs and dragons probably. ngl curious af anyway

edit: I'm joking lol unsure if came across as serious or not :D

 

[OrcWitch]

This post was surprisingly relatable. Hopefully he is able to ease your guilt by forming a boundary or something.

 

[motel rooms]

I do, I didn't think anyone else did either. Maybe not in the same way, or maybe it is, and we respond to it a little differently, but yeah.
I suppose I'll expand, it makes me want to do stuff for the other person. Yeah, I went there, lol. Since its NSFW but you get me, not just -that- kind of stuff though.

Oh, it makes me want to do stuff for my partner too, both in the bedroom & everywhere else. The only thing I really care about in life is sharing everything I have with him & protecting him. I value his opinions, I do everything I can to help him improve his self-esteem & open his damn mouth instead of suffering in silence. I want him to understand he's not dumb just because he isn't educated & that he isn't a piece of trash just because so many despicable people have treated him like one.

I'm many things, but I'm definitely not a selfish lover, I get a huge thrill out of being gentle & giving. To put it crudely, which is something I always end up doing, I spend loads of time massaging, kissing & licking his muscles, teasing & sucking his cock & rimming him. I don't treat him like a sex doll, I don't just stick my dick in his butt & pound away. I know he likes being penetrated because he stays hard. The problem is that I sometimes can't help but gradually get rougher & I that I don't stop when he loses his boner because he says he can take it.

mild tw - oh not really someone already brought up CPTSD I see now.
Anyone else around here turned on by kindness? I wonder if its related to our conditions.

Perhaps. I consider myself quite lucky because a lot of abused/traumatized kids grow up to be doormats who attract heartless assholes.