I can't stand this agony anymore!!!!

[Butterflyfree]

I want to CTB so very much. I am ready. I want and need to go so badly. I am in unimaginable pain and suffering from terrible disabilities and illnesses. My method is nitrogen and exit bag. I have everything ready for when my date is.

But I am terrified of failure. I know the chances of failure are low but I'm still terrified. But to continue on is causing so much psychological damage to me and further suffering. I am in absolute agonizing hell and I don't know what to do. I can't go on like this. I can't face another day in this terror of failure. I don't know what to do about it. How do I make it stop?????

 

[9kevinngannou]

I'd love to help you if I could, I really would. I don't know what to say other than I genuinely hope you can exit in a succesful manner.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I wish you the best in your endeavor. You should be legally assisted by a medical professional. I'm sorry that this is not available to you. That is not right

 

[sadnurse]

I'm so sorry, I feel the same way tonight, I'm also struggling with Heath issues that have made life unbearable for me….

 

[ClownMe]

I hope you exit peacefully if it's your time to go. This existence is so excruciating.

 

[blueclover_.]

With exit bag, make sure your hands are tied up or blocked by a furniture so your SI won't kick in and try to rip the bag. And make sure the pressure is JUST enough to let you exhale CO2 normally so it builds up slowly and makes you inhale a large amount of Nitrogen faster. Lock the door or go somewhere isolated. Safe travels bud.

 

[FuneralCry]

Nobody should have to resort to methods that can fail in the first place, we all deserve a peaceful, reliable exit. The fear of failure holds me back, but of course many people have successfully ctb. I think to lower the chances of failure, knowledge and planning of the method is needed. It really is horrible being alive, our own bodies are capable of torturing us and there is no escape apart from death. I wish you the best with your plans, I hope you find peace and freedom from suffering.

 

[My_name_is_Luka]

maybe if you want to feel more comfortable, test the bag. place it on something that resembles your neck (not hard to find) or head. Check how tight you have to close the opening of the bag. Check if it can be dislodged by movements. You could also blow air inside with a tube to check that it does withstand pressure and how it deflates.
Try to pull it over your head in the same way that you will do when the bus is coming.
I think those are the most delicate details that are making you nervous.

 

[tryingtoescape]

I'm sorry, I feel the same. I am so terrified too. It's horrific. I just want to escape these medical conditions, and I feel trapped. It's hell on earth. I'm also terrified of failure. What has helped me is reminding myself of the mortality rate for my options and going over the steps. I'm not sure what the mortality rate of nitrogen exit is, but it might calm you down too to write these things down or say them aloud to yourself. It has also helped me to do practice runs to desensitize myself. I think obsessing about details gets in the way of our plans, but I can't just shut it off because the consequences of failure and not being able to die are so traumatic to even think about. I obsess about not being able to die and it increases my suffering so much. There are moments that the obsessing lessens and I feel calm about my method and in those moments I feel the most calm. Almost constantly, I feel like screaming from how agonizing this is and sometimes I do just scream. The suffering is unbearable. I hope you find peace.

 

[Butterflyfree]

maybe if you want to feel more comfortable, test the bag. place it on something that resembles your neck (not hard to find) or head. Check how tight you have to close the opening of the bag. Check if it can be dislodged by movements. You could also blow air inside with a tube to check that it does withstand pressure and how it deflates.
Try to pull it over your head in the same way that you will do when the bus is coming.
I think those are the most delicate details that are making you nervous.

@My_name_is_Luka I have done a test with nitrogen flowing into bag checked for leaks and all that. I still fear failing. It's just an inheritant fear that's not going to go away I don't think.

I'm sorry, I feel the same. I am so terrified too. It's horrific. I just want to escape these medical conditions, and I feel trapped. It's hell on earth. I'm also terrified of failure. What has helped me is reminding myself of the mortality rate for my options and going over the steps. I'm not sure what the mortality rate of nitrogen exit is, but it might calm you down too to write these things down or say them aloud to yourself. It has also helped me to do practice runs to desensitize myself. I think obsessing about details gets in the way of our plans, but I can't just shut it off because the consequences of failure and not being able to die are so traumatic to even think about. I obsess about not being able to die and it increases my suffering so much. There are moments that the obsessing lessens and I feel calm about my method and in those moments I feel the most calm. Almost constantly, I feel like screaming from how agonizing this is and sometimes I do just scream. The suffering is unbearable. I hope you find peace.

@tryingtoescape Thank you so much for your comforting words. I feel and understand your agony because I'm feeling the same. I too have those calm moments of clarity and peace but they never last for long. I have done some practice runs. But still won't know for sure until it's the real deal and that is overwhelming and so terrifying.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I want to CTB so very much. I am ready. I want and need to go so badly. I am in unimaginable pain and suffering from terrible disabilities and illnesses. My method is nitrogen and exit bag. I have everything ready for when my date is.

But I am terrified of failure. I know the chances of failure are low but I'm still terrified. But to continue on is causing so much psychological damage to me and further suffering. I am in absolute agonizing hell and I don't know what to do. I can't go on like this. I can't face another day in this terror of failure. I don't know what to do about it. How do I make it stop?????

I'm sorry, I feel the same. I am so terrified too. It's horrific. I just want to escape these medical conditions, and I feel trapped. It's hell on earth. I'm also terrified of failure. What has helped me is reminding myself of the mortality rate for my options and going over the steps. I'm not sure what the mortality rate of nitrogen exit is, but it might calm you down too to write these things down or say them aloud to yourself. It has also helped me to do practice runs to desensitize myself. I think obsessing about details gets in the way of our plans, but I can't just shut it off because the consequences of failure and not being able to die are so traumatic to even think about. I obsess about not being able to die and it increases my suffering so much. There are moments that the obsessing lessens and I feel calm about my method and in those moments I feel the most calm. Almost constantly, I feel like screaming from how agonizing this is and sometimes I do just scream. The suffering is unbearable. I hope you find peace.

i am terified of failure and remaining alive with brain damage.

Although my method might be different. i fear brain damage too.

i feel caught in a horrible trap ( the trap of life ). i so wish i were never born then i wouldn't be in this hell.

i have to ctb . It's not like i'm not going to age , get old and die. i will every human will. And imo who wouldn't want to ctb at some point? At some point the brain will start to decay into dementia usually in old age but can happen earlier too. Also mobility declines until barely able to do anything : yes pro-lifers that happens in old age to most people imo . i worked in a nursing home for elderly . Pure nightmares. Such a wonderful life they say , the "golden years" they say.

 

[Dear Agony]

I am in the same situation, except the only reason I'm alive atm isn't fear of failure, it's my mom. I don't know how long I can keep doing this for though. Everyday is agony. I wish death was more simple.

 

[Mardiha]

I am sorry we are going through this…dying should not be so scary and hard. I am feeling the same way with my method…I obsess about it…wake up at night and it hits me what if it doesn't work then what!? The thought of it not working terrifies me so badly that yes I obsess about it daily…well actually every few minutes. So I have even been looking into alternatives…like going to Switzerland for assisted suicide where they do it for any medical condition basically. Though I'm so sick to fly so far…and it is not cheap but I just need to relax myself and feel like if my method doesn't work I have options just so I can calm down…but that is not guaranteed either..I am researching more. Also, my country is suppose to approve assisted suicide for mental health in 2023 but I can't wait that long and then what if they have stipulations I don't fit etc…so I totally understand what your going through…it's absolutely terrifying and I just want this over with so badly..I wish I had the guts to have done it already.