Venting I can’t stand myself.

[remembertherain]

Multiple diagnosed mental health conditions, years without adequate care, continuous neglect from my caregivers. As a human being, I feel completely faulty and dysfunctional. I cannot eat without anger of sustaining a body I hate, I cannot breathe properly due to the continuous thrashing of my heart shallowing every breath, I cannot leave my room out of fear that literally anything that could go wrong can and will, cannot stay in my room because every sound of a car pulling into my estate triggers my ptsd, I cannot keep up my personal hygiene because I have no will nor care. I feel completely and utterly useless. I am so beyond words in my hatred of being alive every single day without ever feeling present. Suicidal numbness surpassed only by irrational hysteria. I yearn for death not because I don't want to be here with the few I love, but I'm so tired of the knowing that I AM here despite never feeling corporeal or functional enough for it to be worth the struggle. I completely and truly believe that I will never be worth the wait or effort, and have felt that way since the moment I knew this life is all I have. Yet, I am a coward. The same anxiety that wracks my life in instability keeps me from freedom of it.
Keeping up this front is so exhausting. I'm so tired. I'm so tired.

 

[lemonandcapers]

It sounds like you are going through so much mentally and are not having your needs met. I can imagine how tiring that must be to have to deal with. I may not be able to fully understand what you are going through, but I have PTSD as well. One little thing sent me into a mental health crisis that is still ongoing, and I am only barely surviving. At one point, all I did was curl up in the corner and cry while having a panic attack. I hope you are able to find peace, no matter what that looks like