Venting I can't shake the feeling of being undeserving of my want to CTB

[barravan]

I've grown up in a stable household, parents who love me, a support system that can care for me, overall I have it surprisingly good, but that doesn't stop me wanting to CTB. I can't socialize with other people, and I find that when I do I regret it.

Because of how fortunate I am, I feel a sense of selfishness for doing so. Like there's all this being handed to me yet I throw it away.

It may be true that the selfishness I feel is really an aspiration to live, but I dont think so. I really don't like living, and I would much rather not feel anything.

I dont know if selfishness is even the right word. For the sake of my undefined feeling, I'll just call it "bad". I feel bad for using the internet to discuss my death. I feel bad continuing doing work although deadlines don't have to matter if I CTB. I feel bad for maturation because every time I do it, it makes me so much happier, but it never lasts, and I feel bad when its over, its essentially a drug for me.

I'd describe bad as the aching feeling i get in my stomach, my shoulders clenching, feeling pressure around my upper chest. It comes in goes, but I know it will always come back.

The small hits of pleasure I feel are completely outweighed by the displeasure, yet im manipulated by my pleasure into thinking CTB is irrational.

I don't have a question, but I'd appreciate insight.

 

[Hvergelmir]

I don't have a question, but I'd appreciate insight.

I don't think underserving or irrational, are quite right. It's your life, and you do what you want with it. If you end it, you'll end displeasure, along with everything else. It's not irrational.

You seem to have an environment where it ought to be possible to be content, though. Have you tried talking to a psychiatrist? You seem more keen on ending displeasure, than ending life altogether. Suicide might be a bit excessive, if there are less extreme options available.

 

[barravan]

I don't think underserving or irrational, are quite right. It's your life, and you do what you want with it. If you end it, you'll end displeasure, along with everything else. It's not irrational.

You seem to have an environment where it ought to be possible to be content, though. Have you tried talking to a psychiatrist? You seem more keen on ending displeasure, than ending life altogether. Suicide might be a bit excessive, if there are less extreme options available.

There are a lot of options of help available. It's part of the reason I feel so bad, it feels unwarranted. I'm on an antidepressants and seeing a therapist, and even after changing therapists and medication multiple time, it seems nothing works. So yeah, I've tried my options, or at least some of them.