Dainhla
"Lifetimes live to die"
- May 28, 2023
- 60
I've made a plan for my future CTB. Following it would mean that my life will end next year in peaceful and calm conditions, thanks to the purchase of Xanax and oxycodone that will bring my death in a very calm way. The final day will be the same night of my graduation, so my plan consists in just lie to everybody that I'm okay, that I'm doing great, that I'm the tireless student that always is looking for perfection, the good daughter that always follows her parents' advice, the introvert girl of the group of friends that is kind and always is there to listen, although nobody is there to listen to her.
That is my plan, but sometimes I struggle a lot to stick to it, because I want to end it all in that moment. I have enough pills (not benzos, 'cause I'm not medicated, which means that the death will not be as calm as the one in my plan) and razor blades to -more or less- assure my death, but what if it goes wrong? What if they found me before the shadow of death rips my soul from my body?
Knowing that the reasons of not ending all today are:
1. If I follow the plan I can book a hotel room the same graduation day and as my family will think that I'm at the graduation after-party, I can ensure my death without any disturbances.
2. If I do it now, people will have the wrong idea that I did that in reason of the academic pressure of being an IB student, and there's a lot of hate in my school towards the IB, so this will just smear its reputation.
3. I don't have my own bathroom (place were I want to drown after taking the pills) and nearly always there's someone of my family at home. This means that I've a lot of possibilities of getting caught before death reaches me.
I can't decide by myself. When those indecisive moments arrive, I can't bare the pros and cons of the two options. What should I do? Can someone help me?
That is my plan, but sometimes I struggle a lot to stick to it, because I want to end it all in that moment. I have enough pills (not benzos, 'cause I'm not medicated, which means that the death will not be as calm as the one in my plan) and razor blades to -more or less- assure my death, but what if it goes wrong? What if they found me before the shadow of death rips my soul from my body?
Knowing that the reasons of not ending all today are:
1. If I follow the plan I can book a hotel room the same graduation day and as my family will think that I'm at the graduation after-party, I can ensure my death without any disturbances.
2. If I do it now, people will have the wrong idea that I did that in reason of the academic pressure of being an IB student, and there's a lot of hate in my school towards the IB, so this will just smear its reputation.
3. I don't have my own bathroom (place were I want to drown after taking the pills) and nearly always there's someone of my family at home. This means that I've a lot of possibilities of getting caught before death reaches me.
I can't decide by myself. When those indecisive moments arrive, I can't bare the pros and cons of the two options. What should I do? Can someone help me?
