Maybe I am a little bit too deterministic about my own life. I would assess the likelihood that my life ends with suicide by far more than 50%. I elaborated on it myriads of times. And don't get me wrong. Depression and mental illness can lead to thinking fallacies and a way too pessmistic mindset. Depressed people tend to be very negative about their future and their own self. And sometimes that is not rational.
But i just see it with so many other people. I think of 3 people.
I have a severely autistic friend. For the first time in his life he wants to try out dating. I think his dating chances might be even worse than mine. And mine are bad as fuck don't misunderstand me. He is often a very optimistic guy. And today he told me he is glad he never was in a relationship otherwise this would decrease his chances with other women. They would see it as a burden. I complimented him for his outer appearance. This will hurt as hell (the rejections - mine hurt extremely). He is in his mid-twenties and similar to me he never was in a relationship. This certainly won't help him in the dating market. I feel sorry for him. At least he has money. In contrast to me.
The second person is my sister. The last time we met I was stunned. She was my old sister again. After her psychoses she has become pretty slow and deteriorated a lot. The last time we met she was sharp again. I am not sure why but I suspect something. I think she decreased or even stopped taking her antipsychotic medication. In the shortrun most people will be in a better shape but in almost all cases this is only temperory before the relapse happens. I really hope that won't happen. The finances of my family would benefit a lot of it. I would be happy for her despite our differences. But I expect the worst to happen. I will try to warn her. But I think she cannot be stopped now.
The last one is the bipolar woman I text with. She is always so fucking optimistic. In contrast to me. She seems to me to be so fucking naive. Her life was a complete mess the last decade. She still clings to her dream to become a (...) (I will leave that blank too scared to get identified). It is very hopeless. It needs very long to be successful in this profession. In college she barely achieved anything. I don't even dare to ask her in which semester she actually is because I am scared it could make her sad. Objectively she needs a master to get that job and I think she barely has made any progress in college so far. She is close to 30.
She had to sue in order to keep going in college because she barely made progress. She made a cheeky comment on me recently. I would be stuck in a role/notion of myself as a hopless ill person (alludding this would be delusional). I find that kind of provocative. She does not want to talk about suicidality online. I cannot even explain myself. I am sort of pissed because of that. She seems to be delusional to me. Not pathologically (currently) but her relation with life. She also says (she was homeless once) she does not care about money at all. There was no real difference in her level of happiness when she lived on the streets. She was fucking raped there on the streets... She is intelligent and a friendly woman. But her life is heading nowhere. She made a lot of progress recently because people invested time and resources into her. But everyone who is rational sees that the chance for getting into that job which is her big dream is astronomically small. Wonders happen don't get me wrong. But usually they don't happen.
Many winners in life are optimistic. They have this winner mindset. There is a Juice WRLD song where at the end you can hear his voice where he says to his audience something similar to. "You can achieve anything you want (also to become a famous rapper). You only have to believe in it. And if people disagree with you tell them: Bitch suck my dick!". Well Juice and Peep played the lottery and hit the jackpot. But just by reasoning not everyone can reach that. This is simply unrealistic. Most people will never achieve something like becoming a famous rapper. But it is true only their optimism made them successful. Because they and others) believed in them.
There are pros and cons for being optimistic. Depending on the circumstances and individual different cognitive interventions might be helpful.
I am kind of angry this bipolar woman treats me like I was distorted one cognitively. I am too deterministic about my future that might be true. But she did not even listen to all my arguments on which I build my case. She instead simply is optmistic because it has a utility for her. She told me in contrast to me she does not want to give up in life. This is another insult to me. I am fighting like a fucking idiot. I think barely anyone would underego this torture in college due to the fact how much this shit triggers me daily. In this instance I am fighting way more than her.
Simply by stating the fact that my suicide eventually is very likely and also that it is very unlikely my nervous system could stomach any usual (part-time) job I am not giving up. I am just explaining my reality in how I perceive myself daily and past experiences with working.
I don't know I should calm down now but actually posting in this forum really stabilizes me. On days I don't write threads I sleep worse and I wake up earlier. Usually I sleep better when I posted a long ass thread. I am not really certain why. There might be different explanations. In the past I described it as anti-manic effect. And it sort of describes it quite well. Depression protects me from mania. It calms me down at the end of the day.
But i just see it with so many other people. I think of 3 people.
I have a severely autistic friend. For the first time in his life he wants to try out dating. I think his dating chances might be even worse than mine. And mine are bad as fuck don't misunderstand me. He is often a very optimistic guy. And today he told me he is glad he never was in a relationship otherwise this would decrease his chances with other women. They would see it as a burden. I complimented him for his outer appearance. This will hurt as hell (the rejections - mine hurt extremely). He is in his mid-twenties and similar to me he never was in a relationship. This certainly won't help him in the dating market. I feel sorry for him. At least he has money. In contrast to me.
The second person is my sister. The last time we met I was stunned. She was my old sister again. After her psychoses she has become pretty slow and deteriorated a lot. The last time we met she was sharp again. I am not sure why but I suspect something. I think she decreased or even stopped taking her antipsychotic medication. In the shortrun most people will be in a better shape but in almost all cases this is only temperory before the relapse happens. I really hope that won't happen. The finances of my family would benefit a lot of it. I would be happy for her despite our differences. But I expect the worst to happen. I will try to warn her. But I think she cannot be stopped now.
The last one is the bipolar woman I text with. She is always so fucking optimistic. In contrast to me. She seems to me to be so fucking naive. Her life was a complete mess the last decade. She still clings to her dream to become a (...) (I will leave that blank too scared to get identified). It is very hopeless. It needs very long to be successful in this profession. In college she barely achieved anything. I don't even dare to ask her in which semester she actually is because I am scared it could make her sad. Objectively she needs a master to get that job and I think she barely has made any progress in college so far. She is close to 30.
She had to sue in order to keep going in college because she barely made progress. She made a cheeky comment on me recently. I would be stuck in a role/notion of myself as a hopless ill person (alludding this would be delusional). I find that kind of provocative. She does not want to talk about suicidality online. I cannot even explain myself. I am sort of pissed because of that. She seems to be delusional to me. Not pathologically (currently) but her relation with life. She also says (she was homeless once) she does not care about money at all. There was no real difference in her level of happiness when she lived on the streets. She was fucking raped there on the streets... She is intelligent and a friendly woman. But her life is heading nowhere. She made a lot of progress recently because people invested time and resources into her. But everyone who is rational sees that the chance for getting into that job which is her big dream is astronomically small. Wonders happen don't get me wrong. But usually they don't happen.
Many winners in life are optimistic. They have this winner mindset. There is a Juice WRLD song where at the end you can hear his voice where he says to his audience something similar to. "You can achieve anything you want (also to become a famous rapper). You only have to believe in it. And if people disagree with you tell them: Bitch suck my dick!". Well Juice and Peep played the lottery and hit the jackpot. But just by reasoning not everyone can reach that. This is simply unrealistic. Most people will never achieve something like becoming a famous rapper. But it is true only their optimism made them successful. Because they and others) believed in them.
There are pros and cons for being optimistic. Depending on the circumstances and individual different cognitive interventions might be helpful.
I am kind of angry this bipolar woman treats me like I was distorted one cognitively. I am too deterministic about my future that might be true. But she did not even listen to all my arguments on which I build my case. She instead simply is optmistic because it has a utility for her. She told me in contrast to me she does not want to give up in life. This is another insult to me. I am fighting like a fucking idiot. I think barely anyone would underego this torture in college due to the fact how much this shit triggers me daily. In this instance I am fighting way more than her.
Simply by stating the fact that my suicide eventually is very likely and also that it is very unlikely my nervous system could stomach any usual (part-time) job I am not giving up. I am just explaining my reality in how I perceive myself daily and past experiences with working.
I don't know I should calm down now but actually posting in this forum really stabilizes me. On days I don't write threads I sleep worse and I wake up earlier. Usually I sleep better when I posted a long ass thread. I am not really certain why. There might be different explanations. In the past I described it as anti-manic effect. And it sort of describes it quite well. Depression protects me from mania. It calms me down at the end of the day.
