kurikaesu
the cause which isn't caused itself by anything
- Mar 15, 2026
- 31
hello ya'll. i have an online bf i've been in contact with since late 2020 or early 2021. i hate it so much, and i hate that i find value in it.
i'm sure you've seen, various memes or jokes about online relationships, or alternatively, about online bullying and such. "just block them" "turn your phone off" "close the screen". these types of comments made by people who've never found themselves deep in the rabbit hole. 80% of my romantic relationships have been online. i also barely consider them to be "real". and yet here i am, being severely impacted and hurt by them. weirdly, they've all been men, while my very few irl romantic relationships were all women in middle school-early highschool. so those barely count either. and yet here i am, agonizing over them all.
one of, if not the first, of my online bfs were when i was 12. i catfished this guy who i played Destiny with, who thought i was a 13 or 14 year old + the opposite gender of what i considered myself to be at the time. (side note: there was another time in my life where i lied about my gender online, funny foreshadowing for the years to come). i remember eventually blocking him and his friends one day out of the blue because I got bored with him.
flash forward a while, and the next two notable instances of this was right after a breakup with my last IRL girlfriend. I was freshly transgender and still in highschool here as well. There was a Romanian guy, and i'd talk to him about vtubers/anime. we'd do voice calls and my voice barely passed enough for him, but he seemed suspicious still. regardless, we'd talk sexually and we'd show each other music. I broke up with him by revealing i was transgender and he freaked out, stopping contact with me. RIGHT after this, i got into conversations with a different guy I was talking to around the same time. He knew I was trans, and eventually he became trans as well, as far as i know he, now she, is still trans. she liked deathcore a lot, and we'd roleplay/sext, something i was really into back then. i remember telling her about a fetish i had and we'd rp around it, i thought she was fine with it until one day she randomly posted on her story "___ are cringe" and continued to do it with me. she was extremely dry and eventually with the help of a friend i stopped talking to her since it was clear we slightly hated each other. i forgot to mention, but all three of us, including the romanian guy, knew each other and they'd talk about various ways on how to fuck me before i cut contact with one of them. i was still a minor at the time - there's no way this did damage on my young mind right? lol.
and after that, we reach the person of interest in this post. for short i'll refer to him as J. I started talking to J around the same time as the romanian guy, and for the first year he only sent reels to me. i rarely ever sent them back but after a very slow process we gradually talked more. i have to quickly mention i clearly have an issue here with all these men i've dated online. i usually instigated something sexual, and they'd get hooked in somehow, and thats how the romantic relationship always started. J was no different. I assume i do this because of some unsatisfied sexual need within myself. i was addicted to masturbation for a long time, only until late last year did i finally "fix" it. that's it's own story though.
I don't know what happened with J, and why i've been with him for so long. I've also never seen his face throughout the 5-6 years we've known each other. this kills me, because i do show my face and body to him periodically. i take cute or lewd pictures of myself and send for attention. sometimes i reduce him to just a tool, a way for me to feel good about myself, and vice versa i think he thinks the same way about me sometimes. a lot of what we talk about revolves around sex, porn or masturbation. but we also talk about food, we play video games together within this larger friend group of people who i really care about. if J vanished i'd still stay friends with these people for a long time. there's a clear relationship between us beyond sex though, and often we'll talk about things we're dealing with like work, struggles, interests and having innocent conversation. i really can't not say it but - i really do love him. it pains me to think about possibly meeting him IRL though. we talk about the "what ifs" if we knew each other irl, but i never take them too seriously, because if i was given the chance to meet him i'd panic and try to get out of it. i'm a virgin and so is he, and he's a couple years older than me. he knows all the things about me i've already mentioned. obviously theres serious chemistry if we've been talking consistently for so long, and loving each other for so long, but i've never seen his fucking face. not even a picture of his hand or skin or anything. we live somewhat close too, just a couple states away, and we've been to a couple of the same places before just at different times. we know so much about each other and how our lives work and function, and i cant bring myself to ask for a photo of him.
i should mention too, i've tried to break up with him already sometime this year. i remember freaking out and cutting myself, hovering my finger over the "send" button. he took it somewhat well and said that he "expected it" because of how shit my mental health has been. i had to re assure him i wasn't going to kill myself afterwards. i was probably more emotionally affected then he was, but i have no right to say that when i really don't know. i pleaded for us to stay friends and we did. he said he was gonna miss talking "lovey dovey" towards me, but genuinely maybe a month later we were back on our bullshit. i predicted that was going to happen though, and i cant tell how i feel about that whole event transpiring. if i want to get rid of him i'll have to cut contact somehow.
why do i have to get rid of him though? because if i don't our relationship will become stagnant, as it does from time to time. we'll always be left wanting more while we get this temporary comfort of each other. the next step would really be to meet each other but i cant get over not knowing what he looks like right now, and i cant get over loathing the idea of an IRL relationship. obviously i want one, but i'm scared and would rather just wither away and die alone than confront those needs and desires. and genuinely, in all honesty, i'd rather have a girlfriend.
with men it feels like compensation or a compromise. having a girlfriend would be "the real deal" for me. but i just don't know. i assume i'll be like this with a girl too if i got comfortable with one, just extremely more shameful and self-doubting. to the point it lapses in on itself through various backtracking that i end up back where i am now, not allowing myself to possibly hurt them emotionally at all. just like how it'd be better to have never been born, it'd be best for the both of us we'd just never meet. thats not inherently true either, its just my brain making stupid assumptions. i'll get scared and shameful before i even reach 2nd base with a girlfriend, because i don't want her to see everything i hate about myself. i don't want her to wish i was someone else, i don't want her to feel like she's also compensating with some tranny. idealistically she'd love me for all my flaws, and i'd love her for all of her's too, but we're talking about humans here and idealized fantasy. i cant help but think she'd feel that way, even just a little bit. why leave J at this point then? we're already comfortable with each other. i have a preference for women but that hasn't stopped us. he also has a preference thats being compensated for by me being trans and he still finds value in me somehow. i haven't even mentioned the whole thing about 'people online only showing off the parts of themselves they want other people to see' yet, something i know i do.
curse it all, y'know?
i'm sure you've seen, various memes or jokes about online relationships, or alternatively, about online bullying and such. "just block them" "turn your phone off" "close the screen". these types of comments made by people who've never found themselves deep in the rabbit hole. 80% of my romantic relationships have been online. i also barely consider them to be "real". and yet here i am, being severely impacted and hurt by them. weirdly, they've all been men, while my very few irl romantic relationships were all women in middle school-early highschool. so those barely count either. and yet here i am, agonizing over them all.
one of, if not the first, of my online bfs were when i was 12. i catfished this guy who i played Destiny with, who thought i was a 13 or 14 year old + the opposite gender of what i considered myself to be at the time. (side note: there was another time in my life where i lied about my gender online, funny foreshadowing for the years to come). i remember eventually blocking him and his friends one day out of the blue because I got bored with him.
flash forward a while, and the next two notable instances of this was right after a breakup with my last IRL girlfriend. I was freshly transgender and still in highschool here as well. There was a Romanian guy, and i'd talk to him about vtubers/anime. we'd do voice calls and my voice barely passed enough for him, but he seemed suspicious still. regardless, we'd talk sexually and we'd show each other music. I broke up with him by revealing i was transgender and he freaked out, stopping contact with me. RIGHT after this, i got into conversations with a different guy I was talking to around the same time. He knew I was trans, and eventually he became trans as well, as far as i know he, now she, is still trans. she liked deathcore a lot, and we'd roleplay/sext, something i was really into back then. i remember telling her about a fetish i had and we'd rp around it, i thought she was fine with it until one day she randomly posted on her story "___ are cringe" and continued to do it with me. she was extremely dry and eventually with the help of a friend i stopped talking to her since it was clear we slightly hated each other. i forgot to mention, but all three of us, including the romanian guy, knew each other and they'd talk about various ways on how to fuck me before i cut contact with one of them. i was still a minor at the time - there's no way this did damage on my young mind right? lol.
and after that, we reach the person of interest in this post. for short i'll refer to him as J. I started talking to J around the same time as the romanian guy, and for the first year he only sent reels to me. i rarely ever sent them back but after a very slow process we gradually talked more. i have to quickly mention i clearly have an issue here with all these men i've dated online. i usually instigated something sexual, and they'd get hooked in somehow, and thats how the romantic relationship always started. J was no different. I assume i do this because of some unsatisfied sexual need within myself. i was addicted to masturbation for a long time, only until late last year did i finally "fix" it. that's it's own story though.
I don't know what happened with J, and why i've been with him for so long. I've also never seen his face throughout the 5-6 years we've known each other. this kills me, because i do show my face and body to him periodically. i take cute or lewd pictures of myself and send for attention. sometimes i reduce him to just a tool, a way for me to feel good about myself, and vice versa i think he thinks the same way about me sometimes. a lot of what we talk about revolves around sex, porn or masturbation. but we also talk about food, we play video games together within this larger friend group of people who i really care about. if J vanished i'd still stay friends with these people for a long time. there's a clear relationship between us beyond sex though, and often we'll talk about things we're dealing with like work, struggles, interests and having innocent conversation. i really can't not say it but - i really do love him. it pains me to think about possibly meeting him IRL though. we talk about the "what ifs" if we knew each other irl, but i never take them too seriously, because if i was given the chance to meet him i'd panic and try to get out of it. i'm a virgin and so is he, and he's a couple years older than me. he knows all the things about me i've already mentioned. obviously theres serious chemistry if we've been talking consistently for so long, and loving each other for so long, but i've never seen his fucking face. not even a picture of his hand or skin or anything. we live somewhat close too, just a couple states away, and we've been to a couple of the same places before just at different times. we know so much about each other and how our lives work and function, and i cant bring myself to ask for a photo of him.
i should mention too, i've tried to break up with him already sometime this year. i remember freaking out and cutting myself, hovering my finger over the "send" button. he took it somewhat well and said that he "expected it" because of how shit my mental health has been. i had to re assure him i wasn't going to kill myself afterwards. i was probably more emotionally affected then he was, but i have no right to say that when i really don't know. i pleaded for us to stay friends and we did. he said he was gonna miss talking "lovey dovey" towards me, but genuinely maybe a month later we were back on our bullshit. i predicted that was going to happen though, and i cant tell how i feel about that whole event transpiring. if i want to get rid of him i'll have to cut contact somehow.
why do i have to get rid of him though? because if i don't our relationship will become stagnant, as it does from time to time. we'll always be left wanting more while we get this temporary comfort of each other. the next step would really be to meet each other but i cant get over not knowing what he looks like right now, and i cant get over loathing the idea of an IRL relationship. obviously i want one, but i'm scared and would rather just wither away and die alone than confront those needs and desires. and genuinely, in all honesty, i'd rather have a girlfriend.
with men it feels like compensation or a compromise. having a girlfriend would be "the real deal" for me. but i just don't know. i assume i'll be like this with a girl too if i got comfortable with one, just extremely more shameful and self-doubting. to the point it lapses in on itself through various backtracking that i end up back where i am now, not allowing myself to possibly hurt them emotionally at all. just like how it'd be better to have never been born, it'd be best for the both of us we'd just never meet. thats not inherently true either, its just my brain making stupid assumptions. i'll get scared and shameful before i even reach 2nd base with a girlfriend, because i don't want her to see everything i hate about myself. i don't want her to wish i was someone else, i don't want her to feel like she's also compensating with some tranny. idealistically she'd love me for all my flaws, and i'd love her for all of her's too, but we're talking about humans here and idealized fantasy. i cant help but think she'd feel that way, even just a little bit. why leave J at this point then? we're already comfortable with each other. i have a preference for women but that hasn't stopped us. he also has a preference thats being compensated for by me being trans and he still finds value in me somehow. i haven't even mentioned the whole thing about 'people online only showing off the parts of themselves they want other people to see' yet, something i know i do.
curse it all, y'know?
