Venting i cant give life

[highheelhell]

i never really understood how perfect my life became until i lost it. i clawed myself back into stability and a genuine sense of happiness that i only realized i had when it was ripped from me, long before it ever was.

i made the grand mistake again of swindling another soul into putting up with me. i would do absolutely anything to fulfill him and to trick myself into believing he loves me. we havent been together long, but weve spoken in passing about the future we would want. he mentioned kids and i almost threw up.

i can never have children. i cant bring life into this world. ive known it since i was a child but i cant fucking stand it when i know ill forever be the reason a person i love cant fulfill his dream. i dont deserve him.

i want to break up with him, but every time i try i realize this is probably the only person in the world who would be generous enough to settle for a roach like me. its selfish. im selfish. as selfish as i am for wanting kids so badly, im even more selfish for tying myself to him. he tried to hedge it by suggesting adoption or something but that just dug deeper into my soul.

im a worthless piece of meat that cant even momentarily pleasure anybody. im barren. more life will sprout from my corpse than from me.

ever since we first started talking about it and he brought it all back to my mind, i spend so much of my time alone crying that i cant work properly. i just think he's cheating on me with someone better, who can treat him better. i hope he is. i think of the child who was ripped from my arms before i he was even a thought.

i would have named him Noah. ill never be able to see him grow up. ill never be a real parent and ill never make a husband happy. ive already failed a nonexistent family in every way possible.

i lie to everyone and it weighs on my soul. i thought i was cured of these thoughts and that i wasnt going to ctb ever but now its literally the only solution. my life was over before it started.

 

[U. A.]

maybe not the advice you want but there's more to life than producing progeny. i am aware all of modern industrial patriarchal society perpetuates a falsehood of the opposite. but you can foster, or adopt (though ethics are often dodgy) or teach or be the cool aunt. there's no inherent worth in being able to birth, and hence no loss thereof in the lack of ability.