I can feel it ruining me more

[Xila]

The only thing I've ever wanted to do was go to med school. It was the only thing I fancied. And the only reason I wanted to go, was so one day I could provide for her. I went into college knowing I wanted that. She's gone now. It's my 3rd year, going into my final year. My GPA dropped, I haven't taken the MCAT yet, idk how I'm gonna pull myself to study for it anymore.
I'd be shocked if I got in with how much my GPA dropped, but even if I did, then what? I didn't want to find someone else, the goal wasn't to find a wife. The goal was just her. It's hard to explain but that's just what it was.
I Can't study anymore, and I'm just watching the clock, knowing I'm probably not gonna do well in OChem tomorrow.

I'm getting really over everything. Idk how much more I can handle this. Studying knowing I'm just gonna do badly. Staring at papers, unable to focus because she's haunting my mind. Enabled to sleep because I know she'll haunt my dreams. Watching the days go down, knowing either I'll just rejected from different school, or I'll get in and I'll just go through another 4 years of this again.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, that I'm most angry that she took away my ability to end it all. I want that ability back. Every day is just more torment and I can't do it anymore. I just wish someone came and killed me. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time or something I don't know anymore.

 

[Yogih212]

Is her your mother? My condolonces, I know what it is like to lose your mother, and even if it's not your mother just a special loved one that's also hard. Peace and blessings upon you.

 

[Xila]

It's

Is her your mother? My condolonces, I know what it is like to lose your mother, and even if it's not your mother just a special loved one that's also hard. Peace and blessings upon you.

My ex. I know it's silly but it's all I feel now. Before her I had the capability to do it but I failed to ctb.

 

[Yogih212]

I don't want to influence your decision, but I would ask what your ex would want you to do? And it's not silly, no need to say that, it means she meant ALOT to you and that is enough.

 

[Xila]

I don't want to influence your decision, but I would ask what your ex would want you to do? And it's not silly, no need to say that, it means she meant ALOT to you and that is enough.

What she wants is obsolete to me now. She didn't keep her promise so why would I on not ending it?
I'm not doing this out of spite, I'm just saying it's not a constraint anymore. Nor should it be

 

[Yogih212]

What she wants is obsolete to me now. She didn't keep her promise so why would I on not ending it?
I'm not doing this out of spite, I'm just saying it's not a constraint anymore. Nor should it be

I get you, I hope you can find peace in whatever you try and do and that you can make the decisions you want to make from a grounded place, I pray for the same for myself and others for this however ironic it is coming from someone a suicide forum

 

[Xila]

I get you, I hope you can find peace in whatever you try and do and that you can make the decisions you want to make from a grounded place, I pray for the same for myself and others for this however ironic it is coming from someone a suicide forum

Nah I don't blame you. I think deep down we all wanna say that, but we know it doesn't do much because all of us here have heard the same "it'll get better" or "I hope it'll get better" for ages and ages, knowing it won't do anything. It doesn't take away that it means something from your heart though, I don't take that for granted.

 

[Yogih212]

Thanks brother, I appreciate it a lot that you're understanding about what I said. Everyone's situation is different, we don't know why, how and what the reason is for someone wanting to commit suicide. It's a HEAVY decision that I don't think anyone really just does out of nowhere. It takes ALOT out of someone to even consider suicide, let alone plan a day to CBT...

 

[Xila]

Thanks brother, I appreciate it a lot that you're understanding about what I said. Everyone's situation is different, we don't know why, how and what the reason is for someone wanting to commit suicide. It's a HEAVY decision that I don't think anyone really just does out of nowhere. It takes ALOT out of someone to even consider suicide, let alone plan a day to CBT...

I hope God exists so he can recognize the kindness you show. Idk if he does but, if he does I hope he notes yours down

 

[Yogih212]

I hope God exists so he can recognize the kindness you show. Idk if he does but, if he does I hope he notes yours down

I belief in God, I pray now already that if I do end up losing all hope in healing and going full despair with my health situation, with my SN on hand once it arrives, that he may forgive me and make it easy for my family and friends and all people that knew me, so that he may make it easy for them and not let them fall into despair, if I do end up passing away through suicide.

And thank you so much for the kind words. I wish things could be different for everyone here, all people on this forum I think and belief are real warriors, like really. And the people that aren't empathethic towards people considering suicide don't know what it feels like to be in such a hellish state. Whether it's due to an physical illness, mental illness, just sheer emotional stress, life occurences and losses, not everyone can bear things to such an extent, even the ones that fully belief in God and are more spiritually inclined by nature. This life is just hard at times.