Help I can feel everyone laughing at my pain, and I can't tell if I'm imagining it or not

[grey_not_blue]

I have a group I would consider my friends, several fairly close. Lately I've been feeling more empty and drained than usual, and I've been thinking about dying a lot. I haven't outright mentioned this to any of them, but they ignored me completely today at work, I couldn't tell if they saw my pain and chose to ignore it, or if they were secretly laughing at me, or maybe they were just preoccupied and didn't notice. I think they find my pain funny. Everyone else in my life so far laughs when I'm struggling, I'm finding it really hard to trust these friends, even though none of them have given me any concrete reasons not to trust them yet. Every laugh or slightly off look from them feels like it's directed at me secretly, like they all actually just keep me around to laugh at. I feel bad for thinking this way because these are genuinely kind people and it's cruel to think that they're capable of such malice, but the thoughts won't stop. I'm afraid I'm going to lose the last few people who I've begun to trust and feel comfortable around, because I can't believe anyone would actually want me around. When I think like this, I want to die more than ever, and I'm afraid to reach out, because if they did react the way my thoughts are telling me they would, that would kill the last bit of me that still has hope. I'm sinking deeper into the feeling that everyone would be happier if I weren't around. Does anyone have any advice for dealing with thoughts like these? I genuinely like my friends but I'm going to lose them if I can't stop feeling like this.