Venting I am so tired.

[MBiopic]

I feel so tired of being here. I'm tired of the physical pain in my abdomen that has followed me my whole life. I'm tired of my BPD - I obsess over my ex constantly and find ways to reach her and make my life worse, find drama.
Today was one of the first times I woke up, and the very first word that popped into my head was: "Pathetic". I was literally telling myself I was worthless. My conscious mind was telling me I am nothing. I don't want to be here, but I have no way to access a roof (I chose jumping as a method) and I'm afraid my SI will fucking everything up as always (although I do have access to Benzos and alcohol).
I'm addicted to strangling myself by partially hanging myself with a rope, because the feeling I get when I'm nearing a blackout is indescribable. It's like I'm leaving the place I'm not supposed to be in and finally waking up. I feel such peace, such calm, like never before. Death is the only release for me. I am drowning every day. I can't do this anymore. I can't be here anymore. I just want it all to stop, for the pain to stop, for the fatigue to stop.
I just want to feel like I'm not completely alone. I know that the people on this forum can be very supportive, and I just needed to pour my emotions out. Please. Somebody please help me out of this hell.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also feel tired of suffering, it sounds like you've suffered a lot, I hope that you find the peace and relief from the pain you search for.

 

[PF011]

I feel the same way. I just want out of this. I'm tired of waiting.