i've been suicidal since i was at LEAST eight, and i'm in university now, which is. kind of crazy to think about. i have the most personal freedom i've ever had in my life, and it's kind of terrifyingly exhilarating. nobody tells you how easy it is to just. vanish from people's lives? if i died, i think it would genuinely take awhile for people to figure out that something happened. i don't have the energy to do anything anymore. i'm broke as shit and the dorms don't take mail + i don't know anyone else in the area, so i don't even have access to like. SN or any of the other CTB methods i'd like to use. i'm tired, man. i don't wanna do this anymore.
if i stay alive, i'll probably get better eventually, but the main thing is. i mean. i don't care. good for that hypothetical future me! cool! great job man! i don't wanna see it! it will get better if i get treated or whatever, but. i'm not ready. i don't care enough. i Do Not Want To. sure, i have raging untreated dissocative disorder that's fucking me over that could be fixed with treatment, but i just. i don't want to see that good future. i'm so tired, man. how do people stand the concept of getting old? i haven't done it all, but it sure fucking feels like i've seen everything i need to. i'm out, man. i don't wanna be here anymore. i could jump, but i'm scared of heights, yknow? don't wanna chicken out. i don't know. i'm tired and i'm kind of scared of fucking it up when i do CTB, but i don't think i can really stand to be around for too much longer. the monotony of my schedule is getting to me man!! even when i do shit to break it, you always go back eventually. i just. the apathy sink is insane and i don't wanna do this anymore
if i stay alive, i'll probably get better eventually, but the main thing is. i mean. i don't care. good for that hypothetical future me! cool! great job man! i don't wanna see it! it will get better if i get treated or whatever, but. i'm not ready. i don't care enough. i Do Not Want To. sure, i have raging untreated dissocative disorder that's fucking me over that could be fixed with treatment, but i just. i don't want to see that good future. i'm so tired, man. how do people stand the concept of getting old? i haven't done it all, but it sure fucking feels like i've seen everything i need to. i'm out, man. i don't wanna be here anymore. i could jump, but i'm scared of heights, yknow? don't wanna chicken out. i don't know. i'm tired and i'm kind of scared of fucking it up when i do CTB, but i don't think i can really stand to be around for too much longer. the monotony of my schedule is getting to me man!! even when i do shit to break it, you always go back eventually. i just. the apathy sink is insane and i don't wanna do this anymore
