i am not fit to be taking classes rn goddamn

[dental]

even though i'm not physically going to college classes or living on campus anymore (because that kind of exploded in my face due to my mental health), i'm still taking a few courses online at the moment... because i signed up for them in one of my brief impulsive periods of thinking i was gonna get my life together and become a functional human. of course those never last, and now i'm stuck trying to not fail these and get myself kicked out for having too low of a gpa. which i knew was probably going to happen. i don't think i've actually completed a semester in my life without fucking something up academically: looking back, it started as soon as i hit middle school.

it's so shitty because i know it's entirely my brain chemistry's fault. i've always been able to learn and pick up material super quickly, and i get good grades when i actually submit the work. it's the actually submitting it that i struggle with. again, i have not had a single semester in my life without just failing to turn something in (or a lot of somethings, like an entire semester's worth of somethings), so then i end up with zeroes. i fucking hate my executive dysfunction and how powerless i feel in the face of it. adhd is legitimately a curse. and of course i always get the "just try harder, why aren't you applying yourself, it's clear that you don't care or take this seriously," which hurts so much because i AM trying. i DO care, so much it hurts, and it hurts even worse that as hard as i try, i still fucking fail.

and of course depression makes it worse. because why wouldn't it. i thought it was bad back in middle school, but it only continued to get worse and worse as i got older, and now i'm a dysfunctional adult who can't turn in some easy busywork for fake points to get a degree that i probably won't even use because i'll be dead.

i've inadvertently been procrastinating even more by writing this. i could have gotten work done with the minutes i've spent here; i could have put these several hundred words into something that matters.

i'm diagnosed of course, and i did reach out to the university about accommodations, but they don't offer the only one i really wanted, which is deadline extensions. wonderful.

adhd, at least for me, isn't the inability to focus. it's the inability to direct my focus. and i have absolutely zero control over my broken fucking brain. it's things like this that really make me feel like i'm unfit for life, and i'm just making it worse for myself and everyone around me the longer i stay here.

 

[frost_]

Have you tried using ChatGPT to help take away one layer of needing to direct your focus? To get through the really tedious stuff.

 

[b1cycle]

Do you have meds? vyvanse is helping me a lot :)

 

[Ambivalent1]

Summer classes are too short.

 

[Kavka]

Staying focused, delaying gratification and doing something for the future is difficult for almost everyone. If you have ADHD or any other cause of executive dysfunction, this difficulty is turned up a (huge) notch. You're really playing life on hard mode. Add depression and suicidal tendencies to the mix and then you are suddenly playing on impossible mode.

You know it's your brain chemistry, so I hope you don't blame "yourself" too much for it. Although I know from personal experience that this really is easier said than done, especially in a world where people generally don't take into account someone's context (including brain chemistry) and only judge them by their results and behaviour.

Posters above me have already posted some practical advice about medication and AI. I'm not sure if you're looking for advice, so feel free to ignore the following paragraph.

I've always found this kind of advice a bit lazy when I read it online, but does your school have a school psychologist or someone in a similar position? I don't know what you think about psychologists and other mental health practitioners, but it might be worth a try.

If you're already seeing one or if you don't see their usefulness (anymore), it may still give you some form of support and possibly open up more options and accommodations. At my college, there were also clear rules about deadlines and accommodations, but in practice, there was a lot of room for exceptions if students really needed it and had a good reason that was backed up by a professional.

You can only try your best, which you obviously do. It'd be nice if you somehow managed to pass these classes, but it's ok if you don't – you're more than just a number on a grade sheet.