Venting I am incompatible with this world

[Spite]

I'm autistic. I see and experience the world differently than many people do.

It seems like no matter what I do, no matter what I achieve or where I'm at, I am just... perpetually discontent with life. Eternally unhappy. I recently got a new job and I was able to escape from my previous job, where I have spent the last three years working in a hostile environment where I am extremely tense and stressed for most of the day every day because I am forced to put up with terrible co-workers. This new place I just started working at so far has been a lot better for me, the people there are actually nice to me and try to make me feel included. Naturally this should make me feel better and should lift my overall mood... but truthfully, it doesn't...

I just... I don't know what's wrong with me. I hardly relate to anyone. I don't really feel any true connection with any other human being. and it's absolutely devastating to say that as someone who is married. There is something about me that is fundamentally broken. I also don't really want to do anything that most people consider 'normal' things that are just a part of life - I don't want to go to work. I don't want to study. I don't want to live in a house. I don't want to drive a car. I don't want to go shopping and buy things. I don't want to go out anywhere. I hardly want to speak to or associate with anyone - lately I've found that most of the time I don't want to speak to anyone and I want as little interaction with other human beings as possible (I'm aware that by creating this thread I'm sort of doing the opposite of that).

I have the worst social anxiety. It's debilitating. Trying to force myself to look at people in the eyes is like trying to force two of the same magnets together. I never speak to anyone because I constantly worry that I'm going to make a fool of myself or slip up and say something stupid. Socialising is torture and I can't do it.

I also hate how "different" I am seemingly compared to practically everyone around me. I see it everywhere. Both IRL and online. I don't even really know how to explain it there's just always this feeling that something is 'off' with me. I'm always a Black Sheep in any conceivable social setting/dynamic. I observe other people and how they are able to socialise so effortlessly and seeing that destroys me. Even online like I'll be in a Discord server and I practically never say anything ever because I have no idea how to even begin to communicate with these people, but I'll see the way they conduct themselves and they all seem so... 'chill', and 'normal', and I can just tell they don't really have any problems at all with getting through life, making friends, and enjoying themselves, whereas I do have all these problems and I'm just trapped in a pit of despair and hopelessness all the time.

You could argue I've "accomplished a lot", like getting my driver's license, holding down a full-time job, moving out of my mum's house and living independently, and living a married life with my wife... but deep down, I'm still miserable. I sound extremely pretentious and ungrateful and terrible saying this and that makes me feel even worse about myself like I really should just die. I don't like this reality. I just don't. I hate being autistic. I hate having to wake up every day, I wish I could just sleep forever. I just see life as a self-replicating curse where I have to put up with endless bullshit and problems and ups-and-downs, and this all seems worse when I feel like my existence is an anomaly, like I'm a glitch in the system, like I was never supposed to be here. Everything feels so weird and alien to me. Why is it so difficult for me to just enjoy things? To just be happy? It's like I am literally incapable of feeling long-term happiness and contentment with life. A million dollars could fall out of the sky and land right in my lap and I guarantee you I would still be miserable and feel like a weird alien who just doesn't get this world. I seriously don't even know what I would do with the 1 million dollars - I don't really desire anything. I don't care about having nice clothes or buying the latest awesome car or having the best phone or best shoes or wanting to travel the world and treat myself to things. I just don't. That desire is almost non-existent in me.

I don't even know exactly what I'm looking to get out of writing all this and posting it as a thread. I don't expect any answers to my problems, there's no magic solution to this (asides from maybe literally killing myself). I feel sad and pathetic writing this so I don't even know why I'm posting this but I'm doing it anyway. I guess I just wonder if others can relate?

 

[Charly]

I relate deeply. I'm also autistic with a boyfriend. He's basically the only person i talk to, often about bleak topics, because any other social relationship has become terrifying to me. I'm also a neet because having a job, with my multiple dysfunctionalities, terrifies me as well. I deeply want to relate to others and i just cannot. Have no depth or topics of conversation, i struggle to understand the plot of a conversation or follow anecdotes or similars. I shouldn't be cognitive impaired and this is frustrating because cognitive impairment is what i seem to live everyday, and being a "glitch in the world", a flaw in the system, is the exact way i see myself as well. In all my past relationships / friendships the other person did the talking 80 or 90% of the times and i was on the receiving end listening. But living like this is really a "self-replicating" curse as you put it, day after day.

Anyways, im so sorry that life has brought you here. I hug you and i really do wish you the best. We are in a similar boat, and you'll find many kind-hearted souls here.

 

[Mistergeburt]

I'm not autistic (I believe), although some psychologists said otherwise, but I can still somehow relate. I also have social anxiety, but it has gotten a little better, but it's still really hard. Feeling different and out of place is very relatable for me personally. I think you're descibing anhedonia when you say that you can't feel happy with anything. And personally I think it's not you who's wrong. There are too many different factors that each make your life miserable. And fixing one of them won't make your life a whole lot better, that's why it feels impossible to fix your life I think. Are you in therapy? I think, therapy could really help if you have the right therapist (who preferably has experience with autistic people). But I also know that it's hard.

Either way I hope you'll get better and I wish you nothing but the best.

 

[retstardeda$$hole]

I just... I don't know what's wrong with me. I hardly relate to anyone. I don't really feel any true connection with any other human being. and it's absolutely devastating to say that as someone who is married. There is something about me that is fundamentally broken. I also don't really want to do anything that most people consider 'normal' things that are just a part of life - I don't want to go to work. I don't want to study. I don't want to live in a house. I don't want to drive a car. I don't want to go shopping and buy things. I don't want to go out anywhere. I hardly want to speak to or associate with anyone - lately I've found that most of the time I don't want to speak to anyone and I want as little interaction with other human beings as possible (I'm aware that by creating this thread I'm sort of doing the opposite of that).

Real. I don't if I can live with ADHD and autism for the rest of my life. i haven't been diagnosed with either but I am 100% sure I at least have ADHD. The thiught of living like this for the rest of my life is exhausting.

 

[WiltedDreams]

On the spectrum as well and can relate. As an adult, I don't have anyone I can be myself with. No friends due to not being in a school, not mentally capable of being in a relationship and all my social skills decayed after leaving school. My brain is in shambles, it's hard for me to learn anything, my emotions are heightened however I just seem to have greater memory than others which means I constantly remind myself of all the things I've done. I just want to stay at home and play video games and listen to asmr all day.

 

[dragonofenvy]

The worst thing for me about being autistic was that I was always seen as the weird guy who was a loser. Then when I said I was autistic I magically became too normal to be autistic. I wish more people understood just how debilitating the condition really is. We've missed out on so much, suffered so much. What was our sin? Merely being born. It's so awful to live in a society that we are ostracized from yet be told we are accepted for who we are when those same people do not accept neurodivergence. They only want to give platitudes to make themselves feel superior. To feel as though they're "one of the good guys."

 

[Spite]

Thank you for the replies everyone

Sorry I've taken a while to reply back, I created this thread and fell asleep almost immediately afterwards, and then I've had a very busy day today.

I relate deeply. I'm also autistic with a boyfriend. He's basically the only person i talk to, often about bleak topics, because any other social relationship has become terrifying to me. I'm also a neet because having a job, with my multiple dysfunctionalities, terrifies me as well. I deeply want to relate to others and i just cannot. Have no depth or topics of conversation, i struggle to understand the plot of a conversation or follow anecdotes or similars. I shouldn't be cognitive impaired and this is frustrating because cognitive impairment is what i seem to live everyday, and being a "glitch in the world", a flaw in the system, is the exact way i see myself as well. In all my past relationships / friendships the other person did the talking 80 or 90% of the times and i was on the receiving end listening. But living like this is really a "self-replicating" curse as you put it, day after day.

Anyways, im so sorry that life has brought you here. I hug you and i really do wish you the best. We are in a similar boat, and you'll find many kind-hearted souls here.

Thank you... hugs to you too, I too wish you the best. I think I relate a lot to the cognitive impairments you described. I've found that as I've gone through life it's become harder for me to do, well, anything and everything. I even find it hard to articulate myself properly if I'm speaking to someone IRL, I tend to stumble over my own words and "um" and "er" a lot. I also feel like I never know what to talk about. I feel like an insufficient partner/friend to anybody and overall just somebody not worth knowing... I know I should be kinder to myself, but that's how I really feel a lot of the time.

I'm not autistic (I believe), although some psychologists said otherwise, but I can still somehow relate. I also have social anxiety, but it has gotten a little better, but it's still really hard. Feeling different and out of place is very relatable for me personally. I think you're descibing anhedonia when you say that you can't feel happy with anything. And personally I think it's not you who's wrong. There are too many different factors that each make your life miserable. And fixing one of them won't make your life a whole lot better, that's why it feels impossible to fix your life I think. Are you in therapy? I think, therapy could really help if you have the right therapist (who preferably has experience with autistic people). But I also know that it's hard.

Either way I hope you'll get better and I wish you nothing but the best.

Thank you for your reply.. social anxiety is a whole different kind of hell. I wish it wasn't a thing at all. I think you're right on the mark there when you say anhedonia as I am probably experiencing that. To answer your question, I actually am in therapy. I started two months ago. We've only had a few sessions in that time and my psych is very nice. He's been trying to work with me on identifying and understanding my cognitive distortions and working on my extremely low self-esteem. My psych also suspects I suffer from emotional dysregulation, and I think he's absolutely right on that. I've always been one to catastrophise and struggle to regulate my emotions.

Real. I don't if I can live with ADHD and autism for the rest of my life. i haven't been diagnosed with either but I am 100% sure I at least have ADHD. The thiught of living like this for the rest of my life is exhausting.

I feel you. It is exhausting living with autism and/or ADHD. I dread to think about what the rest of my life will look like... how much more struggle, exhaustion, and suffering awaits us?

On the spectrum as well and can relate. As an adult, I don't have anyone I can be myself with. No friends due to not being in a school, not mentally capable of being in a relationship and all my social skills decayed after leaving school. My brain is in shambles, it's hard for me to learn anything, my emotions are heightened however I just seem to have greater memory than others which means I constantly remind myself of all the things I've done. I just want to stay at home and play video games and listen to asmr all day.

That's something I have struggled with my whole life too... it really feels like I can never truly be myself around anyone. I too have gone through life with practically no friends ever. I'm terribly sorry this has been the case for you as well. That last sentence is a dream for me, I wish every single day I could just lie in bed and watch cartoons and chill on my laptop all day and not have to worry about anything else. I'd definitely play a ton of video games too. I like ASMR as well, especially "unintentional ASMR" - I tend to prefer those even more. Like if I watch a random tutorial on how to install some software and the person speaking happens to have a soft-spoken, relaxing voice, I love listening to videos like that.

The worst thing for me about being autistic was that I was always seen as the weird guy who was a loser. Then when I said I was autistic I magically became too normal to be autistic. I wish more people understood just how debilitating the condition really is. We've missed out on so much, suffered so much. What was our sin? Merely being born. It's so awful to live in a society that we are ostracized from yet be told we are accepted for who we are when those same people do not accept neurodivergence. They only want to give platitudes to make themselves feel superior. To feel as though they're "one of the good guys."

I've always been the weirdo loser outcast hardly anybody likes... it's absolutely brutal. My heart goes out to you. It truly feels like almost no-one understands me either. I'm either shunned, ignored and belittled by the general populace, or infantilised and treated like a dumb baby when people find out I have autism. I just want to be treated like a human being. I just wanted to be accepted and feel like I fit in somewhere. Thinking about the things I have missed out on, like friendship, having a social life, going out with friends and mingling in social groups and enjoying activities, it breaks my heart. Being autistic makes me want to quit life entirely.

 

[TAW122]

I'm on the spectrum too, and somehow people treat me differently, and no matter what I do, it seems like people already decided the moment they see me and hear me talk... I'm tired of the belittling, infantilization, and generally being treated as 2nd class yet expected to be as productive and as successful (if not more) than the average person! It is really infuriating and certainly a significant factor in my eventual CTB. Furthermore, I have challenges that most people don't really have and I'm not some superhuman nor prodigy of some sort either... Being on the spectrum is more of a curse, and perhaps the only positive (if one even considers it a positive) is that I am able to see the world in such a pessimistic, yet cynical way, but also rational enough to deduce that suffering is not worth it and somehow end up on SaSu.

Sometimes I think that if I was like the average normie as a person, I may/not have found SaSu or may even be too deluded and drunk over the Koolaid of life and brainwashed into accepting the fake lie of "life is great!", "it gets better!", or "it's worth it!" or any banal platitude that is thrown around.

 

[mysticall]

I'm autistic. I see and experience the world differently than many people do.

It seems like no matter what I do, no matter what I achieve or where I'm at, I am just... perpetually discontent with life. Eternally unhappy. I recently got a new job and I was able to escape from my previous job, where I have spent the last three years working in a hostile environment where I am extremely tense and stressed for most of the day every day because I am forced to put up with terrible co-workers. This new place I just started working at so far has been a lot better for me, the people there are actually nice to me and try to make me feel included. Naturally this should make me feel better and should lift my overall mood... but truthfully, it doesn't...

I just... I don't know what's wrong with me. I hardly relate to anyone. I don't really feel any true connection with any other human being. and it's absolutely devastating to say that as someone who is married. There is something about me that is fundamentally broken. I also don't really want to do anything that most people consider 'normal' things that are just a part of life - I don't want to go to work. I don't want to study. I don't want to live in a house. I don't want to drive a car. I don't want to go shopping and buy things. I don't want to go out anywhere. I hardly want to speak to or associate with anyone - lately I've found that most of the time I don't want to speak to anyone and I want as little interaction with other human beings as possible (I'm aware that by creating this thread I'm sort of doing the opposite of that).

I have the worst social anxiety. It's debilitating. Trying to force myself to look at people in the eyes is like trying to force two of the same magnets together. I never speak to anyone because I constantly worry that I'm going to make a fool of myself or slip up and say something stupid. Socialising is torture and I can't do it.

I also hate how "different" I am seemingly compared to practically everyone around me. I see it everywhere. Both IRL and online. I don't even really know how to explain it there's just always this feeling that something is 'off' with me. I'm always a Black Sheep in any conceivable social setting/dynamic. I observe other people and how they are able to socialise so effortlessly and seeing that destroys me. Even online like I'll be in a Discord server and I practically never say anything ever because I have no idea how to even begin to communicate with these people, but I'll see the way they conduct themselves and they all seem so... 'chill', and 'normal', and I can just tell they don't really have any problems at all with getting through life, making friends, and enjoying themselves, whereas I do have all these problems and I'm just trapped in a pit of despair and hopelessness all the time.

You could argue I've "accomplished a lot", like getting my driver's license, holding down a full-time job, moving out of my mum's house and living independently, and living a married life with my wife... but deep down, I'm still miserable. I sound extremely pretentious and ungrateful and terrible saying this and that makes me feel even worse about myself like I really should just die. I don't like this reality. I just don't. I hate being autistic. I hate having to wake up every day, I wish I could just sleep forever. I just see life as a self-replicating curse where I have to put up with endless bullshit and problems and ups-and-downs, and this all seems worse when I feel like my existence is an anomaly, like I'm a glitch in the system, like I was never supposed to be here. Everything feels so weird and alien to me. Why is it so difficult for me to just enjoy things? To just be happy? It's like I am literally incapable of feeling long-term happiness and contentment with life. A million dollars could fall out of the sky and land right in my lap and I guarantee you I would still be miserable and feel like a weird alien who just doesn't get this world. I seriously don't even know what I would do with the 1 million dollars - I don't really desire anything. I don't care about having nice clothes or buying the latest awesome car or having the best phone or best shoes or wanting to travel the world and treat myself to things. I just don't. That desire is almost non-existent in me.

I don't even know exactly what I'm looking to get out of writing all this and posting it as a thread. I don't expect any answers to my problems, there's no magic solution to this (asides from maybe literally killing myself). I feel sad and pathetic writing this so I don't even know why I'm posting this but I'm doing it anyway. I guess I just wonder if others can relate?

You are not alone in feeling this way. Fellow autistic here. It sucks. Being autistic is awful. I wish I was one of the quirky ones who wore cute outfits and had some wit or some shit but I can tell people just feel off around me and I don't know why.

 

[pluvio]

I relate to this. I was born when my parents were in their forty's (much higher risk of autism), and I've never really been able to relate to them because of the age difference. I remember when they got tired of me as a kid they brought out a sheet of my friends phone numbers and would make me call one of them. I would always have a pit in my stomach knowing I had to make a phone call and have a social interaction later. Never really had a close friend that I felt I could be open with, just a series of circumstantial acquaintances. I've slowly lost all of my friends over the years because I'm terrified of initiating social situations.
I've never worked a job longer than 6 months due to just getting fed up with the banality of working full time + small talk. I really just can't see a path forward at all. Sometimes I will look at all the meat in the freezer and wonder how much life had to be butchered just to sustain my worthless existence.

I pray we all find our peace soon.

 

[mysticall]

I'm autistic. I see and experience the world differently than many people do.

It seems like no matter what I do, no matter what I achieve or where I'm at, I am just... perpetually discontent with life. Eternally unhappy. I recently got a new job and I was able to escape from my previous job, where I have spent the last three years working in a hostile environment where I am extremely tense and stressed for most of the day every day because I am forced to put up with terrible co-workers. This new place I just started working at so far has been a lot better for me, the people there are actually nice to me and try to make me feel included. Naturally this should make me feel better and should lift my overall mood... but truthfully, it doesn't...

I just... I don't know what's wrong with me. I hardly relate to anyone. I don't really feel any true connection with any other human being. and it's absolutely devastating to say that as someone who is married. There is something about me that is fundamentally broken. I also don't really want to do anything that most people consider 'normal' things that are just a part of life - I don't want to go to work. I don't want to study. I don't want to live in a house. I don't want to drive a car. I don't want to go shopping and buy things. I don't want to go out anywhere. I hardly want to speak to or associate with anyone - lately I've found that most of the time I don't want to speak to anyone and I want as little interaction with other human beings as possible (I'm aware that by creating this thread I'm sort of doing the opposite of that).

I have the worst social anxiety. It's debilitating. Trying to force myself to look at people in the eyes is like trying to force two of the same magnets together. I never speak to anyone because I constantly worry that I'm going to make a fool of myself or slip up and say something stupid. Socialising is torture and I can't do it.

I also hate how "different" I am seemingly compared to practically everyone around me. I see it everywhere. Both IRL and online. I don't even really know how to explain it there's just always this feeling that something is 'off' with me. I'm always a Black Sheep in any conceivable social setting/dynamic. I observe other people and how they are able to socialise so effortlessly and seeing that destroys me. Even online like I'll be in a Discord server and I practically never say anything ever because I have no idea how to even begin to communicate with these people, but I'll see the way they conduct themselves and they all seem so... 'chill', and 'normal', and I can just tell they don't really have any problems at all with getting through life, making friends, and enjoying themselves, whereas I do have all these problems and I'm just trapped in a pit of despair and hopelessness all the time.

You could argue I've "accomplished a lot", like getting my driver's license, holding down a full-time job, moving out of my mum's house and living independently, and living a married life with my wife... but deep down, I'm still miserable. I sound extremely pretentious and ungrateful and terrible saying this and that makes me feel even worse about myself like I really should just die. I don't like this reality. I just don't. I hate being autistic. I hate having to wake up every day, I wish I could just sleep forever. I just see life as a self-replicating curse where I have to put up with endless bullshit and problems and ups-and-downs, and this all seems worse when I feel like my existence is an anomaly, like I'm a glitch in the system, like I was never supposed to be here. Everything feels so weird and alien to me. Why is it so difficult for me to just enjoy things? To just be happy? It's like I am literally incapable of feeling long-term happiness and contentment with life. A million dollars could fall out of the sky and land right in my lap and I guarantee you I would still be miserable and feel like a weird alien who just doesn't get this world. I seriously don't even know what I would do with the 1 million dollars - I don't really desire anything. I don't care about having nice clothes or buying the latest awesome car or having the best phone or best shoes or wanting to travel the world and treat myself to things. I just don't. That desire is almost non-existent in me.

I don't even know exactly what I'm looking to get out of writing all this and posting it as a thread. I don't expect any answers to my problems, there's no magic solution to this (asides from maybe literally killing myself). I feel sad and pathetic writing this so I don't even know why I'm posting this but I'm doing it anyway. I guess I just wonder if others can relate?

You are not alone in feeling this way. Fellow autistic here. It sucks. Literally everything you said rings true for me.