fantasticalreality
Member
- Sep 29, 2025
- 13
found out my mother has started using again. i dont blame her, i know shes as miserable as i am. she worked so hard to get clean, she followed a strict program for years and years. but i found a pipe and some crystals tucked away in a container with the label "CRAFTS" drawn on in sharpie. Our life has been terrible for a while. we have an extremely large amount of cats, over 20, and it is not by choice. we had 7 when we moved here after dealing with nearly 40 at one point. its a long story but when i was 12, i found a cat outside and took her home and loved her. she had babies. babies had babies. and this was during covid, and we couldnt find anywhere to get our cats fixed or maybe my mom and her boyfriend were too drugged up and depressed to try. i dont know. thats how it started, and here, we had a pregnant cat come with. and there are stray cats EVERYWHERE here since we moved in. so basically, im trapped in a never ending cat hell, never ending piss puke shit hundreds and hundreds of dollars on cat food and litter and whatever the fuck else. its been my hell, that nobody ever will help with. previous organization we worked with, we asked for the records of some of the cats we'd spayed/neutered, and then they said we cant be trying to rehome cats and refused to do any future business with us. we have like 30 fucking cats, no shit we want to rehome them, cause YOU PEOPLE dont help us with that either! i dont fucking get it. every organization says theyre full, sorry! We are completely alone in this hell. its humiliating, my house smells unless i do a rigorous 4-6 hour process deep cleaning. and by the next day? Smells again. like a barn, or the inside of a hamster cage. its isolating above all. i cant invite friends over without doing this stupid long process that stresses me out. i cant talk to people about it. im humiliated. my mom gets depressed when we talk about it. she works two jobs to pay for everything and the cats. i dont have one y et. im scared of the responsibility but i want to start helping pay for things as soon as possible. i need to enroll in classes because student aid is helping us survive and keep our house. im so miserable. my life has been hell already, but to find out the only fucking person i have, the ONLY PERSON I HAVE, is using hard drugs again? Its breaking me. I feel broken. and theres nobody to turn to when i feel like this. the lowest of the low, when youre ready to end things, when you dont even know how to cry anymore. there is nobody for me at that point. its me overlooking the world through my window, wondering if ill ever feel better or if things will ever change. even if they do change, i might stay the same. ive never been surrounded by normal, healthy, happy people. not even just happy people, id settle for that. how did anyone expect me to turn out as anything but a fucking shut in loser that never stops crying and hides away in her computer. I dont know. I dont know if anyone will read this. i truly feel like i am locked behind a wall and nobody will ever see me.
