I am going to try one more time

[tiokapaws]

On thursday I have an appointment to speak to my Gp. I changed from my old one, whose office I would always leave in tears because of how bad she made me feel, so I'm not sure what to expect from this new one. I'm like really scared. So much that even thinking about it has me scratching at my skin like some type of dog riddled with fleas.

I had to wait two weeks which is odd compared to my old practice where I was getting seen on the day, or at most the following ones. And while maybe there was a way to get an earlier appointment by mentioning I'm on the verge of a mental health crisis, I was much too scared to say it. So I've made the wait.

I really hope my mom won't make a fuss over me leaving the house for it. And I hope the GP is at least a little nice.

I'm going to try to be honest, but also careful with what I say. My country isn't the type to detain people in mental hospitals, but if I talk too much they might send someone to my house.

There's like the "big issue" of chronic suicidality and altering moods, but also the other stuff of like, my constant paranoia, intrusive thoughts and general feeling of unsettlement and chaos in my head which I'm questioning if it could be ocd. But like, Idk if they'll care about that.

I don't know, I just really want help. I feel like everyday I'm living with this huge secret on my back. Whenever people talk about recieving treatment, I despise them because I never could. At least nothing helpful, because I don't count that period of therapy when I was 14 doing anything but making me a million times more suicidal. So, yeah. That's the plan.

I've been thinking of holding this off and waiting until I fall into another one of my depressive episodes so they wont feel as if I'm a big fat liar, but I know that in that state I won't even show up. So I will try to be brave.

If it goes to shit then I officially give up. I don't know when it will happen, but I'll know I have no other choice but to ctb. But who knows, maybe it won't come to that. Fingers crossed.

If anybody has any advice or how their experiences went with opening up to their GP/doctor I'd really appreciate it ^^

 

[U. A.]

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[tiokapaws]

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Ah okay. That does make sense, I'll try to remember this. Thank you !

 

[tiokapaws]

Okay update for basically nobody but myself but the appointment went well! I think changing GPs was deffo the right choice because this one didn't come and berate me or make me feel stupid or a burden for showing up there. Though she was quite firm in the fact that I'd need to confront my mom in terms of where I am with my mental health otherwise I'm not going to get anywhere because she'll keep on blocking me from getting treatment.

But it's easier said than done. Like to the point I'd much rather prefer ctb over speaking to her about any of this because she's bound to push me over the edge. I already know she won't react well, but I wont get an appointment with the community mental health team until six weeks minimum, so I'll use that time to enjoy the things I like and soldifiying a method should I need one (which is likely )

If I tell her and she flips out, and says no, I can't go to therapy and does her typical guilt tripping bullshit, then nobody can say I didn't try or put in the effort. Because I try and try and try so much everyday.

Also no medication either because the GP said that this is an issue for psychiatry. All she could recommend was counselling services but the same issue arises of my mom being a massive control freak. But oh, well.

 

[Noct]

If I tell her and she flips out, and says no, I can't go to therapy and does her typical guilt tripping bullshit, then nobody can say I didn't try or put in the effort. Because I try and try and try so much everyday.

Also no medication either because the GP said that this is an issue for psychiatry. All she could recommend was counselling services but the same issue arises of my mom being a massive control freak. But oh, well.

I hope things go well with your conversation! Glad the GP is good at least. As little hope it might feel like there is that change already is proof that things could possibly end up working out , even if it takes more fighting than you should have ever had to face to get there.

I know you aren't necessarily asking advice, so you can feel free to ignore this, or just straight up tell me to fuck off. However, from someone who spent a lot of time dealing with non understanding or supportive parents, your best bet is playing into whatever she likes to hear — essentially if you can speak her emotional 'language' to try and get what you need without triggering her or putting her on a defensive/parinoid/whatever else streak. Imitate how she thinks and predict her reactions beforehand, that way you can change ahead of time how you ask them/lay them out/articulate yourself so that the conversation is molded to her instead of yourself. It's manipulation, sure, but if it works it's worth it in the end to get actual good support (from my perspective)

 

[tiokapaws]

Thank you this rlly means alot And I appreciate the advice too. I think I'll basically just end up doing similar to what you said.

All the other times when I was recieving help, since I was a minor she had to know everything and be beside me for every session. As a result, she would find a way to weave every single word I said as an attack against her and we'd spend the whole time comforting her But now I can finally have confidentiality, so when I have to talk to her, I'm gonna try to keep it vague? And not even hint at the possibility of her being at fault, even if it means blaming myself when clearly she's the issue lmao.

Also, since you've said it's worked from experience, is the family member or whoever now supportive of you now, or at the very least allowing you do what you need for your life? Cuz that's like all I want. I don't need her to come and comfort me or act like she loves me but at the very least there needs to be a way for me to go and help myself

 

[Noct]

Thank you this rlly means alot And I appreciate the advice too. I think I'll basically just end up doing similar to what you said.
lmao.

Of course, no problem :)

Also, since you've said it's worked from experience, is the family member or whoever now supportive of you now, or at the very least allowing you do what you need for your life? Cuz that's like all I want. I don't need her to come and comfort me or act like she loves me but at the very least there needs to be a way for me to go and help myself

Thankfully I can that the family member is at least allowing me to do what I need now (even if only begrudgingly because they have no power anymore.) I've gotten a lot of help and things I thought were a sure impossibility for a long time when my family had power over me and things they could hold over my head to threaten me into compliance.

At first when I had to play into manipulating things more it was still rough and since you're not really talking things out when using that method it doesn't change how the person thinks. However, getting a foot in the door about therapy and psychiatric care and whatever else you need can still do wonders for setting up actually changing things down the line since she will then have proof of its positive impact and will have to learn the hard lesson that she can't do or control much now that you have legal power and right to confidentiality.

Though I do want to preface that things might work different for you — since my hypothesis is it's all about the persons motivations/values and their capacity to change in the first place. If your mother cares more about her beliefs or is stuck in her controlling nature than valuing your relationship as family, you might have less luck.

When I first became legal it took me a while to find the confident but I eventually was able to take a firm stance on my boundaries with my family member. Putting an 'all or nothing' and 'no contact' type of consequence for my family member made things really rough for a long time but it also at a certain point also made them realize that they cared more to be able to actually talk to me and be in my life even a little bit rather than completely kill off our familial relationship/ties by holding onto their awful views and attempting to continue some of the much worse things they did.

Hope that makes any sense I know it's a long reply

 

[tiokapaws]

Of course, no problem :)

Thankfully I can that the family member is at least allowing me to do what I need now (even if only begrudgingly because they have no power anymore.) I've gotten a lot of help and things I thought were a sure impossibility for a long time when my family had power over me and things they could hold over my head to threaten me into compliance.

At first when I had to play into manipulating things more it was still rough and since you're not really talking things out when using that method it doesn't change how the person thinks. However, getting a foot in the door about therapy and psychiatric care and whatever else you need can still do wonders for setting up actually changing things down the line since she will then have proof of its positive impact and will have to learn the hard lesson that she can't do or control much now that you have legal power and right to confidentiality.

Though I do want to preface that things might work different for you — since my hypothesis is it's all about the persons motivations/values and their capacity to change in the first place. If your mother cares more about her beliefs or is stuck in her controlling nature than valuing your relationship as family, you might have less luck.

When I first became legal it took me a while to find the confident but I eventually was able to take a firm stance on my boundaries with my family member. Putting an 'all or nothing' and 'no contact' type of consequence for my family member made things really rough for a long time but it also at a certain point also made them realize that they cared more to be able to actually talk to me and be in my life even a little bit rather than completely kill off our familial relationship/ties by holding onto their awful views and attempting to continue some of the much worse things they did.

Hope that makes any sense I know it's a long reply

Yess it makes plenty sense. Thank you once again! I can't go completely no-contact since I still live with her and there's like 0 possibility of me being able to get away for at least a year cuz I need to get my documents, and by "away", that'd probably just be in a homeless shelter which isnt exactly good

The situation is complicated in the way she cares about maintaining a family dynamic (of her 'loving' her kids and us loving her) for both the public and our family circle. So even if I ran away she'd ask for me to come back. And in the times when I completely stop speaking to her she freaks out

So I will try to use this to an advantage once I figure out how. I'm glad things have at least worked out for you somewhat. It gives me a little bit of hope :)

 

[tiokapaws]

I made a new friend!!!

Or very good acquaintance at the very least.

You know when you're met with the opportunity to do something new but you reject it because it's unfamiliar and unknown things are scary? I decided against it (this decision was cast a while ago, but i followed through with it for today to happen) and I'm very happy with it!

I feel like because of depression and my mom who constantly reminds me of the plethora of reasons why "people dont like me", I sometimes forget how I actually am. I always feel like I'm trash and worthless and stupid and annoying.

But I think in actuality I'm quite fun to be around.

I love how animated I can get when talking and how full of life I can be. And I love love when people match the energy. Usually I kind of crawl into myself and hide who I am, but that leads to that suffocating sort of feeling. But just being myself out in the open is so much more freeing. I hope I can learn to do it more often.

The mental health team also called me today! They want to see me this week which is way earlier than I thought im reallly scared but I hope it goes well and they're not like super mean and I end up doing something dumb and relapsing. But right now I want to remain in good spirits. The sky is not falling and right now I am okay with that.