One could say I go full Kanye except that I am no antisemite.
Maybe you have read it my mom had a stroke recently. First I got very depressive because of it (seriously contemplated suicide) now I am seemingly becoming more manic. Which is way more dangerous than depression for me.
The most striking thing is my sleep rhythm. When I am at 5 a.m. or earlier wide awake, full of energy, no exhaustion something is clearly off. And this happened the last 3 days. The earlier I intervene the better. But how can I intervene. College becomes more and more stuff each week. And this is by far the most difficult semester so far.
I pressure myself way too much. I am also very vulnerable for external pressure. Due to my abuse I am very anxious to let people down. This evening I wrote my mom and dad that I am very fragile. Maybe I have to take a hiatus from college or reduce the courses. Honestly I hate these options. I am obsessed what other people think of me. I feel so extremely ashamed that I am often one of the oldest guys in college courses. Though I tell me to be rational what some college kids think 5 seconds about you does not matter. These people will forget that I exist. They probably would even do that when I killed myself in front of them. Maybe this is a little bit exaggerated. I can remember one kid died in a school where I was. It was like 1 week mourning and then the people continued their own lives. So I try to say to myself it does not matter whether college takes some months or years more. These people don't care about me. When I am homeless they will walk by me and not looking in my face so they don't have to feel guilty about it. I want to say by that the chance to escape poverty is way more important than my (kind of irrational) obsession what other people think about me. When I see these young people talking about Tiktok and funny videos they watch. I say to myself. These people don't know how real existential suffering feels like. If they are arrogant to judge about me just because of my age it does not matter. I am roundabout at my mid twenties by the way. Though I have met people who were 30 and started at college. Nobody fucking cares about that. I should get a tatoo of that on my forehead. (which might be detrimental to my obsession though).
Okay this was kind of a redundant analysis which don't help much with my problems. I am taking more addictive medication in low dosage currently. Benzos and Z-medication. Both the lowest dosage. When I had no lectures I barely needed them. Addiction with them is very dangerous. Though to be honest I plan to kill myself after my next psychosis so addiction seems to be easier to be fixed. The current story of my life reminds me of how Jordan Peterson got addicted to benzos. He later was extremely agitated and told doctors in Russia to put him into a coma when he had withdrawal symptoms. He got addicted due to his career and health of his wife. I might have to kill myself when I am addicted to benzos. I think my mind is way too fragile for a withdrawal. It could trigger some psychosis. On the other hand I almost everytime only take the lowest dosage. I can remeber I listened to a phone call of my psychiatrist. The patient took 5 times as much as I do for several weeks. The patient described addiction symptoms and panicked and my psychiatrist answered maybe this is only auto-suggestion. (lol) Honestly it is kind of irresponsible to do something like that. However in my case I would probably never take 2,5 lorazepam on a daily basis voluntarily. This is hellish dangerous. I am very self-disciplined but I fully admit it these emergency medication are really dangerous. And to pretend I was immune of addiction would be very naive. But I consider addiction as less dangerous than a relapse currently.
Another topcic. I was kind of paranoid today. Interpreted some social interactions on a weird insane meta-level. Simply shit that people with psychosis do. When I articulated my thoughts to my friends I said to me. Wait this shit sounds quite insane and delusionali. People with psychosis sometimes think there was a secret message in conversations with other people. And it is a very dangerous sign if you think: Damn I have now fully understood the meta-level of this discussion. I have understood the secret message which is now revealed. Maybe I should become the PR manager of Kanye West. I could imagine he soon has none. Maybe this joke is kind of cheap. But I have the same condition as him. Though for sure different symptoms.
Writing here about it helps. I have kind of verbal diarrhea and already spammed my friends full with my messages. I also had kind of megolomania today. The feeling of invincibility. Joked about going all in in college and work till I collapse.
Honestly all this shit is always in my mind when I become manic. I am self-aware enough to look through that shit. I wonder why my brain does not think of something more orginal or creative.
I took a half lorazepam and take a half Z-medication (addictive sleeping pill). Tommorow is my free day. By the way yesterday I panicked my mom had a second stroke which was not the case. To be honest the health of my mom does not really help to reduce my anxiety. Hopefully I will adapt to it soon.
Let's hope the addictive medication helps. I had some more ideas. It depends on how everything develops.
Maybe you have read it my mom had a stroke recently. First I got very depressive because of it (seriously contemplated suicide) now I am seemingly becoming more manic. Which is way more dangerous than depression for me.
The most striking thing is my sleep rhythm. When I am at 5 a.m. or earlier wide awake, full of energy, no exhaustion something is clearly off. And this happened the last 3 days. The earlier I intervene the better. But how can I intervene. College becomes more and more stuff each week. And this is by far the most difficult semester so far.
I pressure myself way too much. I am also very vulnerable for external pressure. Due to my abuse I am very anxious to let people down. This evening I wrote my mom and dad that I am very fragile. Maybe I have to take a hiatus from college or reduce the courses. Honestly I hate these options. I am obsessed what other people think of me. I feel so extremely ashamed that I am often one of the oldest guys in college courses. Though I tell me to be rational what some college kids think 5 seconds about you does not matter. These people will forget that I exist. They probably would even do that when I killed myself in front of them. Maybe this is a little bit exaggerated. I can remember one kid died in a school where I was. It was like 1 week mourning and then the people continued their own lives. So I try to say to myself it does not matter whether college takes some months or years more. These people don't care about me. When I am homeless they will walk by me and not looking in my face so they don't have to feel guilty about it. I want to say by that the chance to escape poverty is way more important than my (kind of irrational) obsession what other people think about me. When I see these young people talking about Tiktok and funny videos they watch. I say to myself. These people don't know how real existential suffering feels like. If they are arrogant to judge about me just because of my age it does not matter. I am roundabout at my mid twenties by the way. Though I have met people who were 30 and started at college. Nobody fucking cares about that. I should get a tatoo of that on my forehead. (which might be detrimental to my obsession though).
Okay this was kind of a redundant analysis which don't help much with my problems. I am taking more addictive medication in low dosage currently. Benzos and Z-medication. Both the lowest dosage. When I had no lectures I barely needed them. Addiction with them is very dangerous. Though to be honest I plan to kill myself after my next psychosis so addiction seems to be easier to be fixed. The current story of my life reminds me of how Jordan Peterson got addicted to benzos. He later was extremely agitated and told doctors in Russia to put him into a coma when he had withdrawal symptoms. He got addicted due to his career and health of his wife. I might have to kill myself when I am addicted to benzos. I think my mind is way too fragile for a withdrawal. It could trigger some psychosis. On the other hand I almost everytime only take the lowest dosage. I can remeber I listened to a phone call of my psychiatrist. The patient took 5 times as much as I do for several weeks. The patient described addiction symptoms and panicked and my psychiatrist answered maybe this is only auto-suggestion. (lol) Honestly it is kind of irresponsible to do something like that. However in my case I would probably never take 2,5 lorazepam on a daily basis voluntarily. This is hellish dangerous. I am very self-disciplined but I fully admit it these emergency medication are really dangerous. And to pretend I was immune of addiction would be very naive. But I consider addiction as less dangerous than a relapse currently.
Another topcic. I was kind of paranoid today. Interpreted some social interactions on a weird insane meta-level. Simply shit that people with psychosis do. When I articulated my thoughts to my friends I said to me. Wait this shit sounds quite insane and delusionali. People with psychosis sometimes think there was a secret message in conversations with other people. And it is a very dangerous sign if you think: Damn I have now fully understood the meta-level of this discussion. I have understood the secret message which is now revealed. Maybe I should become the PR manager of Kanye West. I could imagine he soon has none. Maybe this joke is kind of cheap. But I have the same condition as him. Though for sure different symptoms.
Writing here about it helps. I have kind of verbal diarrhea and already spammed my friends full with my messages. I also had kind of megolomania today. The feeling of invincibility. Joked about going all in in college and work till I collapse.
Honestly all this shit is always in my mind when I become manic. I am self-aware enough to look through that shit. I wonder why my brain does not think of something more orginal or creative.
I took a half lorazepam and take a half Z-medication (addictive sleeping pill). Tommorow is my free day. By the way yesterday I panicked my mom had a second stroke which was not the case. To be honest the health of my mom does not really help to reduce my anxiety. Hopefully I will adapt to it soon.
Let's hope the addictive medication helps. I had some more ideas. It depends on how everything develops.
