I am empty.

[stembentatanangle]

Excuse me if i do anything incorrectly, this is my first time posting

I feel so, numb, its a cliche to say but i cant even describe it, its this knowing of how life is ultimately for nothing, i dont feel excitement, joy, peace, either total emptiness or this sense of loss for something ive never had.

Im always told to do something new or spontaneous but that doesnt do anything, its just a thing, if i won the lottery i wouldnt have any feeling about it except "how much of this am i gonna lose to taxes"

The only things that do make me feel are well drugs lol, they rewire my brain chemistry for a short time so that i can finally feel something other than this nothingness.

I resent people when i see them enjoying their life, why can they feel it but not me? Ive been debating suicide for a long time, well not debating. I know im going to do it, im just lost on the method. I want something that will pump me with adrenaline so i can feel something powerful before i go.

This is horribly written and doesnt do this constant feeling justice, but i needed to speak, where judgement is rare. Thank you, enjoy your weekend.

 

[DivineSpark]

emptiness....anhedonia....that void in my soul...only thing which brings me any type of pleasure is eating and food. Comfort eating.

 

[getoutgirl]

No judgemente at all here, you can be sure of that. And you expressed yourself very nicely

Like the other use mentioned that sounds a lot like anhedonia and depression, which a lot of us here know well. I relate a lot to that feeling of emptiness, of having a void inside that day by day swalows your ability for any emotion, and that numbness of just moving through the motions. The lottery example explains that pretty well. I always thought that if a loved one died, I wouldn't even feel sad, I'd just think it. Escapisms like drugs or literary anything are just a matter of survival at that point, it's not really living.

It's an awful state. One that at least makes you numb to overwhelming emotions, but has its own kind of slow corroding pain that is way more subtle and harder to even put into words. But it is there and it eats you.

I "lived" like that for years passing the time thinking about dying, sure of it (still am). I don't know about your personal situation, but First thing I'd ask is if you are getting treated for it, as in getting some professional help. That's just something i think everyone should try if able before comitting.
Regardless the fact you came here to share this is a great step. There is no need to be alone in this, so please come vent or share whatever whenever if it makes it any easier. You have a nice weeked too we are around for anything <3

 

[belowaveragefish]

Excuse me if i do anything incorrectly, this is my first time posting

I feel so, numb, its a cliche to say but i cant even describe it, its this knowing of how life is ultimately for nothing, i dont feel excitement, joy, peace, either total emptiness or this sense of loss for something ive never had.

Im always told to do something new or spontaneous but that doesnt do anything, its just a thing, if i won the lottery i wouldnt have any feeling about it except "how much of this am i gonna lose to taxes"

The only things that do make me feel are well drugs lol, they rewire my brain chemistry for a short time so that i can finally feel something other than this nothingness.

I resent people when i see them enjoying their life, why can they feel it but not me? Ive been debating suicide for a long time, well not debating. I know im going to do it, im just lost on the method. I want something that will pump me with adrenaline so i can feel something powerful before i go.

This is horribly written and doesnt do this constant feeling justice, but i needed to speak, where judgement is rare. Thank you, enjoy your weekend.

I know it's kinda taboo here to say this, but I tend to agree with getoutgirl here. You need to be 100% you want to CTB. Even at 99.99%, that 0.01% can jumpstart your Survival Instincts (or SI) and save you. This could end up with you suffering a permanent physical or neurological injury depending on your method. If you are ready, the right method I'm sure exists on here somewhere. I know I'll find mine here with time.

 

[stembentatanangle]

emptiness....anhedonia....that void in my soul...only thing which brings me any type of pleasure is eating and food. Comfort eating.

Food is something good, i lost my taste and smell due to covid though, life has a cruel irony XD

No judgemente at all here, you can be sure of that. And you expressed yourself very nicely

Like the other use mentioned that sounds a lot like anhedonia and depression, which a lot of us here know well. I relate a lot to that feeling of emptiness, of having a void inside that day by day swalows your ability for any emotion, and that numbness of just moving through the motions. The lottery example explains that pretty well. I always thought that if a loved one died, I wouldn't even feel sad, I'd just think it. Escapisms like drugs or literary anything are just a matter of survival at that point, it's not really living.

It's an awful state. One that at least makes you numb to overwhelming emotions, but has its own kind of slow corroding pain that is way more subtle and harder to even put into words. But it is there and it eats you.

I "lived" like that for years passing the time thinking about dying, sure of it (still am). I don't know about your personal situation, but First thing I'd ask is if you are getting treated for it, as in getting some professional help. That's just something i think everyone should try if able before comitting.
Regardless the fact you came here to share this is a great step. There is no need to be alone in this, so please come vent or share whatever whenever if it makes it any easier. You have a nice weeked too we are around for anything <3

You are an absolute sweetheart, thank you for sharing your experience with me. Ive gotten professional "help" but it doesnt work, i speak, they listen, im on meds, but it hasnt changed anything. Still this constant… feeling. And its not like i havent tried, ive done all at home remedies for months, spoke and spoke and tried and tried but it just doesnt, work.

Again thank you, you are a kind sweet soul and i truly hope that you will live the life you want!!

I know it's kinda taboo here to say this, but I tend to agree with getoutgirl here. You need to be 100% you want to CTB. Even at 99.99%, that 0.01% can jumpstart your Survival Instincts (or SI) and save you. This could end up with you suffering a permanent physical or neurological injury depending on your method. If you are ready, the right method I'm sure exists on here somewhere. I know I'll find mine here with time.

I am 100% committed when i find the correct method, thank you for your worry, I appreciate you!

 

[DivineSpark]

Oh shit! You lost your taste and smell permanently? I thought most people get it back.

 

[stembentatanangle]

It came back mildly, i can differentiate some tastes but its more so like a whole category of food tastes/smells the same lol

 

[Polyxo]

This post has caught my attention because I feel rather the opposite... I think I care too much. I spiral so, so easily... There is hardly ever a moment when I feel peace from my busy thoughts. It's painful, and oftentimes I'm desperate for it to end. I've craved apatht too many times before. Every day I live with regrets, self-loathing—to the point of crying which isn't uncommon for me.

Your post provided a new perspective, thank you for sharing. And I am so sorry you are going through this. You deserve to feel happiness, excitement, contentment... To be living without a life is something I think is relatable.

Much love to you.